I’ve seen the future,

it looks a lot like this.

Your eyes, full of old fights

we never had, but should have.

We carry on, hands full of silence.

Cry
Cry
Cry
See if I care.
I’m so numb now
All I can do is stare.
Stare at your face,
Cold and upset.
Why so upset?
Why
Why
Why

My pillow is my silent guide,
A therapist where fears confide.
In moments when my heart's on fire,
I scream into its cotton spire.

It muffles all my ragged cries,
Absorbing every tear that dries.
A sanctuary soft and near,
It holds my pain, my darkest fear.

No judgment in its tender folds,
Just comfort that it gently holds.
When life is more than I can bear,
My pillow’s always waiting there.

A witness to my sleepless nights,
It knows my lows, it feels my heights.
In muffled screams, in quiet weep,
My pillow grants me peaceful sleep.

sometimes i want to open up to you.
slice through my bruising flesh,
to reveal to you what words could never say.
i trust you like that.
to see how my ribs cage fragments of a broken heart,
and how my lungs are black from second hand smoke.
i want you to dig in,
and pull out all the things i’ve always questioned.
til the only thing left is a hollowed out hole.
maybe that way i can really feel nothing,
instead of saying i don’t
to avoid the conversation.
i want you to drain me of my blood.
like the vampires in movies i watched as a child.
so i don’t have to feel it pumping through my veins,
every time i feel the urge to open myself up
and search deep,
deep,
deep,
for a reason to feel nothing instead of feeling everything all at once

My old friend,
A famous song and I love to be in the dark of a near silent wood,
Especially with good company
Of worthy friends,
But the darkness referred to in the song is nobody's friend,

The darkness of the soul when life goes south,
When illness strikes or hearts are broken
Then darkness comes
To **** out life and joy
And happiness,

I am in that darkness now
But I refuse to submit,
I will NOT sit blinded
By my sadness and
That which is inflicted,

I shall live my grief
And outlast it until such time
As love returns and the sun rises
On a new day
Or a returning love

One way or another my heart will sing again

I shall prevail

Don't be upset
with the rose
thorns are meant
to be close!

i need to get some stuff off my chest
my cousin doesn’t like me anymore
i’m at a family gathering right now;
a birthday party
i love talking to my aunts and my grandma
they include me in conversations and
make me feel worth their while
maybe it’s a me problem
that i changed and i’m average
and painful to be around
it could most definitely be that
and i wish i could stop
obsessing over speaking
but quarantine ******* me over
and left me with repulsive social anxiety
someone’s laughing
and the shaven dog is barking
my ears can’t handle this
the dog hates me, she doesn’t
let me pet her and i just wish i had a
dog as a companion, but
my parents don’t want that responsibility
even though it would be all mine
i need a dog, i need a friend
who’s always present,
there for me
no one ever is
no one knows what gathers inside
my brain throughout the day
that forces me to write
or i would literally burst.
now my cousin said goodbye to her
favorite aunt and uncle
and her young cousins who
are perfectly skinny and basic
and **** perfect
i’m miserable now
it’s not like it used to be
her cousin looks like a model
where’s my glow up?
i just look so terribly ugly
that it hurts me so badly
even twelve year olds look like models
and they make me
so terrifically insecure
it’s infuriating
how unfair some things are
especially genetics and body dysmorphia
i need some boy who’ll soothe
this mental state i have
been swallowed up in
without my consent
my incompetent brain has never heard
the word ‘no’ before, apparently
i’m sick to my stomach
thinking about everything
and how everything used to be
and how everyone is changing
and how much i want to die
killing me would be doing me
a huge favor at this point
why do people always have
to make me insecure with their
toned bodies and gorgeous faces?
i am convinced that something
is eternally wrong with me
but i’ll stop making you
mad by saying i hate myself
cause now it’s basically redundant
but one last time 
for good measures
i hate myself
and i’ll never be an asset
to society
goodbye, the only thing that loves me for who i am is my writing

a piece of my heart will always belong to him, no matter what.
I am not bitter.
I am not upset.
He loved me the way he knew how to love,
and isnt that beautiful?