I always wanted to pretend that nothing changed - that my feelings were steadfast
that who I loved then I would still love now
as if life weren't made up of seasons
I was scared of losing the passion and maybe losing the pain
but aren't we all made to move forward
and if love always stayed we wouldn't cling to it like our last breath
everything is temporary and I haven't decided whether that comforts or terrifies me

the worst feeling in the world, to me
is feeling stuck.
it's worse than having to dig out the wheel
in the limbs of sloppy rain,
or the shock value of biting the inside
of your mouth.

it's the opposite of the realization you have
when you remember the mouth heals quickest; and then
there is hope.

imagine the life path of dreams -
with a lush natural fence on the threshold.
one step over summons vines from under
that lash and snag and gnarl and gnash
and you're frozen stone: forest
desert arctic all in one.

the stuck swallows me inside
an imperial chamber
that i am not in the slightest bit worthy
to be surrounded by.

a perception of the world
in your mind...
it cracks,
shatters, hiss,
obliterated.

i welcome struggle into my arms as i go
to the bittersweet valley below;
maybe i will find the seeds that
will allow me to grow.

Can you remember when you were but a child? Filled with innocence and happiness, so full of love and hope. Do you remember when everything was full of life and color? When everything was fun and games.

I can't. I can't remember a day in my childhood that was happy. I can't remember a day that wasn't filled with terror and darkness. The only companion I had was my own mind, and even then it tries to hurt me. I can't seem to find any rests.

Lately though, it seems as if my mind has taken a break. It seems as if the darkness has lifted and I'm scared. I'm scared of the light that seeps into my soul. I'm scared of the happiness that ray of sunshine brings to my dark miserable life.

It seems I can't live without it anymore. I used to think that I'd one day break free of my mind, that I could finally be free from the tendrils of darkness wrapped so firmly around me. It is only now I realize how my darkness had saved me. How it protected me from this awful world.

I don't want it to leave. I want it to come back. Where has it gone? My darkness, my guardian, my salvation. My beautiful misery.

I regret remaining so small
I regret being removed from it all

I regret the crippling fear
I regret wishing to disappear

I regret my deafening silence
I regret not showing more defiance

I regret giving you so much power
I regret the way I would cower

I regret believing your lies
I regret those blurred family ties

I regret the bridges you burned
I regret leaving the ashes unturned

In a way, my regrets always kept you near
Instead of severing the relationship when it became clear
That you no longer cared
Then again, you never really did
It was merely the wishful thinking
Of your broken hearted kid

Rushing in my younger days
Some regrets for today's ways
Played by destiny and fate
I wish I was young again but it's too late**

©WFTH