Physically, I am alone.
During the day,
My father,
mother,
and brother,
all work.
While I am still young,
without a car or a job;
unable to leave the house.
The days feel long,
Paranoia makes it impossible to sleep in,
As it makes it impossible to fall asleep.
“Summer is the perfect time to regulate your sleep schedule!”
That's not what's happening, as much as I may wish.
During the day,
I will draw,
I will write,
I will play music on the stereo so loud that it could be heard from outside,
Just to keep my thoughts from going astray.
It’s no better when my parents get home either,
I still end up avoiding them.
I've never had a close connection with them anyways.
. . .
Mentally, I feel alone.
My parents have never understood me,
Nor have they ever tried.
I know my brother cares,
But I’ve realized that he doesn’t understand either.
I know that my friends care,
And I'm sure that a few of them understand too.
But when they ask me what's wrong...
I have nothing to say.
Maybe there are so many things going wrong that I don't know what to say.
Maybe there is absolutely nothing...
*Maybe I'm fine...
Maybe I'm hiding it all...
I feel I'll never truly know,
Maybe I'll even believe in my own lies so much,
that they end up becoming truths.
So...
I'll stay alone,
I honestly don't mind.
It's never bothered me,
I've always been this way,
It's just another year this way.
Loneliness is not always a bad thing,
I feel fine by myself,
Away from others with no expectations.
*I enjoy being alone;
As much as it breaks me down.
c Ashrah
another rant i suppose. that's all this is.
that's all these ever are.
i should really try to branch out one of these days...
and i have many, good friends..
but these thoughts have never left
i thought, maybe if i wrote them down, it would make my thoughts quieter.
