Oral **** joke is that I wanted to come over
The oral **** joke is his bed that I agreed to lay in
The oral **** joke is I was the one who wanted to make out
The oral **** joke is whatever we call it was finished
My mind filled with guilt
It takes a society to tell a **** joke
The oral **** joke is his neck that I shouldn't have kissed
The oral **** joke is this has happened before with someone else
The oral **** joke is I am still friends with that someone else
The oral **** joke is that I never broke up with the second guy
The oral **** joke is that even with my mind filled with guilt
And my stomach turning with sickness
I still wanted him forever
The oral **** joke is I should have pushed him off
**** jokes make me wanna just die
The oral **** joke is he got to break up with me the night after
The oral **** joke is he got to start dating another girl
The oral **** joke is he didn't have to feel the guilt
The oral **** joke is he's happy
The oral **** joke is because I didn't leave I'm not allowed to be traumatized from it
The oral **** joke is because I talk about it like it was nothing
I must have wanted to do it
Of course I don't cry myself to sleep at night thinking about it or anything
No I totally didn't hurt myself over it or anything
The oral **** joke is I should have went home
The oral **** joke is I'm the one who kept kissing him even tho he kept trying to do something I was not comfortable with
The oral **** joke is the questions
Why didn't I say no louder?
And why didn't I say no more clearly?
Even tho I said it 5 times
I should have said it again
The oral **** joke is when I got home I acted like it never happened
The oral **** joke is that it was my fault
The oral **** joke is I didn't leave him

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

every day, it gets worse.
every day and those after, i am once again told,
“it’s your fault”
i know, every day,
that they are not wrong.

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

every day and those after,
i lose myself,
more and more.
i’m rotting and
disgusting.
i am lost
and i am scared.

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

every day and those after,
i am reminded.
“he felt more anxiety than you ever will,”
she says,
“they left him waiting, thinking his life was over,
for an entire weekend.”
a weekend? ha, amature.
i’ve been knowing.
my life is over, and has been
for seven months.
he got off free,
i got a life sentence.

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

be careful- don’t forget!!
he is not a ******,
you are not a victim.
he’s just a boy,
in the moment.
you know how they are.

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

maybe i’m just lying.
what if i’m wrong?
and i’m just
a product of what has already happened to me?
since it is my fault,
since i still don’t know how to take accountability,
maybe it’s not even real.

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

in church, they talk about ****** purity.
am i going to hell for this?

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

his hands are still all over me.
all
over
me.
i tried to scrub it all away,
the flesh came off my body.
he still found a way
to write his name
on
my bones.

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

i can’t look in the mirror anymore.
it’s never me.
every time i look,
it’s always someone new.
a grotesque figure.
i can’t stand to see myself.

it has been seven months since my ****.
it has been seven months since my ****.

my face often becomes numb.
i throw my hands under boiling water and still feel
nothing.

seven months.
that’s
212 days,
5088 hours.
i don’t know who i am
anymore.