It’s been a long time since I’ve cared to divulge the thoughts inside my head
Wether it was to mourn or smile
So I’m not sure if the goal is to reach you in bed
Or to write anything worthwhile.
We used our words and we used our ignorance to reach each other wherever we were
Knowing we’d see it but knowing it’d change nothing- for better or worse.
And now maybe this is my curse.

The sad reality is I have what I love
And I have all I ever wanted but I’m alone with it all.
So in the dark some nights I close my eyes and you’re there.
But you aren’t there.
And some nights I think of writing and hoping for your reaction, but you aren’t there.

The truth is you aren’t here you aren’t there, but you’re somewhere. And you’re happy.
Like you deserve to me.
I picture your smile and the warmth of your palms
I’m grateful it’s no longer drugs that keep me calm.
Because those warm palms kept me close
and I’m the one who let go.
The smile made me weak
so I closed my eyes because weak couldn’t be me.
The truth is you were there… right there and offered me everything because you offered me you.
I walked away and broke your heart because even then I knew I wasn’t enough for you.
I was always a ghost that loved you.
I could never feel you there, and you couldn’t feel me.
I was a phantom who hoped my empty words and mediocre poetry would keep you with me.
I was never enough for you Ms. Pretty.
I was just selfish.

I have realised what it means
I met two lovers on the boulevard
All intertwined into
each other's universe
You would see
They're generously in love
It reminded me of us
Their eyes were looking
For each other's soul
It made me understand
that pairing is the theory
of every thing
I'm a broken man
Only need a mending
by your tolerant beauty
Realising goals
was everything for me
I forgot the moments
that suspend the laws
of nature
What we had was Artful
So real to give chance
to posthumous sensibility.

Just told the person who'd Id cradle in my arms and whose head I'd rub and whose tears I'd wipe when she was having a panic attack to go
**** herself.
Just told the person whose stomach I would kiss and whose thighs I would caress up and down that she's a fat ugly *****.
Told the one person I'd confide in all my insecurities and whose sense of humor would have me laughing hysterically to never talk to me again.

It's all warfare, and there are no victors.
I'll just collect the remnants of my happiness and try to walk stoicly into the sun

my dearest darling,

when i die under the sun,
when the space next to you feels emptier,
when the carrier pigeons stop their run,
i want you to feel,
the colder morning skies
and the softer evening tunes.
i want it to hurt,
to feel bounded to carry on
to like other women and to think of me,
because at least i’ll know it mean something,
when the moon no longer shines over home.

-someone pray for my family to start moving forward.
-past regrets has my family still walking backwards.
-no gatherings, reunions pass due, no nothin’
-stay in contact mainly on Facebook or group texts.

-I never wanted this
-members can’t get past previous trauma that’s keeping them ******.
-most mindset are like “I don’t rock nor want to bother them.”
-man F**k that -ish
-let’s stick together, we still have time to heal over our egos,
stop trying to quit.

-family wishing to redo their prime past for a better paradise in mind.
-living now is the “fear.”
-since nobody wants to say it, I’ll express this  overbearing feelings.
-the fact my grandma still cooped up in the house feeling worthless
is dangerous cause she feels left out or no one wants to visit her due to “un-build relationships”.
-feeling unfit.

-most members from the Chi-Town calling me like I’m the man now.
-because they can’t get along nor grow together, so i’m their problem solver now.
-sad seeing the family drown, so I pick the pen up to write the words down.
-sometimes it’s embarrassing writing these words down
-but someone has to expose these generational curse truths now.

Time stands still
and nothing changes
I don’t know how to survive

Time stands still
and nothing changes
I take my life

If only there was
something perfect
I could exist
And if you were real
and I didn’t miss you
it would be different

In a dream
we fixed this
distance between us
I wake up
and everything changes
for the worst

He liked to watch
a woman struggle
I can’t change that
I’m no one’s savior
You’re not helpless
I am only here
to lift you up
so you can leave

Do you feel empowered yet?

And I would much rather
tear you down
so you will stay
But that’s not my agency
I am sorry for everything
I’m still not well
Where did you go?