I crave to feel less.
I have such a burning desire to radiate minimal emotion.
I cringe at the pain that my insides feel
EVERY.
SINGLE.
DAY.

Not the muscle pulling, stomach cramping, head pounding type of pain.
Not the open wound, burning, and itching type of pain.

The pain where your heart hurts, the kind where you bully yourself to tears. The kind of pain where you convince yourself that you are worth nothing.

That type of pain is anxiety.
When one fear turns into such a numbing sensation and one mistake becomes a viral failure ruminating the body.
Both shutting down what feels like every inch, ***** by *****.
That pain is when my anxiety is my kryptonite.

Shame on me,
For not trying harder to be a miscarriaged baby,
Shame on me through being a surviver of a deadly tumor,
I am a tumor of the world,
Shame on me for taking up space,
Shame on me from not being able to prevent her sucicide,
Shame is all I feel,
I am shame itself;
And that voice inside my head I can’t figure out if it’s actually mine,
Or if I died off long ago,
And now I’m just something’s vessel.

I have a million words to say
How I'm hollow today.
Yet, no one can hear me.

But,

If I drown myself into water
To washed away this aches forever,
Will you see my worth?

If tonight, I drank this seven pills
To stop this heart that kills,
Will see my pain?

If I hang myself in the ceiling
To end this empty feeling
Will you wish to fixed me?

Because,

I tried to be a conqueror.
I tried to be a survivor.
But, no one is here to be my listener.

I see you watching somebody else.
What are you wanting? I'd really like to help.

Call it whatever you want,
You will not be ignored!
You say their ways are blunt,
They cut you like a sword!

Would you be wanting more?
Would you be wanting more?

I see you hurting, hear you silent screams.
Well done pretending- now wake up from your dream.

Come face reality:
Embrace your insanity!
This is not a nightmare,
It's just the true world that you fear.

Aie
Oh, won't you live until you die?
Naturally, not suicide!

You deserve life.

I see you loving though so many hate
You are still giving, though they steal, they take
Your mind, your heart
They rip you apart
You are climbing,
Reaching for the stars
You're healing and still sore,

BUT YOU CAN TAKE ON MORE.

**** culture is being told to change my outfit five times too many because i don't want to attract the wrong man or give men the wrong idea.

**** culture is men (and women) thinking they're entitled to my body because parts of me are showing.

**** culture is being asked what did i do for a man to **** me. it's being asked if i was too friendly or trusting.

**** culture is blaming the victim for being ***** instead of blaming the ******.

You can't even imagine
Right now what I'm going through
You can't even see
Half the things
I'm hiding from you
I force myself to smile
I tell myself I'm fine
I force myself to say
"Hello. I'm great. How are you dear, how is life?"
I can see through your eyes your having a rough time
I push my own feelings aside
And encourage you to spill yours out.
I can feel your heartache
I can help you to heal
I love doing that
Hey. :)
But that's because I know what's it like not having anyone
Who could understand
Or would even want to try
I force myself to smile
I tell myself I'm fine
Better days are coming
Why not help this hurting heart first, see the light
So I sit there, hurting along with you
Understanding everything you say
And wondering there should be something I could do
For you,
For you.
Not realizing that I have done enough,
Just sit'en here hurting with you
Listening to what you got to say
Meant the world to you.
Now you feel better
The clouds have gone
You see the light.
And some how, a little, I, do, too.
I force myself to smile
I tell myself I'm fine
Better days are coming.
I know I'll be alright.
Why not help this hurting heart see the light.
"Hello. I'm great. How are you dear, how is life?"
4/18/15

Dead inside.
The eyes have gone dull.
The touch has gone cold.
The water of the sea streams down the face.
The wailing grows louder, yet no one hears.

Dead inside.
The flame has gone out.
The light has been vanquished.
The music within the soul is now silent.
The joyful dance of the smile is still.

Dead inside.
Only the shadow keeps company.
It presses down.
Have not the strength to lift it anymore.
Muscles fail from weakness.

Dead inside.

Sometimes you just have to deal
With things as they happen,
No matter how terrifying.
Despite the constant fear.
Facing the horror and resisting the fate.
Nightmares come even when awake.
Sleep is reality and reality is fake.
So put up a finger and say "F" it all.
Laugh at all those who look appalled
Brush your shoulders off.
Rub dirt into the wound.
Nothing can hurt you unless you allow it to.
Face your demon and kick its ***.
Send it back from which it came.
Shout to the world that you will never be tame.
Deal with what happens with a strong will.
Bow to no one and bend for naught.
Because when the end comes at least you can say you fought.

Depression is quiet
anyone can fall victim to it
and much like a mask,
people hide it with a smile
and an "I'm Fine."

Nobody can detect it but yourself
because disguising it is easy.
The cheerier you are
the less they'll suspect
but you can't hide it forever

Everybody reaches a breaking point.
But that's okay!
Don't be ashamed.
There are people that will understand.

You are precious
You are Loved
You are NOT alone