On those 2:00 a.m. February mornings, when I get up to ****, death is in my
creeking bones.
As I thumb through memories in the old family photographs, death smiles back, in black and white.
He hides in the shadows of the lined up pill bottles, like toy soldiers on the nightstand.

But when I lie in bed and look for pictures in the smoky stucco ceiling, I see coffins and funeral pyres and I close my eyes and grin, because my friend conquered death and took the
fear out of
the grave.

Praise God, did you hear what President Trump just said?

Thus was I greeted on my way to get the mail.
Least said, soonest mended, pokes me below the fifth rib.

Yes, you mock the idea.
The idea that peace may be made by mortals without war.
I should have said nothing, but then
there'd be none of this
ruderous playful joy I feel.

I claim the inheritance of those who trouble
their own house with servants
sent from god, God, the, of thee ineffable name,
who created
messaging means,
literal winds of servitude, ministering spirits,
sent to serve as useful urges to do or say
for them who are about to be
klero-nomeno, clearly named, heirs of soteria?

Useful for what, old man?

Guides, GPS apps in your knower, like a chron job reminder,
do this now, in this situation.
There are gear trains, wheels in wheels, seeing always
at once, if you can imagine,
molecular machines with minds of their own…

watch I say, I just smile, Mona Lisa trick, I look you in the ear,
see what I said. Not in the eye, look fifteen degrees left.
I see as
life and truth, the way they work together
making up minded beings for
narrow focus function,
on off signal send signal accept, receive deceive

connect, reject, find no fault that is not over-seen
as being no hinderance,
to the whole truth.
- It all started with this woman I know is a Trump
- and Joel Osteen fan…
- she greets me, happy, bubbly about how funny Trump
- is, she says,
- he says treehuggers caused the fires, so Californians can pay
- to put them out.
- AH, she pierced my concentration on the point I was making
- What did you say,
- and If, if, if I had said nothing…

A wife, an old, mother of 3.5 children, from three
******, all men are ******, she believes,
so,
why do I kick against them? Hmmm. let me lie
and say
because it is the will of God, my heavenly father, she say,

sashay sassie lassie -- old and grey and given to rants
on Trump being God's choice…

not yours, you tree-hugging *** smoking hypocrite hermit

praying in the wilderness where no man can hear.
Shunning bully pulpit sycophantom spirits
leading silly, in the modern sense, wombed men away.
- I don't say
Peace as made in me, purges hate spewed my way,
venom weakens me a while, then
the idea of stomping snakes,
strengthens me.
I walk away.
This is joy. Winning by default, having nothing to lose.

--------------
True crazy, it seems, a certain spirit is on a patience building
assignment,
angels assigned to poke and ***** and itch like a hair shirt
on an Iberian saint in shining armor.

Have ye no armor, naked ape? Is this not the same as nekkid,
are ye not ashamed,
not even a scapula to hide the demon's thumbprint?
Is this a witch of the west living
for soothing sayings, yet

she mocks my smile, and sneers a wish for my good day.
- I don't say
shall we condemn the claimer to
God's first be-atitudenal blessed class,
Peacemaker, are you allowed to
mock the peacemaker, raise waving serpent subtile digits,
bow and mock as
Protesting Missionaries mock singers of silent songs called
prayers?

Yes, thank you. I did say.

When I was an
ideal and dreamy teenager walking amidst the
trees in the backyard,
there, curled up beneath a pine, I discovered a small creature and stared at it.
I gently picked it up and held it to
my chest.
It opened its eyes.
I felt The power within .
It went back to sleep,
and I set it down.

The next morning
when I walked
out the back door,
headed for school,
the little creature
was sitting there,
wide awake,
looking up at me.
It had the most
unreal looking eyes.
They seemed to change color.
Apart from English and art class, I hated school.
I didn't quite fit in .
I had good friends,
but I always felt lonely.
Bouts of melancholia struck me at the strangest times,
soon after, I found
it to be the
terminal affliction of being a poet.

I stayed home from school that day and played with the
creature.
It seemed to
hear me, almost understand me.
I liked the feeling.
it became my
best friend.

I fed it every day
and it grew and became unruly and hard to control at times, but overall, it caused me much more joy than pain, way back then.
I missed it when it
was gone,
and threw my arms around it when it
came home.
I named it buffer
because it was an equalizer for me,
and the world, and pain,
It went inbetween the sharpness and vividness, in which I didn't know how to cope.

It got big
and became
a beast.
I had a love / hate relationship with
the thing.
I sacrificed a lot
for it at the
altar of idolatry.
It wouldn't let anyone get close to me,
My wife, my kids,
I chased them
all away.
I was alone with
the beast.

After years of
pain and degradation,
I put the beast down.
I shot it in
the back of the
head, like a rabid dog.

Life raged on.
Pain and joy came with equal measure,
but I no longer
needed a buffer to
keep living, laughing, and learning.
I finally figured
out how to
truly love.

I glimpse upon crimson ribbons.
Streaming gloriously, in horrid scenes.
Their beauty costs a price of pain.
A feeling bathed, in bitter sweet.

Wherefore does your  hearth give?
Nurture from fiery ****.
To kindle my faltering flame,
and bolster me to my feet.

Ode to you my crimson ribbons.
My memoir symphony,
throws fists on razor edge
and tunes the song my nerves dare not sing.

Set loose with heavy hand.
Furry far unseen.
Again I see the crimson ribbons!
Not owned... by me.

