I’m not some ******* up *******
Wanting to suffer
And insult myself
For the

Sake of it—

I just sit around and. Regret

Because why would I make the right
Choice while I can

“?”


It’s an endless loop
That I can’t break out of,
It’s an endless loop

That

I can’t cope
With the consequences
Of my actions

And it’s not like I want to
die.

Maybe.
Somehow.

I know my death won’t solve all my problems.

When daylight settles onto the back window. Right through the little crack, it tears itself apart into an array of color, splayed all over the hardwood floor. Outside is nice and lovely, winter grabbed its coat last week and signed off on the year. I haven't gone outside yet, I'm afraid that if I do, I may never want to come back in. What if the sensation of a new spring grips around my feet, pulling me toward the soil. What if we accidentally let ourselves fall so far into a new ground, that we begin to root and grow. I stay sitting at the table right beside my thoughts. Someone said something about change once, but my throat tickles every time I try to re-introduce myself. All this to say, I'm not afraid of the spring or what it might bring, or how sweet its fruit. I don't want to open the door, because I worry winter's still standing on the other side. Before I knew it, it would say, "I think I forgot something" and settle back in with us. A fresh sheet of snow clouds would blanket the daylight, and all its colors would fade. I shake off the chill. I guess I'll stay here, and look from inside out.

Sometimes, I look out at the world
and wish for something more.

Sometimes, I look out at the world
and wish for someone more.

I long for something out there
to make me
the vision of myself that I want to see.

But roads will wind and twist and turn.
There’s no way to go back,

I fear.
No way to change the person I’ve become.

A million regrets,
a million setbacks,
there’s everything that I would change.

I don’t know everything,

I don’t know anything,

all I know is I’m me.

And maybe

that’s all I need.

I love the vibes you give me
I love your many sides
I love how we barely know each other
And we already fight for one another

I love how this feels very new
I love my insights about me and you
I love how I am ready to let go
I love our relationship-flow

I reject fears, insecurities, too many thoughts,
I reflect sometimes, putting feelings into words,
I know we both know how deeply disappointment hurts,
So we're afraid to lead each other astray

But at the same time, we're so curious,
How far can we come,
We want to believe in us,
Because you know, nobody knows...

Is it delirious for us to find our way?
Isn't it obvious that we would love to stay together?
All the obstacles, if we keep believing, will they even matter?
All the opposition that comes and hurts,
It's only words.

Nobody can tear us apart but our fears,
And trying to control is the best way to lose all,
Floating, trusting, warming, lusting, dancing, in smiles,
Loving, time flies,
This is the way,
Now is the state,
And if we're meant to....
Then you know, we will stay.

<3

An imitation of verse,
Everything, in reverse.
My wrongs are rights,
Nothing seems clear-
Upon shining the lights.

He laughs at me;
Who claims to have seen all.
Tales I couldn't be,
Under his gazes, they fall.

But he is not here,
Yet resides everywhere.
Anywhere will he hide,
All my unspoken shows, he can confide.

There's a spider in my bathroom, watching everything I do.

                    It watches me comb my hair, it watches me make poo.

He watches me in the shower, something like a human in a zoo.

                   He's even watching me now, as I write this note to you.

And you just might be thinking, oh wow, that's kinda cute.

           But the thing is that you aren't aware of Peter for his truth.

We've been in here for a week...
                                                                                      or a month...

                                                   maybe 2?

I've been trapped in here with Peter
                                                                   and I don't know what to do.

I was born in a city where the air suffocates
The building groans, its bones cracking under the burned of a thousand years of unspoken regret
This city smells like something poisoned,
petrol and sweat soaked into the earth,
the ghost of rain that never touches the ground.
It seeps into my skin,
As an alarm,
I never wanted to belong here.
The city speaks to me in a dialect of dust and noise
I speak its language too
but my words feel like a borrowed coat,
ill-fitting, awkward on my shoulders.
Even when I strive to make them mine,
they slip away,
elusive and alien.
The chai here burns my tongue,
sharp like an old wound that never healed
and I swallow it down,
Even as I smoke, the air smells of snow and distant mountains
I have never gazed upon

When the sky is a sea,
And planes are ships
Chasing clouds that act
Like whales

Pushing through the open air

And sending its waves
Crashing to the dry
Life below its stretching tail,

Are there islands we can
Land on?
Are there pools that will swallow
Us into nothing but the light
Of the cheering sun?

It's a sea where we will
Never be,
Much like the ocean below,
Mostly unexplored.

Rose colored lenses were all I wore when I was with you
Was wearing them shielding my eyes from the light that was exhausted from trying to come my way?
I kept them every day, afraid of the unknown
I would glimpse over the top and still the light was shown
Would taking them off end up with me being alone?