11.22.18 - 2.22.19

This week marks
three months gone
of thousands of months
I plan to live

The day I gave myself
to the comfort of my True Father
instead of to the discomfort
Of a Blade.

I now ignore that sense of lust
for the sight of my own blood
the addiction I found
in spreading lies across my arms

I've given up the sense of calm
I found in watching my skin heal again
Reminding me that I was utterly human
yet somehow invincible

Except I wasn't...

Every time I glided a tool across my arms
or my thighs
or my stomach

I was shoveling myself
into a deeper hole
And while I was at the bottom
Someone was at the top
Filling it in,
not knowing that someone...
That I was inside of it.

As I cried tears of hurt
With the person who cared,
Someone handed me down a ladder.

But I had to choose to climb out
I had to decide if I wanted to stay in darkness
Or release myself to the light...
not the bad light that you see as you die
but the good light you see when you discover
that you are noticed and you are loved

Because isn't that why this whole thing started
Because I felt invisible
Because I was not just one of many
but I was the last of many

Self harm is a trap
That wraps you up in the cold
But you never get fully warmed
Because you're always losing blood.

I'm three months separated
From the act of self-hatred
But I'm always just three steps away
From being right there again.

Strength. Determination. Love. Self Love.
Those are the things that keep me in check.
Mother, Brothers, Friends, Students
Those are the people that keep me safe
And warm... the real warm
Not the fake warm that comes from being wrapped up
In a nice thick blanket.
But the real warm
That could make your heart swell
Even when you're alone.

You plonked your head
on the pillow
shut your jaded eyes
hoped to stop your brain
and escape the foul reality
but how can you evade
something that you are
so profoundly a part of?

You cannot escape
your existence.

Good days
Bad days
Who decides them?
No one really knows what is considered
A bad or good day
It changes with each person
Everyone is a different person
How can you focus on what you see?
Have you ever thought about
What happens behind the scenes?
Hidden, Fake,
I've written poems with these names
And many other names like these
All attributed to the behind the scenes
People judge others' lives based on
What they see
No one cares about the unseen
The late nights
The dark fights
All they see is your "whining"
Or your "laziness"
Not how much effort is put into being alive
The resistance of the strong power of self-harm
Can you people wake up?
Please just realize there are people with serious problems
Some could result in danger
And toxic habits
What would you do if everyone made your "bad day" hell
Where it was so dreadful you didn't want to go anywhere
And you just wanted to end it all

I see you're with someone else
One of my friends
I don't know how to get over you
I've tried
But I keep coming back
There's a much deeper connection
Than just friends
I feel it
No matter how far I run
Or how far you push me away
I'll always come back
Even though you have abandoned me
I will never abandon you
No matter how many times
You have pushed me aside
And said you don't care
You always say you would care
If I died but now
I'm not so sure
I know your girlfriend would
But I'm just an ex
I want to be in your life
But you always push me out
Plus it hurts to see you and her
Ever since that day
That horrid day
I've been lost
You could even say that I'm
Dead
It feels like it
Might as well make it true
You wouldn't care
You could finally be rid of me
So maybe I'll say goodbye
Forever

Alone
That's what I am
No one wants me around
They could care less
If I died
Alone
In class, at lunch
I try to busy myself
With clubs but I end up
Alone
If they did care they would've
Done something
About my arm
Alone
In a crowd
I always thought
It was impossible
But it's real
Alone
Not noticed
Outsider
That's what I am
Alone
That's what I am
My leg even says so
It's etched in my thigh
Alone
In my room, in the hall
At lunch, in a crowd
Doesn't matter where
I am always
Alone
Forever alone

How long can I keep
This charade up?
Everyone thinks I'm OK
Mentally stable
When really my life is at stake
One minute I'm here
The next I might not be
How many people know
But don't care?
Are people scared?
I'm scared that if people find out
The real darkness in me
They'll send me to a therapist
Or worse an insane asylum
I let down everyone I know
My own boyfriend gets mad
When I won't tell him stuff
But if he knew...
I bet you he would shrink away slowly
He would say that he'll always be there
When in reality he really wouldn't
My friend said he'd always be there
But where is he now
When I need him the most
How many times have I gotten told
You can tell me anything
But when I'm actually able to tell them
They're gone
I'm trying to keep up
But its so hard when you're standing
In the middle of a battle field with
Arrows, knives, bullets and more
Flying everywhere
All around
My feet planted in the ground  
Can't move
Why is my life so messed up?
Can't tell anyone anything
Can't even trust my boyfriend
With my thoughts
Can't, can't,can't,
There's just too much
The storm's raving inside and out
Can't escape
My prison is flooding
Soon I'll be dead
But not really
I'll be dead on the inside alive
On the outside
When will I ever escape?
Someone save me
I can't take it anymore
Trapping it all inside
Dead now but yet awake
Goodbye world hello hell
Knives digging in
Someone help me  
Wanting someone to
But knowing that no one will they dont care
I'm gone
The real me is gone
And no one even
Cared that it was there
No one knows the pain I'm in
No one knows the trouble
Coming my way
I'm so close to making
The trade
I don't want to
But its getting really hard.