i love you
as you wade through the sunlight
never again
will i see a sight so pretty
as your curvature [among other delicacies]
as you wade through the sunlight
the back of your body bathes in gold,
the hairs on your face and the green in your eyes
        gleaming
as you wade through the sunlight

I am a monument
To your sins and despair
In the dark of the world
In dead leaves and cold air
I stand a gray statue
Caught in winter's snare

I am the eternal self
Bound to the Earth and dirt
My toes dig like roots
Green leaves form my skirt
Memories of far away times
Deliver winds of old hurt

I am an innocent child
A simple and tender age
Basking in warm sunlight
Awaiting the next stage
Blessed by green gardens
An untamed sage

"You have the most expressive eyes," I whispered.
Sigh. I wished you heard it.

I still don't know...
Is it the way your eyes outshine the stars
    whenever you gladly walk me through
    on how your team won a game or two
Or is it the way you lay your soul naked
     to me every time you play a song
     whilst listening, to you I'll doze off so long
That I loved more about you.

I thought I'll never know...
If with the same lens I used to capture you,
     we clicked for a snap second once or twice;
     fragile as we are, have we developed lies?
If the stares during the exchange of wits,
     bear no meaning like a card discarded
     or 1/6 chance of 4 when a thrown dice landed
Will a twisted meaning seem right and wrong at the same time?

"You have the most expressive eyes," you mumbled.

"I love you too."

I cried.

Walk into the room
Daylight is streaming in through the windows and onto the wood flooring
Blue armchairs line the walls
A chess match is set up and being played by two boys
Both kid’s arms are lined with marks
One from burns, the other from cuts

A young boy with curly hair waves me over to him
He has few scars and a softer vibe which makes me approach him
A kid with a buzzcut walks over to us as we chat
And asks why I’m here
Topple over my words like he asked what kind of kinks I’m into
I go with something like compression? Suppression? Oh right, Depression

Soon, I have my story of how I got there, what I’ve done, what *****, etc
And I’m learning that buzzcut kid was locked in his basement for days by mom
We compare abuse and suicide notes
I asked him why he’s here
He just laughed and said, “I tried to overdose. I wanted to shoot myself, but I didn’t want to waste a bullet on myself.” Miss that kid.

I’d been there about a day, before I met “Texas”
A big 5’8, dude, with glasses and some blue plaid Pyjamas
He was loud, obnoxious, but loyal, and open to talk about our issues
I was very outspoken about being trans at the time
And he was a curious man, so he always asked questions
Which I wasn’t always chill with

He was very curious about “If I still had a ******” or “If I was planning on getting testosterone”
Which I still tried to answer, but I wasn’t excited about it
He became protective of me, when we became friends
I was a very open minded dude, with a similar personality
So we clicked alright, and he helped me fight for my own rights in inpatient
He was a good guy, despite his bad qualities

And then it was only later on in that first night, that I met...well...
I’ll call him Josh, like drake and Josh, cause that’s who he always reminded me of
Josh was the only other trans guy there, who I actually didn’t know was trans
And unfortunately but understandably, he wasn’t as open with sharing as I was
He later became my roommate, before having the what we called, “The Josh-Down”
He transferred rooms and then hospitals not long after the Josh-Down

There was something about the morning’s there
Walking into the dayroom, sunlight streaming in,
Breakfast cart full and ready to be passed out
The tv on, and cartoons being shown on screen
Kids half awake, and staff barking orders
The chaotic peacefulness was always my favorite thing

I get flashes of the hospital from time to time
Like now, as I walk into a classroom with other people
For a second, I’m walking into that room again,
Buzzcut and the kid with a soft vibe are waving at me
I feel the sun streaming in from the window on my the side of my face
And the corners of my mouth curl upwards

Turn to look at the sun, and when I look back, it’s just a slowly filling classroom
I was one of the lucky few, to survive
I got to stay at my school, and I’m alive, I have a home
At least three kids from the hospital either ran away or are on the run
Two are homeless
And I can only guess for the rest

The people/kids I met in that hospital, changed me
They changed my perspective on life itself
I don’t talk about it, but the people I met, showed me another side of the world
The side no one talks about
The side where kids have scars, burns, bruises, and more
The side where kids have traumas, disorders, and urges

The hospital is a hush hush subject
But it shouldn’t be
It changed my life, and continues to impact me everyday
It’s a place to heal and grow
It’s a place where kids can get a chance at getting better
Get a chance at seeing that sunlight

Darkness;
I am asleep.

I awake slowly, half-heartedly
At a sound you make.

Quiet early exit,
Not wanting me
To wake.

Light
Creeps through
My window.

The sun rests itself awhile
On my wall.
Instant joy,
No longer does my skin crawl.

My eyes light up
When I realise
The sun has graced me
With its company,
And with its light and warmth
Has filled up my cup.

No longer do I want to
Gouge my eyes out,
Pull my hair out,
Throw myself about,
Take medication,
Scream in desperation,
Or go on a permanent 'vacation'.

You could have traced
The smile on my face.

Instead, you left.

I understand,
And honestly,
It's grand.

I just wanted to ask one thing
Before I went back to sleep;

Take my sunlight with you.
But don't take it away from me.

Sunlight’s amber coverage,
rippling in hand with the sea,
retreated beneath the shadow
of day’s rupture.

The swathes of darkness cast
across its golden bolt, swelled
outward with the sensation
of wine spilt from a chalice.

A thickened red,
seeping into deepened water,
expanded in punctuated
pulsations.

Night hovered, a ghostly spectre,
above the sun; water; day.
The sea, alighting in recognition,
burnt raw its tumbling waves,

casting orange flames in its
reflection- its essence to
the ashes of day- to
receive the ivory colouring

of bone upon bone.
The sun surrendered,
and in the darkness
a small sound rung forth.

Regret threaded its being
with the intensity of a storm’s approach.
‘Adieu,’  a voice called, clear before the
chalice of the sea. ‘Until tomorrow.’