Beauty of life is with in the texture
The sense of a pain within the mixture
The cries that I lost in my smiles
The experiments that I have done with my life
All my 20s I was looking for an answer
Which I understood was in my head banging like a danger
I know the blessing of a curse and the beauty of the pain
The Islamic review of the daoist in the shame
The *** of the ****** and the addiction to romance
I never ***** anyone but it seems to everyone like that
I didn't know the facts, I was blinded by the pain
And as it seems, no body even cares
All the people I knew looked at me like a beast
Looked at me like a crazy person with a risk
I left everyone not be their curse
They were pushing me to pain to push me wide awake
I have been taught the hard lesson within the hardest way of life
What will be coming next can be even lost
The highway that I'm in or the high way that I might
I'm knocking on heaven's door, will I ever belong?

India ;
a country where
approximately, 80 rapes happen in a single day
(78 murders )( 23 fake alimony cases) ( burglery rate 7.2)
the country which allows and rewards rapists
letting them roam free

in a country that is so poor;
"the poor" are not even seen as human beings
killing them; ****** them ; driving a ******* whole car on them ;
and the jury will make you write a ******* essay
the system will blame the driver
and the society will blame the poor
such a pathetic nation

but we still sing
with pride every morning
forgetting every ******* case
every ******* human whose done such thing
and watching movies and other such media made by pedophiles , rapists , molesters , murderers

gotta have it all— you’re never satisfied
open up your mouth to speak but all i hear are lies
you can try to outrun this but there’s nowhere left to hide
wearing your defiance down, just like you did with mine


heartbreaker
manipulator
punching holes in his walls but tells you he’s your ‘savior’
makes your face his phone background then goes and breaks it later
message to those in his vicinity: YOU ARE IN ******* DANGER


do you remember? don’t try to deny it
standing by the window in your dejected silence
the day you mystifyingly transformed my No’s into willing compliance

i don't know what the hell you were thinking
but here i am left stuck in the mess
picking up the pieces, barely thirteen

a sea of eyes staring back at me, cold, curious
meeting my gaze but not my needs, that’s for sure
a lot of boys but not a single man in sight
wolf in sheep’s clothing, prowling, now he’s pounding at the door
he’s got me in his grips, but out i slip

and i don't know why or how you chose me but i'll never forget it
confused and betrayed, i grew to deeply regret it
what i said? did? what i wore?
no
it was ever. meeting. you.

the two of us were having fun
or so i thought
of course, i never foresaw how the tides would turn
and definitely never forgot

thought i was using you (antidepressant)
then i realized how much you’d been using me
and how much worse off i actually was because of it

(before you ask)
yes i was drinking
yes my skirt was probably short
back in my years of performing femininity with troubling force
why doesn’t anybody ever ask what the aggressor wore
oh wait i know this one: because it doesn’t ******* matter

we were both blackout
for different reasons
yet i still get a particular chill right down my spine
during the early seasons

a lot of good memories here
i will admit it
but one night
that’s all it takes
whether you can’t remember OR forget it

i can remember the crisp winter air on my exposed skin in the courtyard

i can remember the way you said my name, colder than the air around us

i can remember your eyes on me, your hands, pinning me there

i can remember their eyes on me, their mouths gone where they should be

i can remember the fear in my heart, pumping out an SOS with every beat

i can remember grabbing your hands to get them off my body

i can remember wishing one of them would put their hands on yours

i can remember running for my life towards the single-stall bathroom

i can remember flashes of my thirteen years in slow motion

i can remember relief as my days of racing boys proved its worth

i can remember slamming that door, but not locking it, but i guess i did

i can remember you on the other side pounding your fists into the door

i can remember the way you called my name this time; teasing, taunting

i can remember your footsteps growing distant as i sank to the floor

i don’t remember how or when i got the strength to pick myself back up

i don’t remember much else of that day, that week, that month, that year

i don’t remember a time i wasn’t afraid of being not quite fast enough

i don’t understand and i don’t think i ever will
siding with a monster that they know put me through years of hell

choosing him repeatedly
turning their fake snake backs on me
while he moves on so happily?

