Life has been
Interesting
over time

I have this raw drive, hot
from the yellow Sun,
and with feet still lazy
the Moon is pushing me
to run fast

Live enormously
Stop pleasing mean friends
Who reveal nothing sad
Their one lie is yet to be used up

Silent prayers are being recited all thru my consciousness
Of desperation and a moment of escalating into a rare flare of clarity
My mind screaming to go escape the reality of my current toils of Life and saddened realization that am still stuck in square one...still waging war thru my tumultuous addiction I just want true joy peace and prosperity a want a different Life for myself but I always self-sabotage my sobriety walk with an endless urge to go get high one more time just one last time I get some sober time under my belt and again feel inadequate to deal with Life triggers, problems, clutter and stressors beat me back to using once again. I try to talk to my peers to God to councilors to doctors to my own head and mind to my addiction begging and pleading I want to be free but I love getting high a little more than sobriety but I want to understand why this is...I recall that I use substances to temporarily relieve my schizophrenia and ADHD. To get a frozen piece of time to reconnect with my inner soul but at the same time feeding this demons that keep me trapped inside a mental prism that the only way out is wanting to live a life of no use of any mind altering substances. Am stuck between wanting a better healthier more enjoyable Life without pushing any efforts into changing knowing that ultimately lead me back to using dope to do something am comfortable and feel at a pleasant with utilizing my own body to conduct a forced neurological and psychological change...so I can once again relive and reminiscence on that subtle wave of calmness and comfort I adore so much. Harsh reality sets in I run out of substances to indulge in and slowly but surely my brain synapses go back to normality and re-stabilize. I keep wanting this revolutionary change of mind but am willingly putting no work towards getting better...I am here pondering is it because my own drug use has become hardened enveloped in a complex mechanism that tactically constructs avenues to facilitate it's initial impulse to go and do what makes my mind and body feel at ease with a touch of serenity and well being. Nevertheless, when the drugs are completely expelled from my system I pay the toll for pushing my biological neural and nervous system to it's peak functionality. The biggest obstacle in my path to sobriety is mundane ordinary routines of every day living life without no sense of gratification thru drugs themselves. Am truly trying to reach that place where I feel as if this drugs I involve myself to use leave me disgusted at myself for doing that to myself when its all a grand illusive temporal alleviation of stress problems and feelings and emotions being blocked off and masked to a degree of non-existent competence. Am left in the end with a constant inner symptom of slightly elevated compulsive feeling of wanting to repeat the experience again and again and again. This becomes the battle and little by little becomes a rampaging addiction depending on the person's impulsivity level and puts the person in a state of uncomfortable decision making when in reality the drugs don't solve anything thru them the problems become temporarily "out of sight out of mind" but when sobriety sets back in and every neuronal and hormonal changes due to the use become expelled and fully removed from the user's system the user goes thru a period of acute withdrawals and followed by other minimal symptoms like irritability, depressed mood, dysphoria and neuro-chemical imbalances. All I am going to focus from now on is how to slow down my use to the point ill be easy for me to leave it alone all at once. I want to believe I can find true joy peace contentment and happiness thru being drug free but every time I think of it I give myself a certain doubt that in time it becomes malignant and grows to be another reservation waiting to be subconsciously manifested. Sooner or later my subconscious becomes too hard to ignore and I play the game of "insanity" again and go do what I know... Which is get intoxicated. I will sooner or later learn how to deal with my Life's trials and tribulations in a different way and learn that thru God's grace & power I can be clean and arrest this monster once and for all.

Morning star, a goal unreachable.
In contrast  to the obvious,
A dream that's untouchable.

We all fallible, a walking fault
In a barter system, we born
That's systematically flawed.

I applaud,
The human resilience
In the face if adversity
They get lead by simplicity

Surviving for eternity,
A simplistic notion of simply to live
are we scared of the unknown,
Or, is it the nothingness in death.

We stress,
Yet life just pass us by
The next time it passes
Jump on, and just smile

What if I
Was just a girl
An innocent thing
Golden hair
In streaming ringlets
Everything that you think
When you think of that girl
That perfect girl
So quiet and demure
Yet so full of life
Why
If I was just a girl
I think I'd go
Away
To
Die

heartbroken??
sad???
depressed??
betrayed ??

DON'T WORRY MY DEAR

god's busy creating the world's best love story for you
not like jack n rose
neither romeo and juliet
nor he and she
BUT
ABOUT  
WE !
-aadi

Me
You
Us

There we were
We sat together at the table
As all true feelings and secrets were expressed and shared
She shared a piece of her truth that no other body had heard before

Then the sky went from light to night then quickly back to the trite sight of the morning
And all of those memories came rushing back to me
Then came with the memories, the images

And there we were
Meeting each other for the first time

And there we were
Walking to class together

And there we were
Eating with each other at lunchtime

And there we were
Sitting close in the weather


And there we were
Letting out our most held back tears

And there we were
Together in our own zone

And there we were
Sharing our most inner fears

And there we were
In this world all alone


And there we were
Lying in bed with each other

And there we were
Being friends

And there we were
Watching the sunset together

And there we were
Only being friends

And there we were
Holding close to one another

And here we are
Best friends

And that is all we will ever be