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Christina Mar 11
i had lived multiple lifetimes by the age of ten
by then i knew love and loss
what it was like to cry during the last hours of night

how do you mourn for someone you barely even know?
the elusive memory that becomes a dream
mother turn stranger all by the age of three

though she's still breathing she rots inside my head
the dream no longer relevant
no need for flowers to be sent
  Feb 2019 Christina
Joliver
If there was one word
One word, isolated by itself
That I cannot stand above all others
It would have to be "Okay"
I despise "Okay"
"Okay"
Is how your millionth day at work went
"Okay"
Is off-brand raisin bran
"Okay"
Is how you say life is going
When you don't want to admit you spend
Every second of it
Wanting to die

"Okay"
Is packed to the brim with
Hidden implications
Like a treasure chest
Filled with bottles
With little subliminal hatreds
Written on tiny slips of paper
Passively aggressively pushed inside
To discover later
As I pull out a treasure map
And try to decipher
Where I went wrong

"Okay"
Is a one word dismissal
That feels like an essay a thousand pages long
"Okay"
Is a poison dripping with disinterest
When I dared to share with you
Something I thought might make you smile
"Okay"
Is like trying to talk to a wall
While watching the paint on it dry
"Okay"
Takes two seconds to write
Yet I waited days
For that dreaded word
To grace my notifications
"Okay"
Should be used sparingly
As if each time you send it
You **** the receiver just a little bit
"Okay"
Should not be said so often that
I know what you're about to say
Like I saw it in a crystal ball
"Okay"
Is not looking up from your phone
When I tell you about my day
"Okay"
Is not the proper response
To "I love you"

They say that the opposite of love isn't hatred
It's indifference
And I can't think of a response
More indifferent to pouring out
My heart into your hands
Than "Okay"
At least the last thing you said to me
Before we parted ways
Showed that you cared
At least a little bit
"I hate you"
Stung less
Than the thousands of times
Over our countless conversations
You responded
"Okay"
Okay?
Christina Feb 2019
you're smiling at me
is it pity?
it doesn't quite reach your eyes...

'they feel sorry for you'

you're laughing
is it real?
there is an edge to it...

'they don't find you funny'

you're telling me to be happy
but my voice is comming from your lips
"stop being sad, you're annoying when your sad"

'they want you to leave'

im doubting every expression you make
every word spoken turns against me
the world is no longer welcoming

'they are telling you what you already know'

"YOU DISSAPOINT ME"
"YOU NEVER LEARN"

'do it'

"WE DON"T NEED YOU"
"STOP BEING SAD"
"YOU HAVE NO REASON TO BE SAD"

'do it'

"UGLY"
"FAT"
"STUPID"
"DEPRESSES"

'do it'

"IWILLNEVERLOVEYOUYOUWILLNEVERFITINALONELOOSERWHYCANTYOUJUST­BENORMALWHATISWRONGWITHYOUSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDJUSTGOAWAYWEAREBETTER­OFFWITHOUTYOU"

'DO IT'


























































sto­p
please
just stop






































but the words aren't yours

they're mine
Christina Jan 2019
its so wrong
we both know it
but we still cling to each other

our bodies move in sync
the electricity around us increases
we fit so well together

but then there is her
the one that came before me
the one that is still there

she haunts us in the back of our heads
you should be with her right now
but you're with me instead

we know how worng this is
yet we continue with our affair
what she doesnt know wont hurt her
im dissapointed in myself but i cant seem to stop
Christina Dec 2018
sometimes the jokes go to far
but i still laugh at them
because i know that if i say something
you'll only laugh at me more

so i sit and i smile
and pretend everything is okay
so that i can try have a normal life

but eventually
i wont be able to handle it anymore
and you'll be able to see me
soaking in my blood filled tub
Christina Nov 2018
beneath the covers
alone in the dark
she listens to the birds that live in her heart

she hurts and she cries
the melody sad and sweet
yet no matter how hard she tries
she still hears each and every tweet
Christina Oct 2018
i met you
as the leaves fell
and the sky turned grey

the world grew cold
as my heart turned warm

i missed you
as the leaves grew back
and the sky turned blue

the world grew warm
as my heart turned cold
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