Mother can I read this to you?
I wrote it. Oh how proud I am. Look! It has a lot of views. Took me a while but I made it perfect! Oh Mother look it's trending! I feel better now that I wrote it, can I show you?

Ugh one...

Never mind it's not as good as I thought it was. It needs work. They just look at my poem because it crosses their eyes. They don't actually like it. Why do I write. Why did I even wake up this morning.. I'm sorry for bothering you.

Why me?
Of all the people
She was behind me
And she was in front of me
There were a million others

So why did it have to be me?
Was it fate?
Or just cruelty?

Did you not have anyone else in mind?
Why did you take you're time to pick me?
Why did you take all that time to ruin me?

I believed you
I thought about you
You created a new world for me
Then you destroyed it
Bit by bit

My heart bit by bit
Gone
Empty
And changed forever

The world we live in
plants seeds of
chaos.

In a certain version of life you are full.
Fulfilled in what ever you do
Full of a certain kind of in comparable joy
Life blooms around you
Life thrives as long as you are existing.
Every one feels like their lives are and have been made whole
As long as you are involved in that life.
In that version of life...
You feel whole yourself.

This is for those who have never known this moment.
Of course they have moments of it in their heads
They get to zone out in buses or on planes
Looking out windows and imagining that all is well
That all can be well.
Imagining life as they wish it was.
It is sad and empty and terrible yet binding.
In those moments all is well
Split seconds.
Moments in time.
Moments out of their imagined dull existence
Those get to be lived in a better place created in their minds.

I chose to stand on the other end every day
If it was possible every time
But this now  real version is so demanding
Feeding must happen all the time.
The body demands too much in this version
From cleaning to feeding
Protecting when it is in danger
Or treatment when it is ailing.

I chose to see a new version
Where both can exist without one tearing the other apart
Its not being needy or hard to please.
Its wanting to take this feeling away
This feeling that is so burdening and consuming
This endless need to see life from a different perspective.
A perspective where you love here and now
Not because you want to
But because its what is happening
And there are no other options
Gaps for wishing otherwise.
Or days you grad moments and want to hold onto them.

I long for a version where i do not have to feel empty
Or pretend to be fulfilled.

I messed up.

Big time.


I should have never left, I should have fought harder.

Life was simpler with you, easy even.

Sure you were a storm and I was unfortunate enough to be caught in your wake but boy did I ever enjoy the thrill.

I am so much less now. Far less of a person.

I gained weight, I chopped off all my hair, I hate myself and wish it dead, I am speckeled in anxiety written all over my face in the visible blemishes, I am worthless and dull, I am so much less of a person now.

I am sorry for leaving, for wanting better for myself

because even if you destroyed me, at least I served a purpose.

-t.s.