the blinking of a cursor opens the doors to possibilities
creation of worlds and relationships
but for me it reminds me of what i do not have
'list the 10 people closest to you'
8 of the 10 are family
people close to me due to blood relation and law
the last two slots remain empty
filled only with the steady rhythmic beat of the cursor
in a world where screens connect us, mine reminds me of how disconnected i am
that i lack social relations outside of my family
and who am i to tell my family that i am lonely when i have them?
who am i to tell them that i crave for relationships that are not mandatory and are instead of our own free will?
i had lived multiple lifetimes by the age of ten
by then i knew love and loss
what it was like to cry during the last hours of night
how do you mourn for someone you barely even know?
the elusive memory that becomes a dream
mother turn stranger all by the age of three
though she's still breathing she rots inside my head
the dream no longer relevant
no need for flowers to be sent
If there was one word
One word, isolated by itself
That I cannot stand above all others
It would have to be "Okay"
I despise "Okay"
Is how your millionth day at work went
Is off-brand raisin bran
Is how you say life is going
When you don't want to admit you spend
Every second of it
Wanting to die
Is packed to the brim with
Like a treasure chest
Filled with bottles
With little subliminal hatreds
Written on tiny slips of paper
Passively aggressively pushed inside
To discover later
As I pull out a treasure map
And try to decipher
Where I went wrong
Is a one word dismissal
That feels like an essay a thousand pages long
Is a poison dripping with disinterest
When I dared to share with you
Something I thought might make you smile
Is like trying to talk to a wall
While watching the paint on it dry
Takes two seconds to write
Yet I waited days
For that dreaded word
To grace my notifications
Should be used sparingly
As if each time you send it
You **** the receiver just a little bit
Should not be said so often that
I know what you're about to say
Like I saw it in a crystal ball
Is not looking up from your phone
When I tell you about my day
Is not the proper response
To "I love you"
They say that the opposite of love isn't hatred
And I can't think of a response
More indifferent to pouring out
My heart into your hands
At least the last thing you said to me
Before we parted ways
Showed that you cared
At least a little bit
"I hate you"
Than the thousands of times
Over our countless conversations
you're smiling at me
is it pity?
it doesn't quite reach your eyes...
'they feel sorry for you'
is it real?
there is an edge to it...
'they don't find you funny'
you're telling me to be happy
but my voice is comming from your lips
"stop being sad, you're annoying when your sad"
'they want you to leave'
im doubting every expression you make
every word spoken turns against me
the world is no longer welcoming
'they are telling you what you already know'
"YOU DISSAPOINT ME"
"YOU NEVER LEARN"
"WE DON"T NEED YOU"
"STOP BEING SAD"
"YOU HAVE NO REASON TO BE SAD"
but the words aren't yours
its so wrong
we both know it
but we still cling to each other
our bodies move in sync
the electricity around us increases
we fit so well together
but then there is her
the one that came before me
the one that is still there
she haunts us in the back of our heads
you should be with her right now
but you're with me instead
we know how worng this is
yet we continue with our affair
what she doesnt know wont hurt her
im dissapointed in myself but i cant seem to stop
sometimes the jokes go to far
but i still laugh at them
because i know that if i say something
you'll only laugh at me more
so i sit and i smile
and pretend everything is okay
so that i can try have a normal life
i wont be able to handle it anymore
and you'll be able to see me
soaking in my blood filled tub
beneath the covers
alone in the dark
she listens to the birds that live in her heart
she hurts and she cries
the melody sad and sweet
yet no matter how hard she tries
she still hears each and every tweet