My past time is Warhammer 40k
Collected 12 separate army ranging from 10,000 point to couple hundred.
My personal faction is craft world Eldar,
Since they are space elves of the dying race,
Prideful, arrogant, know it all, psyker gifted, prudes of 41 millienium.
Play with twelve Wraith Knights,
And earning me as "That Guy,"
As known as cheesy player,
Or just a solid Gould cheese.

I am inspired by Marcus Aurelius
Known as the philosophical emperor,
Also known as the last true good emperor of Rome,
Loved by many by the empire,
My favorite quote by him
"Accept the things fate binds you,
And love the people whom fate brings you together,
But do so with all your heart!"

I am a Capricorn,
Driven by amethyst gem stones,
Or a pure ruby so they say!
I have not had the same gravitational pull like Joan Of Arc,
Nor have I become a champion like Mohammad Ali,
Or fought for civil liberty like Martin Luther King,
Or earned the legacy likes of Humphrey Bogart,
But I would do my best to carry even ounce of their torch of greatness.

I was never satisfied with being the observer
or the healer
I wanted to be healed
I wanted to be fun to watch like the many people I observed and loved at a distance
I had a habit of seeing things from one set of eyes only
I tried on different masks
I felt lonely
I felt numb
There was nothing to me
except speculation
But I pushed this away
It only came in between helping others
I used to think I lost myself in guiding others
But I had never found myself in the first place

Reflective states would come in waves
But I had forgotten how to swim
The day I fell into the sea

It may have been a river
But I couldn’t tell
Because I was just a pebble

I rang the door bell as I step in the front of the door,
And gaze upon my work iPad to check for work order notations.

As I scroll upon the repair ticket,
there was bold letters,
And it read "ATTENTION Technician,
be patient with the customer,
She went through medical procedure!"

I hear a faint female voice from afar end of her house,
stating she was coming!

Inhaled dawning air with chill in my lung
While exhaled steam and vapor from my lips!

Never knew waiting per minute can feel like eternality,
And my surrounding became more intensified with movement of breeze!  

After waiting for 5 minutes,
finally the door opened,
And the lady was in her robes,
But had her hair done and make up on.
Customer then asked me where was the original installer,
And she specifically asked for his return.
She spoke with few pauses,
And slight fragmented sentences,
Then proceed to tells me she had a stroke,
And plead that I would be patient with her!

Already I wasn't her expected technician,
And I knew I had a large shoe to fill with her disdain,
While dealing with her medical situation!  

As I started my trouble shooting processes,
I asked for more information,
And explore the cause of system failure!

Knowing I needed to give her comfort during her dialogue,
I gave her my nods,
and listen to her intently.
While trying to get to the point,
But spoke less to avoid confusing her.
Until I can drop her guards,
And have a normal conversation during repair process,
So there wouldn't be awkward pauses!

Slowly but surely she began to tell me little bit about herself,
How she met husband from her friends,
And she was originally from Sri Lanka.
How lonely she gets in Kentucky not having real friends,
And in my mind I could only related to her circumstance,
But I over came it by finding my inner peace,
Which is finding a home in the present moments.

Knowing the struggle to understand what it meant to be a nationalist,
Or assimilating into American culture,
I began by asking her where is her comfort zone,
Or who makes her comfortable?

She tells me her husband,
and how much she loved him.

So then your husband is your home I told her,
And I let her know home isn't a four wall with a roof,
But it is a moment in present giving her comfort of a home.

at this moment,
my thought process became like a cat,
And like a cat my curiosity needed to be quenched.
I asked how she got the stroke.

There was a holding breathe from her,
And then her emotions erupted.
"I have a brain tumor" she tells me,
Accelerated by her cancer.
I don't know how long of a time I have left,
And her uncertainty of her life made her more afraid.
There was a desperateness in her tears.
I wanted to give her a hug,
And give some relief from her anguish.