I often get lost in questions that I don't want answers to
How did I even get here? Which road did I take?
I look at the world outside, death and decay, blood soaked soil,
glimpses of light shining on shards of glass like spoils of war
I laugh at how similar it is, to the world inside, still in turmoil

I wonder why can't I hear the sound of the approaching hurricane
maybe I'm playing our song, too loud in my head, maybe I'm still there
A flood of memories sweep me off my feet and the delusions shatter
I can see the storm approaching, with all of it's might
but if I am being honest, it doesn't really matter

I am soaked in the rain again, just like I was many years ago
When it didn't represent misery, when it didn't bring me pain
I just want to be drenched and happy but nothing feels the same anymore
It ***** how everything that you think you enjoy can turn to ****
I guess the little pleasures you brought in my life also walked out the door

I can see the long tough road and the sleepless nights ahead of me
I can see the battles to be fought and I know we'll not pass unscathed
I know I could still smile at the end, as long as I'm standing there with you
But I don't know how to stand back up and fight this battle anymore
I guess you can never really win a battle where the victory doesn't want you

I often get lost in questions that I don't want answers to
How did I even get here? Which road did I take?
I look at the world outside, death and decay, blood soaked soil,
glimpses of light shining on shards of glass like spoils of war
I laugh at how similar it is, to the world inside, still in turmoil

I wonder why can't I hear the sound of the approaching hurricane
maybe I'm playing our song, too loud in my head, maybe I'm still there
A flood of memories sweep me off my feet and the delusions shatter
I can see the storm approaching, with all of it's might
but if I am being honest, it doesn't really matter

I am soaked in the rain again, just like I was many years ago
When it didn't represent misery, when it didn't bring me pain
I just want to be drenched and happy but nothing feels the same anymore
It ***** how everything that you think you enjoy can turn to ****
I guess the little pleasures you brought in my life also walked out the door

I can see the long tough road and the sleepless nights ahead of me
I can see the battles to be fought and I know we'll not pass unscathed
I know I could still smile at the end, as long as I'm standing there with you
But I don't know how to stand back up and fight this battle anymore
I guess you can never really win a battle where the victory doesn't want you

Upon the marble foundation
stood kings of light and dark.
Each towered above their noble men,
each watched from their royal mark.

The queens faced off where they stood,
while the knights mounted their horses.
The bitter players sat on each side
considering their forces.

The bishops were positioned beside the rooks,
the pawns in a line up front.
Up there they would take the attacks,
up there they would take the brunt.

The pieces were arranged in perfect order
the match was about to begin.
The players shook hands, one stone faced
the other with a stretching grin.

The pawns of ivory made their move
while the ebony ones looked on.
And so it went, one piece at a time
until most of them were gone.

There the queens were protecting their kings
before one made a fatal mistake.
With a slash from a knight, the queen was brought down
and it left the king to quiver and quake.

The pieces that were left quickly moved in
and the king was pushed to his knees
His crown fell off and rolled away
to the sounds of his dying pleas.

Tribulation and vexation led to this
Fixated on decamping the mess I was in
Participating in anything I had access to
Escaping reality is what I would do
I wasn’t too fond of alcohol; I wasn’t too fond of ****
I had a few drinks here and there, but I had control you see
This isn’t an alcoholic’s story or drug abuse for that matter
You’d probably be thrown off for what I’m about to tell you
Maybe even engage in some laughter
Waking up every day to my escape
It would be my getaway, my slave
Posting online what I didn’t practice
But I needed those likes, I needed to have it
When someone would heart a photo, which pleased
I admired the adrenaline rush I received
And this started leading me to a downward spiral
I was easily shot by the dopamine rifle
Scrolling through my phone all day, I did
And I could absolutely feel the tension kick in
Almost hyperventilating like I had to stay on my device
It was as if the devil telling me, I am a bondservant with no might
Repeatedly trying to appeal to other people
through a false world
Posting many pointless photos, my brain was in a swirl
And looking back, at one point I hit rock bottom
I purposely purchased things, just to take shots of them
& I also look back on posting Biblical things all-day
But not to reach out to others, not for the right reasons, I used it for my own selfish sake,
now that’s some extensive disgrace
Because I needed the hit, I needed the high
I had false gratification from receiving the likes
& I remember constantly taking photos of my self
Spending hours with this nonsense, I seriously needed help
And when receiving little likes, I felt self-conscious and worse
I was worshiping the flesh and depended on this for self-worth
But the Joke’s on you Satan, I serve a greater God
Who convicted me of the things that I was doing wrong
I desperately prayed to Him & kept hollering His name
Asking other believers for help as well, to free me from the cage, I was a digital slave
And it took some time, it took much faith
Sometimes I felt at peace with it, at times I had intense rage
But Jesus is a faithful God, who will always test your patience
Eventually, the fog disappeared, and I eventually awakened
Jesus set me free, but it wasn’t facile to move on
It took a few years, to witness what I wanted to see gone
Now I know my worth & I know my value
I do not confide in vanity, it is no longer my idol
I focus on important things, on things that truly matter
Like Spiritual things, and the God I run after
I know I’m beautiful, & others can attest to that
In no way do I want to sound prideful, but just stating the facts
We ALL have beauty, & gifts to offer
But put God first, and then you’ll prosper
Now I want to end the story with this
This is the story of a social media addict
But now I am free & you do not have authority over me...🕊