Love a life
        when you have your father,
        protecting you,
        spoiling you.

Love a life
        when you have your mother,
        caring for you,
        smiling at you.

Love a life
        when you have your siblings,
        laughing with you,
        joking with you.

Love a life
        when you have your family
        as the warmth of their love
        surrounds you.

It's hard to call people family
if they don't show even a slight interest in your existence.

it hurts
a little
whenever
they compare
me to my
sister

i know she's
artistic
and can float
her brush on
her canvas,
she fills it
with colors
and shapes
that i wish
maybe i could
do something
like that as well
she's got a way
with her words
that make me
feel poisoned
if only i was
as good as her
with her brush
and her practice
if only i
mastered that too
but i grew up
too soon

yet here i am
painting as well
but my canvas
is black and white
my canvas
is the same shapes
repeating on and on
my canvas is forbidden
and unheard of to
my parents
my canvas isn't dead
but its alive,
breathing and swelling
she walks out
of fire even if it hurts
she might burn down
as she goes but
she's the best power
that i know
and just because
no one knows about
my art
it doesn't make
it any less special
because my
art is for
myself

"You have her smile"
"you look the same
but you're so different"

Hollow me out
Scoop me into
A shell of my sister

sliding into shoes
I am both too small
and too quiet to fill

Meek mouse playing house
In the home
Of a lion

Always a reflection
Never the real thing
Always just a copy

A two dimensional figure
Of a figure that I
Can never become

We are so different
Contrasting opposites
Divergent

As in everything
That she ever was
Is unobtainable to me

Steadfast lighthouse
And I am the shadow
The sun casts behind it

So when I stare
Into that mirror
All I've ever seen

Was a reflection
Of a reflection

Looking back at me

when I was 18 I went to a funeral for a man I didn't know with the guy I was living with at the time
the body wasn't there
it was supposed to be a celebration of life
this man had no kids
no wife
but he had a brother and a sister left behind
his siblings both went up and made a speech about him
and as tears rolled down their faces and photos flashed behind them on the screen
I lost it
I could imagine what it would be like to be at my own siblings funeral
up at the podium trying to make jokes about their younger years
I sat in this chair trying so hard not to make any noise
choking back tears that I had no idea where they were coming from
I guess I just felt so much empathy for these people that it made me cry with them
I got up quickly and went into the bathroom and let myself cry really hard for 30 seconds and then washed my hands and wiped my eyes and went back out to sit down
everyone knew I had been crying and no one said anything to me about it except my boyfriend at the time who asked
"Why are you crying, you didn't even know him?"
I shook my head and replied
"because they're so sad. I don't know. It made me sad too."

I yearn to give you everything
That they do not give you,
I want to give you rest and comfort,
As I help you pull through.
If you need taking care of,
I'd promise I'd be there -
But you're so far away,
I feel like I'm not there.

Miles may separate us,
But in my heart I hold you close,
And if I had the chance,
I'd never let you go.

I spend parts of my days,
Planning out ways,
Of how to get you back.
I know you wouldn't mind it much,
But there's always obstacles in attack.

I think you are okay, or at least on the surface,
I have to make myself trust
That you are happy in that family,
That I've been taken out of.

Knowing from experience though,
It will probably hurt one day,
Or at least for the oldest of you.
And I will wrap you up warm
And try to empathise,
Never the less, I will try my best
To bandage it all up and make it the most it can be.

And if you wanted, I'd hide you away and bring you everything you need.
For me general daily things are hard, if socialisation's involved,
But I'd try my best for you,
Because that's what you're supposed to do
For the people that you love, for family.

Lately I've felt that they're stealing you all,
That they're cutting me out.
Our mother only wants me on her terms,
And that's not how it should be;
I would walk over mountains for you, you see.
I can't come to you, but I have tried getting you to me.

Still, I worry that one day,
You'll think I gave up,
You'll think that I left you
And nothing could ever make that true.
I will always try to do what's right by you.

I don't want you seeing the wreckage before you need to,
Before you can handle it.
I need to know you're safe, not sorry.
I'm starting to wonder here, if maybe I'm just being dramatic.
But this is some of the reason that I pretend or hide it,
With the act of being a somewhat good daughter,

Well really it's also because:
It's hard not to do the job when you're with her,
Almost as if it pulls something from me;
Like it's my fault for not having what I want,
And if I'm good in that moment I'll have it.
Except it,
Never comes.

I miss you four,
And I'll always love you more.