In that moment of her desperation,
My training from senior housing kicked in.
Changed my subject back to her comfort zone!
"Please, tell me more about your husband I asked,
How did you two meet?"

She starts to get her composure back,
And wipes her tears.
As she spoke I see glistening of her eyes,
And she spoke with love.

After I finished with my repair
and heading out of the customer's house!
The lady thanked me
and then told me she wanted to tell her husband about home!

I gave her my smile,
Then lightly tapped on my chest with my palm,
then moved my hand onto my head.
Reminder to her,
home is in your heart and mind!

Driving to work I saw myself
how stupid I had been in my last three years
with my two lovely kids
my silent wife
my shining mistress
and above all, with myself

Coming and going from my pretty house
with flowers all around and lawn *******
with my finest books, waiting for me in my ***** room upstairs,
my long beautiful illness
& all kind of stuff
I was blessed every inch of these days
You are blessed, so ******* blessed, doctor Cozan

looking at stars with your boy through a shining telescope
in these silent nights of August
with fresh coffee sitting on Spinoza' s Ethic
and, sometimes,
listening to a deadly symphony of cows

and I never thought of myself as the happiest ******* on Earth
I've never cried for anybody
even now, when I' m waiting for nothing
(watching my daily ****)
and thinking of her, the luckiest strike I’d ever had.

its been a while
since my eyes have seen a dry night
i don't know
who's to blame
if its worth any at all
blame, i mean
i know this isn't worth tears
yet they are eager to fall
they are willing to be seen
they are much braver than me

I might have told you some of these things,
If you were alive.
 
You had an amazing body from the moment we hit seventh grade.
Your ***** just sat, round and high,
Your ******* pointed straight outward,
Like a freak of nature, or an action figure.
Cheering at football games
Girls hated standing next to you because
You peeled their boyfriend’s eyes from their skirts to yours.

One summer night on Garrett’s roof,
After making turkey sandwiches at two in the morning,
******* the fumes in your thin lips,
Watching the smoke twist in the air
In front of your ice blue eyes,
And your white blonde hair,
We talked about ***.
About how it’s ****** up
      how it is so much harder
For girls to have *******.

Then I dated Jesse,
After you.
We were 16.
Sometimes I think about the night I told you I was sorry,
In the parking lot by the river.
Your breath smelled like Doritos and cherry *****,
You fooled around with your pink shirt
Telling me it was ok.

We talked about our secret handshake.
We talked about how you used to want to be nicknamed cupcake,
We talked about the time we had a séance.
Age eleven bringing back ******,
On your screened-in porch,
Warm air swayed the candle flames,
Crickets in the darkness around us,
Suddenly,
A biker knocked over your trashcan in the ally.
 
You are dead now.
But you did it.
 
Sometimes I’ll eat too much,
Or *****,
Or smoke half a pack of cigarettes,
When I think about you.
One night last summer I ate an entire half-gallon of vanilla ice cream,
Alone in my kitchen.
My stomach felt sick for three days.
 
I walk the trail behind your house,
The one where you think you started your period.
The first place we ever smoked ***.
I talk to the trees about you.
When the wind blows the branches
And the dry leaves sound,
In that gentle shudder,
Along the cold ground,
My skin prickles,
And the hair on my arms rises towards the sky.

It trembles on a pedestal of glass and sand
A single beam of light pierces through the emptiness to illuminate its shaking
Its face of silver mirror reflecting light that disappears into the void
Frost coats the edges in the most delicate web, it shimmers with every angle
What odd eyes scan the depths of this isolation
Endlessly black bottomless pupils searching tirelessly
Eyelashes echoing arachnid origins flutter, meet and part
Sharp angled cheeks cut through the stillness with ease
A stillness of the mouth makes a parting of lips rare and foreign

The eyes flutter closed
Arachnid lashes meeting and locking
The lips part
Soft sighing escapes
The lips craddling its birth