Confidence is tricky.
Because there’s something weird about loving the way you look at the one minute,
But then you stare too long
And then you regret it.
Then you wipe off your makeup, rip off that dress, kick off your heels.
Suddenly you are in your bed, and you say are “sick”.
I guess you can say you’re sick of yourself and of the way you look.
And you will question the reality of it:
Do I really look like that? Is it just the mirror? Just the camera?
Or maybe it is just you.
Confidence tells you that you look beautiful,
but when your anxiety stems from your want to be confident, it’s tricky.
You can’t control it and you can’t just stop.
Maybe confidence is staring, maybe it’s just owning, and accepting.
Is confidence telling me I am beautiful or that this is the best it will get?
Why is confidence so tricky I ask as I put my shoes and dress back on, and restart my makeup.

Look! I can spell my name:

FRAID
REMORSEFUL
ATYPICAL
NEUROTIC
CAREFUL
IRREGULAR
SMALL

You always come to your defenses
Drawing your shields up
Where nobody can see the pain in your eyes
The contempt, the sorrow
You let those voices in your head seep into your bones
They whisper softly:
“Hey girl, never open your walls, it’s not time to play. They don’t want to see the ugly side of you”

You always come to your defenses
Whenever a situation
Gets too intimate
Drawing your shields up
To trick your enemies
That you got pride as bright as the sun above you
But that ain’t enough

Draw your shields down
Put away your defenses
Let people see the pain in your eyes
It’s okay to hurt
It’s okay to have feelings
It’s okay to be sensitive

Mirrors,
Are just glass,
And those scales,
Are just numbers.

Everyday,
You rely on them.
To tell you your worth,
As if they can speak.

You let them control you,
Let them consume you,
Every thought,
Every moment.

You let others,
Control your actions,
For just a fleeting moment,
Of trying to fit in.

But what if I told you,
That isn’t needed.
What if I told you,
That you have been cheated.

Would you believe me?
If I told you that they lie,
Or how they do not truly see you,
So you don’t have to cry.

For that glass does not know,
The smiles you bring,
For that number does not know,
The joyous tunes you sing.

But darling just remember.

For that mirror,
Is just glass,
And those scales,
Are just numbers.

When I was one I looked into the mirror,
I saw a blank canvas,
Begging for paint to ink the surface
And etch deep into itself.
I remember the hope of opportunities
When I realized what I’ll be.
I’ll be whatever I want to be,
And maybe more.

When i was three I looked into the mirror,
All I saw was a wide smile,
It was warm and comforting.
Maybe I miss that smile a bit.
I contemplate the joy,
Joy that steamed from fear
Of hate that I overcame.
It has always been my proudest moment.

When I was five I looked into the mirror.
I saw the excitement in my eyes,
Anticipating the first day of school,
With a curiosity not seen.
It was almost as obvious
As when I first told a story.
Nothing was able to beat the jubilation
Of my very own world.

When I was thirteen I looked into the mirror,
the picture was too distorted to see.
Sometimes I thought I could sense
a hint of that smile I used to have
Other times, the mirror waterfalled,
Reflecting all the self worth I felt.
My heart dropped to my stomach,
The waterfall was bare.

Now I am seventeen I look into the mirror
I see a crossroads with two paths,
one lit up with starlight,
tempting me with the universe ahead.
I can hear the thud of my excitement,
- it beats ferociously.
I can feel a tingling sensation
- the regret of the other road.

When I am twenty five, I’ll look into the mirror.
I want to see the independence,
Of a young woman,
Learning what I passion for.
I want to see a beauty,
In the thirst for knowledge,
And the drive for time
Pushed along in every country that I visit.

When I am fourty-two I’ll look  into the mirror.
I want to see a family,
So light-hearted, cosy and fun.
A house unlike the one I grew up in.
I want to bathe in the warmth of the sun,
As laughter echoes in the air
Coaxed from my heart
From the melodies that make cities grow.

But I wait for the day when I’ll look into the mirror,
And barley give it a second glance.
Because I’ll know how fruitless it is.
There is nothing that a mirror can tell me that I don’t already know.
Even if I look and the image is distorted,
Or faded from the withering of the seams,
I wait for when I’ll know it’s okay.
Because an image is the only thing I see.
-Anisah Mariah

all too often
we carry the
inexplicable burden
of perfection,
the weight balanced
upon our weakened shoulders,
we can hear our hollow bones
cracking like fallen leaves
under the pressure,
and still, we ignore it.
we see ourselves
through a looking glass
of social comparison
and self discrepancy.
she can't be better than me.
we want to believe that we are beautious beings.
we criticize what
intimidates us,
hatred falling from
our tongues
without a single,
rational thought.
it is then that we become wolves in sheep clothing

but let me tell you this:
you and i, will never be the same
my hair will never
fall the way yours does,
clothes will never
rest that delicately
upon my frame.
there is a divergence
in the way my
hips sway
and
that is okay.

i've a geyser
in my heart,
rosebuds in
my soul.
the faults,
crevices,
canyons in
my flesh
tell the story
of where i am
and have been.
i've inextinguishable embers
inside of me,
things that no other
being will
ever see.

and you,

you are
a monument,
too.

so, though
we all aspire to be
that image seared
into our minds,
from the cover
of that magazine
we read when we
were thirteen,
we will never be the same


and
that
is
incredible

I hate my reflection
It stares back at me with cold eyes
And a skewed perception
Of what I am,
There is no question
I need to be someone else
Someone who gives a ****
This is my regression.