Now 20 turning 21 this month, but you don't realize the time and where it went until you reach a certain age.
20 still young but not as young when you think back to years ago.
When i was 10 i thought my teenage and adult life would be filled with what we see on the movies, full of life, party and fun.
But it really isn't like that, when you reach a certain age maybe for some what you wish you had may never become.
Never being able to join the cool kids, go to parties to have sleep overs because you're not labeled as "cool".
Time's have changed since back in your days, or our days.
No more house parties as we used to see, just more reckless than what old generation of the youthful playful teens would be.
I used to think drugs, parties, alcohol, loud music, *** and being popular would be cool, (isn't that what we all thought high school would be like?)
but now i look back and think it wouldn't be fun to...
die from drugs, puke from poison, carry maybe syphilis.
But maybe being able to join a party or 2 and be a bit popular and be liked would be cool.
Or would it?

I often wander past her gallows
And feel a sympathetic twinge
At glints of sun on growing rifts
I long to hear her sing

My fingers itch to hold the mallet
Molded to her brazen form
A tongue, once ripped from quiet lips
It rests, with ears, unworn

If treasured glance is counted higher
Than the purest ringing note
Then may she hang still, gagged in silence
“To Liberty!”, I quote

Inhaling less than swallowing, the smoke
Is churning in guts turned over frail lungs.
There is a taste of parties that evoke
Loitering and after *** chill sessions.
It's all just floating in the space between
Pulsing diaphragms and small intestines.
Hitting tobacco from the **** to ween
One from cigarettes is like invest'n
In a slower death. One accidental
Flex of the throat and feel the backward blows
Of a thousand dead leaves instrumental
In slacking muscles blocking acid flows.
      Some tums might help, throwing up, or quitting.
      Nah! I'll **** lemons and keep on spitting.

I didn’t want to miss out
                        I love going to parties

So this is my attempt
                        To find some new friends

I’ll try my best
                        I’m a shy extrovert

It’s a poetic challenge
                       Words and people I love

Dear Diary;
Does not drinking
half a bottle of gin
make me more or
less fun at parties?
On second thoughts,
don't answer that.

The music is blaring
Like the drum of
My heart.

Isn't it strange?
To be surrounded
By people
Yet feel drowned
In loneliness?

I grab a
Drink
Swallow and
Feel the sting
That gets me drunk
on
The feeling of
Nothingness.

A blurred
Voice
Calls for me.
It's slurred speech's
Making my
Nerves calm.

I grab it
Tightly
And follow it home
Never
To be seen
Again.

Alone...
Whether I'm in a crowded room,
                                        or alone with you....
                                                          It never seems to be enough...
I guess it shouldn't bother me as much,
                                                           ­ this feeling of loneliness...
I'd grown all too familiar with it growing up...
Never fitting in,
       always the one being left out of parties and social gatherings....
This feeling of loneliness is something I'd grown accustomed to,
                     but i never expected to feel it from you....
I thought you'd be different,
      I know how much your gaming means to you and I get that,
                                                           ­                                         I really do...
I just need someone...
Someone who's always going to be there,
                                                            sure­ there'll be distractions,
      but nothing that's so self emerging and addicting that in that moment and time nothing else matters but winning...
I just need that constant reassurance,
                                       that you're not going anywhere,
                                                       ­                            that I'm ok...
All i want is to be ok..... Not Alone......
        I want, no, I crave that comfort, like a warm blanket and cozy socks,
       curled up at a window to watch the rain as it pours down outside...
God I feel so alone.....