it's so tiring,
this back and forth in my brain.

i want to be better.
i want to be content
just as i am.
i want to be able to exhale,
relax
and shut out the voices that tell me otherwise.
but they overpower me.

"my stomach looks good today",
"my legs aren't huge",
"i'm not ugly",
i try to say as my hands tell a different story.
grabbing at fat and skin,
trying to find any imperfection to prove me wrong.
and this is where the confusion starts:
looking in the mirror.

what do i look like?
how should i feel?
am i actually fat?
am i deluded to think i might not be?
i have no idea the answer to any of those questions
and millions just like them scream at me.
every minute.
every day.

if i am fat,
should i be trying to lose weight?
or should i try to accept how i look?

i try to be better,
to cope,
but i don't know which voice is right.
i don't know who to listen to.
and i'm trapped in this in between.

it's ******* exhausting so someone just tell me what to do

i'm not being hurt
i'm not in any real pain

but i can't stop feeling this
hollowness

i think i'm broken or something.

Why does it feel so real
Why can't I heal
if it's all in my head

Why does it keep me awake
Why can't I seem to escape
if it's all in my head

Why can't I be free
Why do I let it **** me
if its all in my head

After all the tears I've shed
And the blood I've bled
Sure to say
It's not just all in my head

Today, I was sick.
The doctor said there was nothing wrong,
yet returning to the pavilion lake,
rains accompany my wakes.
A swelling sensation stuffed my chest,
I can't help but lay down and closed my eyes.

numb fingers
but not from the cold

my heart
is just so tired
of missing you
that the blood
falls asleep
in my veins