Jumping, leaping off the dock
My legs are frozen cold with shock

Coach says "Hurry, hurry, warm up quick"
I want to hit him with a stick

The sun shines bright into my eyes
Even before I attempt to try

To put my goggles on

Watch the sunrise soar up high,
Hurling sunbeams through the sky

Wonder if in years from now
To the sun, the moon will still bow


Hopping, dropping off the dock
Legs are frozen cold with shock

Son says hurry, then he swims so quick
I want to hit him with a stick

The sun shines bright into my eyes
Before I even attempt to try

To put my goggles on

Watch the sunrise soar up high
Tossing sunbeams through the sky

Know that now, in years from now
The moon will always bow
To the sun

Drown me with your tears
Let me sink in your overflowing sorrow
Until I cannot feel anymore

Let me die slow
Inside my helpless body
Only to accept bitter fate

Look at me falling into the depths
And turn into dust
Completely forgotten

“keep moving forward”
is an exhausted phrase but
if you stay still you will drown and
if you lie on your back and ride the waves,
you will be pushed back and back
until you’re lying on itchy sand.
the only way to reach new horizons,
to reach a different fate,
is by swimming towards the sun.

I knew this was going to happen
It was never a question of if
Only when
Knew it the first night

I stepped into your embrace
"God it's good to see you."
We got drinks.
We left together.
I was still trying to fight myself.
I thought you'd be gone in a day...a week...a month at most.
That's why I pushed you away in the alley.

This. Raw. Open. Angst. Sadness.
Where I am now.
I was afraid of it.
I was afraid of letting you in.
Of letting you see me.
Of letting you have me.
Of letting myself have you.
I was afraid of losing you.

Then I was afraid of what not having you would do.
Of ignoring you, pushing this back into a box trying to convince myself of things I know aren't true:

"We're better apart,"
"You don't love me,"
"I'm the only one who sees this;
feels this;
fights with this"

Scared of regretting more than I already did
My only regrets belong to you.

I let go.
I dove in.
I swam.
You sat on the shore.
You watched.
You left.
I knew you were going to.
You said you would.

I didn't go my whole life without swimming.

You put on your bathing suit.
You make sure that nothing gets wet more than it needs to.
You take a deep breath.

The cold will definitely sting.
And it does.

The first few strokes are effortless,
You know for sure that you will make it across.
But then you open your eyes underwater,
And see the blue shifting and fading
With the moonlight.
And suddenly, the lines on the floor of the pool
Start to blur.
The lines leading  you there  
Start to blur.

You can see how far everyone else has come,
But measuring your own progress,
Finding out how far you have come
From where you started to wherever you are now,
Is **** near impossible.
The water still shifts and fades,
And entices you in the
Intimacy that stretches from the earth to the moon.

For how long?
For how long will you keep kicking your legs?
For how long will you keep waving your arms about?
For how long, exactly,
Will your head come up
And breathe?

And even if you reach the end,
Even if you get out of the water;
Even though you made sure that nothing got more wet than it needed to:
Your hair will still be dripping,
Your eyes will still sting.

Am I wrong for dipping my toes into these
depths before I dive?
Don't you dare tell me to love him when
you are not the one still coughing up water from
that last time you went headfirst into dark waters.
Love is a life raft on an ocean but honey it's to dangerous to
be dangling when you don't know how to swim.

Falling in love scares me more than drowning.
In a sense, it's the same thing. You put your heart in someone's hands and if they drop you, it feels like you're being engulfed in a dark hole you'll never come out of.
He left over three months ago.
About a month ago he blocked me on everything and I'm glad he did.
It felt like someone cut a ball and chain from my leg, and before they did that I was stuck at the bottom of whatever trench I was in. Once it was cut, I was so engulfed in the panic I didn't realize I could finally get out.
But I did.
Now I'm just trying to find the courage to get back in the water.
I always wondered why I was afraid of dark water.
Maybe that's why.
You never know if you'll be pulled back under.
You never know when you're safe.

Cry a river and
No-one will ever bother
To swim in its depth.