Every spring I get this thing
where my thoughts take wing
and my soul wants to sing

It was after the last fall
when it seemed winter had taken it all
that my world became small

It was only then I could see
you were right for me
and maybe we were meant to be
after all

So we finally have reached the end.

Finally, you have pushed me too far
Finally, I am right on the edge.
I'm feeling too uncomfortable now to not jump
It took longer than I had hoped.

I reeled you in, again & again thinking maybe this time,
he will go through with what he says,
darling... you never did.

Only created a bigger mess out of what already was piling over & in the process you butchered me. You butchered how I felt,
the kind softness I had for you,
you finally turned me to stone.

So how do you like me now?
When I am eager to go,
how does it feel to be "given up" on?
Can you imagine how I have felt?

Theres no such thing as letting go when the person pushes you away.
When the person brings others into the equation.
They already weren't giving enough to just you & now
you saying I gotta share?
You had the nerve... to not even ask... but force me to share?

You only want me when you need me, you weak ****.
You use people when you down and you dont even take the advice given.
You a goofy mf.

The type to neglect the only one holding you down &
look into other girls eyes saying you love them.

Well, go on and love them then.
Go on ahead and miss them
Go kiss them, rub them, lust after them
like you lusted after me, only,
dont call it love this time.
Don't leave them mistaken too.

It ain't right, making someone feel like this,
it ain't right and thats all I can say.

Can't talk to you no more because I left for good this time.
and it hurts but I've just got to keep writing and depending on the Lord
because those are the only consistent things in my life these days.

Im trying not to think of you
but I keep finding myself staring into space and at blank walls wondering where things all went wrong between us.

Wondering why now just wasn't meant for us.
Wondering why I tried so hard to make it meant for us,
wondering why you watched me try so hard and didn't have the guts to say my struggle was pointless.

I would have moved mountains for you, love... had I never found your dark intentions.
It could have been us against the world.

but it wasn't meant for us.

I keep feeling like I smell you,

but it wasn't meant for us.

Im wondering if the other girls liked your lips as much as I did
I want to rip them off your face for letting them all get a taste of what I thought was mine.

So how could you do me like that...
love..
Why was I not enough?
I know timing was off,
but you didn't have to go and do that.

I know timing was off but we talked about making a family
you told me you'd rub my back every night, no question
That we'd go on morning walks
and talk for hours

Love, that was everything I wanted to hear,
Because it sounded so right with you.

Only, we dont have the future. It is not outs to control. All we have is now.

You ask me is there still a chance we can be together when timing is right?
I tell you I don't think Ill be able to trust you again,
but if its real then it comes back.
You said that wasn't the answer you wanted
I said what did you expect.

I didn't tell you though,
how weak I felt.
How badly I wanted to tell you "yes. Ill wait. Please, get it together and I'll wait."
You've turned me pathetic. I still have the armor on
but beneath it everything has gone soft.

You sensed it in the beginning.
My weak spot for you,
and boy you used it again and again until I finally told you to stop.

& I feel better now,
but I can't help wondering what if.
Will we really just become a "what if?"
Something that never happened,
something too good to be true?

I want to believe God will send you back to me
but we're at such a transitioning stage in our lives
who knows what could happen.

Maybe you'll go back to her after all
maybe you'll find another who looks like me
Maybe we will bump into eachother
While I have my kids and you have yours
and suddenly, we'll remember.

How we talked of living like it would be the easiest thing in the world. Like we could create anything, we always seemed to be in a dream land.

I can't help remembering the beautiful parts of you.
I wish I could because it'd make things a whole lot easier.
Its hard because I want to cry
but for some reason you're the one I want to cry on.

Like I want to just lay with you and put my face in your neck and let you hear what you have brought me to,
as if it would matter.

but you gone now,
ain't no more feeling your skin, now.
ain't no more soft feelings for you, now.
Only in my thoughts do I still bend to you,
If I ever saw you I guarantee I'd be frozen solid.

Because sadness lingers,
but that anger burns.

and I ain't ever been so angry at someone.
I ain't ever felt so disrespected, felt like I was nothing.
Like a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe
you stepped on me again and again.
till I was so worn I fell off.
Here I stand, and though I feel limp I know I am about to be at my strongest.

Because theres no way but up once you've been thrown rock bottom.

Without you, I can get back to loving again. I can emerge from this rut I made a home out of for you.
I will love myself again,
since you could not.
I did it before and the Lord will show me I can do it again.

"So this is goodbye..." you said...
& I finally just said "goodbye."

and I think now I'll wait on someone new.
a breath of fresh air who will love me for me and only me.
Better yet, I will find someone who lives in the present.
No more being dragged backwards, thats no way to live.

I'll find someone who loves me the ways you never could.
& sure, he will smell different.
His hands will not be your hands.
His lips will not be your lips.
He will not make me feel the exact ways you made me feel

but his words will be different too, love.
They will be honest and I will breathe heavy, long, thankful sighs of relief.

