he takes one more gulp
finishing the bottle
whiskey dripping from his lips
he looks at you
you are frozen
as he drunkenly stands up
he sharply wipes his upper lip
and then licks them
your eyes look left
and then right
searching for your younger sister
thankfully
she is nowhere to be seen
as the home you shared
was now unsafe
you don’t move
as he takes a step toward you
paralyzed under his watch
you start to sweat
he swears under his breath
and you are beyond nervous now
you hear his belt unbuckle
before you see it drop to the floor
your mind tells you to run
but your feet do not move
his eyes squint at you
as he says, “don’t you think it’s past your bedtime?”
and you silently sit still
praying to God that he will turn around
he does not
in fact, he starts moving in your direction
faster now
and you squirm in your seat
afraid of what comes next
you look into his black, soulless eyes
hoping he will see your innocence
he does not
his zipper is now undone
and his grimy fingers
roughly jerking at your skirt
you are afraid
but the numbness sets in
and your eyes become heavy

You have no idea
What it's like, to be a woman
Everyday is a baptism by fire
As she walks on the street
Hundred hands appear
From nowhere, as if conjured
By a deft flick
Of a magician's wand
A magician who sends chills
Down the length of her spine
Chills that surpass even those
On a wintry night in Antarctica
Leaving her frozen
Till every bone stands still
As she is stripped of her dignity
Reduced to a shadow of her self

She strains every sinew in her throat
As she sends out a distress signal
Which fails to be intercepted
As the people look on
Some with fear
Some with sheer indifference
Some with a perverse interest
But none answer the call of duty
The call which is as basic
As the need for oxygen

You have no idea
What it's like, to be a woman
As she heads home
Seeking much needed solace
She is instead upbraided
For wearing a short skirt
For walking alone in the night
For not being a lady

As she fails to get support
From the family she holds dear
As a shipwreck survivor
Barely floating in freezing waters
Clings on to that piece of wood
Her self-esteem nosedives
Like that fateful Air India flight
That crashed at Mangalore
And shifts the blame onto herself
For not understanding the men
Who've brought her to this state
And succumbs to Stockholm Syndrome
Completing a vicious circle
Leaving men and the patriarchy winners
Winners who deserve the title
As much as a student
Who clears his trimesters
Using bits of paper
Tucked neatly inside his shoes

It was March 2007,
   An exact decade
The land was barren
   My bare body laid
The air was in drought
   Helplessness rioted and raid
Humanity was in scarcity
   My debt soul sinfully paid
   For its innocence
He was inside me, collecting dues
I was nine, crying and loud
He was forty one, enjoying and proud.

My money ran out,
August 2011.

April 2017
Debts never truly forgotten,
It was after work Saturday when
My debts finally finished paying
A vase left him bleeding

No longer loud and helpless.

-fir.m

My eyes are closed
My snores take up the air
Your hand slides up my
Thigh and your fingers
Run through my hair
My eyes stay shut
And your hands roam
My cries stay silent
As you are in my room
Your hands venture deeper
Than any had gone
My eyes watered and
I tried to yawn
My cry turned to a sob
As I realized I could not
Tell my mom
As I looked in the mirror
That next day
I realized bad things
Seemed to always come my way
My eyes welled with tears
And I pulled out my hair
Screaming but still
Knowing no one
Really cared.

She is a girl
full of dreams,
affectionate, adoring,
easy to please.
A full life ahead,
so it seems....

Living and laughing, dancing a dream,
loving life, to its means.
Sixteen and beautiful
full of passion and grace,
she hungered for the day
she could take her place.

Hopes and dreams
of a full life ahead,
she never saw it coming
she never had any dread.
Daytime turned to darkness
joy to grief,
laughter to tears
with no sign of relief.

Beaten and wounded
youth taken away,
she longed for the day
she could escape this place.
Day’s turned to weeks
weeks turned to years,
she kept smiling and living
but joy had been replaced with fear.

Protecting the ones she loved
from the outcome of her fate,
she pushed it deep down inside
and hide it at any rate.
Laughing and living a girl in her teens
living life to the fullest, happy future dreams,
then found a place, safely deep within
to hide from the torture of this cruel evil sin.

Living and laughing, dancing a dream,
loving life, to its means.
Sixteen and beautiful
full of passion and grace,
she hungered for the day
she could take her place……
~

They keep trying to knock me down.
But I'm a warrior.
I'm stronger then they all think.
Their blows hurt & knock me down.
Sometimes I can only crawl but I keep moving forward & get right back up.
This time I know my strengths & weaknesses.
I'm determined.
I come prepared for battle.
I wear the helmet of love, the shield of compassion, the sword of connection & the belt of truth.
I breathe in determination & exhale all the lies.
This time I know my worth & my truth.
You may not understand my story or experience
But this time I sure as hell won't let you captivate me into a cage... nope.
Last time I allowed others to hold a key to my heart.
Now I know better.
I'm best friends with that little girl within me.
I'm gentle & loving with her.
I protect her and show her she has everything she needs right within her.
Though the storms try to drown us, we will prevail.
People used to be the storms in my life that knocked me down & threw me around.
Now I am the Storm.
My anger is the thunder & lightening.
The rain is my tears that water my soul.
I also shine sunshine, lots of it.
The mixture creates a rainbow.
A rainbow which that little girl within me runs around & dances in the rain.
This time the choice is mine.
I am warm and sunny but be afraid of my wrath.
For this time I know my battle is not against myself.

You lost your right to be my father the moment you decided to sexually abuse me.
You don't even know the turmoil you have stirred up in my soul.
Do you sleep at night?
Because I don't, I lay awake in my confusion.
Wishing my reality was different.
You don't know what it's like to live with this.
If my own father couldn't love me, who will?
You took so ******* much from me.
You stole my innocence.
You made me feel tainted.
You made me fear trusting anyone.
Such deep rooted betrayal.
I finally understand I'm not the ******* up one.
You are.
I hope you get the help & support you need.
But right now I don't want you in my life.
I don't owe you anything.
You owe me a whole heck of a lot.
Starting out with an apology.
You weren't the father you should of been.
So you don't deserve the wonderful daughter I could be to you.
You know what I want?
I want your ******* lingering sensations gone from my body.
I want you out of my head.
I want you out of my nightmares.
I want you out of my heart, soul & mind.
You are like a pollution that keeps suffocating me.
I'm going to cleanse my soul from your toxins.
Your violence is inexcusable.
But my love over powers your violence.
Love is the answer.
I am loved.
I am worthy.
I am enough.
I will keep shining light on this darkness.

The darkness feels like it's consuming me.
My heart feels clouded with its constant dark suffocating fog.
How much can one person take?
There's these claw marks on my heart.
My soul was bleeding & I kept bandaging it up.
I tried to take the bandages off & let the wound heal.
It takes a sort of bravery to face that pain.
There was righteous anger, sadness, anxiety & confusion.
But I held onto hope & courage.
What a fool I have been.
Thinking that anything will change.
Nothing is changing.
People are stuck in their ignorance & can be so cruel.
My anger, my hope, my determination feels like it's all running out.
The darkness is taking over.
I don't know how much more fight I have in me.
The nothingness is trying to capture me.
I'm tired of fighting.
Maybe in a cage at least I'll be safe and know what to expect.
I don't know anymore.