How do I mend my relationship with my body?
How do I hate myself, less?

How could I?
How dare I?

The world doesn't.
It tells me all the reasons why I shouldn't.
                                                      ­                     I mustn't.

I must hate myself.

I must hate my body, that is what I deserve.
What my body deserves

Love is reserved for the thin.
                                the beautiful.

The beautiful.
I could never be beautiful.

It's a lie,
when they say it.
It's a lie.
when they say I am.

I am beautiful from the neck up.

but you'd never use that word,
                            designate it to my body.
                                                           ­  to the rest of me.

The rest of me should be tossed away.
                                              discarded.


Please sir, can I keep my head?
It's the only place I live, the only place I am allowed to be.

I am not allowed to be beautiful. not allowed to be thin.
that was not the hand I was dealt. not my lot in life.




I exist in the world with my shame exposed.

                                                       ­       On display.


Do you know how that feels?




No hiding.


No escaping.


No pretending.




I am fat.  
My body is fat.



and from first glance, you can see my unworthiness.

                                                  ­      My lack of deservedness

It's always there.

My body
My body gets looked at, talked about, shamed.

My body doesn't fit comfortably in an airline seat and my body keeps getting fatter.

My body offends and disgusts you.

My body absorbs the blows.
       the shocks
              it reverberates

the ripples

Take in more food.

EAT.

no one loves you.
no one ever could.

you're too FAT.
                   too hideous.

                   unlovable

So, I abuse my body.
                           I hurt it.
         give it more. move it less.
It grows, my own self-loathing grows.

Like water to a plant.
         Your gaze and comments like the sun    

My body continues to sprout.
upwards
outwards
all aroundwards

Making it harder to fit.
                  harder to move.
                  harder to Be.

I wish they loved my body, maybe I could have too.

Maybe I could have too.

Floating above the fallen colors
Your fragrance mixes with the
Sweet decay of discarded leaves -
Forgotten.
An aroma blending perfectly
You are a blooming flower
Standing tall
Despite your desperate hours -
A honest friend.
For daylight slides off you
Warming my eyes away from fall -
Natures mascara.
Moonlight glows from within
Calling for an end to autumn.
Not many are allowed this close
As you have come and I feel vulnerable
because you can read my weaknesses
Which are scattered about like
Crumpled paper on the floor -
Discarded lines of bad poetry.
I want to forget them
If I could just change some
Lines.

A heart symbol doesn't count  

There's no love in that  

I want your real response  

How did you react?  



I shared my poem with you, took a real risk

Opened up my soul, received no closure for it

I don't want to have to beg you not to be brisk

But like bruh please use your words

My fragile soul craves this

Vulnerability is
                            Strength
                           ­ Source of power
                            Seed of change

By tearing down my walls
I invite you
To lower yours
Meet me on the field of ugly truths and lofty dreams

I didn't always see
Didn't always know

To be vulnerable
To speak truth
To share my ugliness and confusion
Gave me power

As I expose each truth to the light
They lose their hold
Guilt retreats
Shame seeps away
New growth can take hold

It is what it is
I am what I am
Exposed for all to see

The truth will set you free

Trite
        but accurate

What they don't tell you
Is that
Your truth

Can set others free too