[deep sigh]

**** that.
and honestly?
*******, too, if you side with him
making all kinds of judgments like you’d know the type of pain i’m in

i had set plans and goals and aspirations a-plenty
long gone now, stuck in my feelings and my ways well in my twenties
my brain machine on repeat cycle for these soiled memories,
left here navigating a world where i no longer even know which me is me

“one night, that’s all it takes”
except it wasn’t; again i say for YEARS i stayed
going ‘too far a single time’ doesn’t negate his common rage

anyways
i get you love him and his music but i don’t really care
he’s a darkness lurking waiting to manipulate the air
a shadow: stalking, smothering, secret-holding, thieving(,) *******
that last one’s for me; because i hate him, if you haven’t gathered

“it happened WHEN? wow, THAT LONG AGO? just get over it”
“there’s no need to keep living in the past”
“what a crazy *****”

i’m sorry, i can’t hear you, you’ve caught me at a real bad time
i’ve gotta do something about that dang machine again
all it seems to do these days is WHINE

here’s to him:
go ahead and tell your little friends how i'm the crazy one
but don't forget to mention all the ****** up **** you've ever done
i know what you think and say about me to your new girls—
—but how about you?
can’t unleash your feelings without revealing the ***** truth

what the ******* think you’re laughing at?
let’s give you something to cry about instead
can’t remember just whose side you’re on after i flip the switch and see that red
not talking violence, sorry, i tend to get a little heated
it’s this lack of closure, justice, resolution that i’m needing

he knows exactly what he did, he just won't admit it
he doesn't seem to like that i put him in this "tough" position
kind of ironic, don't you think? given the situation

we were only kids
thirteen and twelve
you'll never understand the grief you caused--
i lost myself

adrift in a world of nightmares flashing always, never ceasing
you had me on the run
from everything that i was thinking, wanting, feeling

tracking calories and body weight to regain control
spiraled into darkness with drugs and alcohol

my head is and was and always will be such a mess
i swear i screamed out NO but all you heard was Yes

~

what the **** happened to you

and, more importantly,

what happened to me?

Don’t call it life,
when it’s my life you’re stripping,
my body, my rights, my voice you’re silencing
with hands that never held the weight
of this choice.
Tell me,
how is it your right to choose for me,
when you’ve never felt your own body betrayed?
When you’ve never felt the aftermath,
the ache, the anger,
when your life was taken, stolen,
and they asked what you were wearing,
Explained to you how it was your own fault.
How dare you call yourselves defenders of life
when you crush the life in us,
when you leave scars on our hearts
with your careless words,
your polished speeches,
your “righteous fists”.
Don’t you dare tell me what I can do
with this body, this breath, this heartbeat,
like it’s something you’ve earned,
like it’s something you know.
You legislate with hands that’ll never bleed,
never bear the weight, never know the fear—
you write laws with ink you’ll never feel burn,
ink that cuts us open, while you watch from afar.
Tell me,
how is it your right to decide,
how is it your right to choose,
when it’s my life, my body on the line,
when it’s my blood, my bones, my voice
you erase with a pencil?

You never see the hidden scars,
the marks left by hands uninvited,
by voices saying “boys will be boys” while my voice is silenced,
a whisper swallowed by the same mouths that judge me
for what they took.
Is that justice? Is that your idea of freedom?
No, you’ll never know.
You’ll never know because your world isn’t stained with fear,
your nights aren’t haunted by footsteps behind,
by eyes burning holes as you walk down the street
wondering if tonight’s the night someone decides
that your body is now theirs.
I am not your object, your pawn, your game.
Not your pet to control, to condemn, to tame.
I am not a vessel for your morals,
not a canvas for your shame.
This body, my body,
is mine.
Not yours to shackle in laws,
not yours to bind in blame,
not yours to drown in silence.