Only her scarce trust
She saves and is stingy with
Freely spending time

So sick of being told how to be;
laugh and smile until they all believe
that everything is perfect
even if it's just for show.
You can't let anyone see the pain that's there.

For whats planted in my mind is
a family with their backs against the bedroom door,
the sounds of threats and screaming
Bouncing and echoing off the walls.
The first day I truly understood
that everything is not always good.
But you wear a smile and pretend it's all okay!

My memory is plagued with so much dark,
the voices of pleading children for it all to stop,
to be loved by a man who could never.
And the emptiness of promises
followed by spewing words of hatred
lead the violence to be seen as something deserved.
But you do your best to act normal and pretend it's all okay!

I thought with growing up, things would get easier,
but I guess things never will.
People like to try and take advantage
even if it destroys you inside.
When I close my eyes I feel it happening,
Their hands overpowering, taking away all my control.
But of course it must have been something I did, so just smile and get on with your life!

Maybe this is why i struggle to trust,
I'm so scared to be hurt and let down.
So before you get too close, I'll try and run.
I feel like this is all I can do to protect me from the violence,
or maybe this is all I am worth?!

I am in love with the way you avoid me
It reminds me of myself

One measly lie will taint the taste of truth in my mouth for lifetimes to come.

done with the violence
done with the pain
done with the same shame
over and
over and over
again

done with the accusations
and the suspicions
done with the same lies
in different forms
and messed up versions

today you said you're sorry
you said you love me
you always will
but who knew a love like this
could somehow ****
the passion
the trust
the ways that I
thought I knew you
were loving me the same way
I did
with my whole heart and
my whole life

my whole life
is unrecognisable and I
can barely tell which truth to believe in
because how can you ever deceive
someone who stopped their heart beating
for you
how can you destroy someone who
took you in their arms and
went ahead and said,
"stay here, you belong in the home
inside my heart
I built only for you."

done with late night crying
finding myself imagining dying
as a way out, an escape
done with blaming you or me
for the choices I keep on making
done punishing
myself for the mistakes
that you made
because I made the same mistakes too
as if the path to forgiveness is repeating
the ways we've hurt each other hoping
it will just stop to hurt
at some point

it's like you and I
Or mostly I
have to tiptoe around landmines
Afraid I'll discover more crimes
afraid I'll be in the wrong place at the wrong time and
careful I don't set off the time bomb
that is called Our Relationship

when heartbroken poets make metaphors
about wounds and battle scars
I wonder where mine are
because I've been through this same war
fought it and won it and lost it
for years and years on repeat
and yet I have no marks to prove it
so maybe not every victory is a celebration
and not every survival is the ending of the story
and not every abuse leaves a bruise
and here I am still writing
wondering about my own story's ending

I found my life partner  
Beautiful, smart
Witty and flirty
**** so loving

Everything one desires

She just took off
With my former ex  
Happy with either ***
She’s bi  
I’m ‘bout to die

I should’ve felt vibes  
Never saw past the disguise  
Friends could’ve warned me
What I couldn’t recognize  
  
I found my life partner  
Beautiful, smart
Witty and flirty
**** so loving  
  
I don’t want to torture
Or torment her
Like a martyr  
  
Mama said,  
“It’s all about love”  
But if you’ve never worn,
that other hat,  
How would you feel?
  
It felt right
How I imagined it  
I cared for her, every bit  
Everyone deserves a second chance  
Who hasn’t taken a second glance?  
  
If I’d found out earlier,
would I ditch her instead?  
If they told me what they knew
would it **** the love in bed?  
Shouldn’t hidden knowledge be only used for good?  
Shush, Shush, enough said...