Finally.

The words will be honest.

There's a hidden sweetness in the stomach's
emptiness.
We are lutes. No more, no less.

If the soundbox is stuffed full, there is no room
for music.
If the brain and the belly are burning clean with
fasting,

Every moment a new song comes out of the fire.
The fog clears, and new energy makes you run up the
steps before you.
Be emptier and cry like reed instruments cry.
Emptier—write secrets with the reed pen.
When you're full of food and drink, an ugly metal
statue sits where your spirit should.

When you fast, good habits gather like friends who
wish to help.
Fasting is Solomon's ring.
Don't give it to some illusion and lose your power.

But even if you have, if you've lost all will and
control,

They come back when you fast,
Like soldiers appearing out of the ground, pennants
flying above them.
A table descends to your tents, Jesus' table.
Expect to see, when you fast, this table spread with
other food,
better than the broth of cabbages.

  ~Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Faded stains of spilled bourbon
dot the weathered nightstand’s surface
like stars speckle a clear midnight sky
Each commemorates a prop of courage
swigged to help forge another day

Bras, slips, heels and flats
pepper the soiled carpet
reflections of the many
nightly transgressions now
impediments which fleck her soul

Her frontal lobe
harbors distortions
from her past
forgiven by those who know her
forgotten by others

Rain pelts her window
rat-tat, rat-tats against the panes
compulsively splatters the door
flings open her mind
to let today’s downpour
splash away
any trace of her anguish

My insides burn, turn and broil. I feel as if I could burst. I want to do everything. And yet nothing excites me. Im worn from a long day but try as I might sleep doesn't come. Worries of the world stir through my head. I ache, I hurt, I yearn to sleep yet she still doesnt come.
Hunger twists my stomach yet no food fits my mood or apatite. Colors are bright yet bring me no delight or interest. The night wears on and yet I am still not gone. Sleep is the cool water on a burn, the mute on a loud static. The pause, the peace. Sleep is the calm in a life of chaos. Why does she now evade me.
A yawn escapes my lips. Please come. End the pain and suffering of the day. Take it away so in the new day I can wake calm and prepared ( and a little grouchy). I've lost all ability to think and yet I still can't sleep. Another yawn, one step close to the rest, the goodbye to the colors and hello to the hollow darkness where thought carries its own weight and no longer weighs down my head.

No confusion wrinkles her forehead, eyes affixed first on his lips
until magnetically drawn to eyes blue as a mountain lake.
Comfort rests across her chest. Hips burn together and
her cheek brushes the ironclad hardness of his bicep.
They walk enmeshed. Traces of trepidation, 
scars embedded in her mind from tragic romance, fade. 
Residual fears fall to the trail among twigs and stones.
Rebirth of trust creeps into her heart. 
Together their feet trample her qualms.

Insanity, breaks like the waves
Anger flashes like lightning
Hurt stings sharp like sleet
Saddness, hangs in a heavy cloud

Loneliness an empty sky
Silence rests a placid lake
Confusion weighs in a thick fog
Death a fallen leaf

Vitality a summer's rain
Forgiveness in a gentle breeze
Hope forms in a bud
Love blooms in a flower

Freedom in a new horizon
Beauty in a sunset
Peace with the dawn
Renewal with the morning dew

With a cape of darkness, the Moon
Extinguishes the Sun
Who rests before another day- now
Wonder to the starry night

Hold the planets in your arms
Dream of rolling hills and listen
To the wind that whistles...
She says, everything will be alright
Another day you've spent alive
Goodnight, Goodnight, Goodnight
Tomorrow you'll rise again

L is for the way He looks at me

O is for overdoing it by myself you see

V is very, very changed maybe

E is trusting Him with everything and God's Got This

LOVE for you and me

The sludge
of mud
       that creeps up
to my eyes
squelches me
down like quicksand
***** a large
breathing object
                         into
its grainy film
an antithesis
       of sea
lungs sputtering
out brain reeling
in remnants of
clusterfucked,
panic –driven
welting
and I am ready to
burst out
legs trapped
yet voice high
heart squealing
in the fire
bring me to
somewhere
it’s a situation
                    dire
this madness
cupping me through
time-realms
and I must find it
that liquid that
wet flow of writhing
struggling
breaking
            free
of those heavy bands
of slimy kelp
holding me
squirm me out
I don’t care
if I get the
muck of centuries
in my hair
for in my veins
my blood does see
I crave the sunlight's
strokes
and
        I
            must
breathe

there’s been an occurrence
a robust inferno
fumes of confusion
soulful soot scattered
crayola carnage

its dark now
quiet
twisty as the infinite branches
of a willow tree
serenity seeps slowly
like the tea in my cup

rugged, jagged
cracked terrain
from which I anticipate
blooming colours
of chrysanthemums

myriad specks
settling, scattering

now recent
but soon to be archeological remnants,
my mind as matter