You ask what is wrong
and all the words flood my head.
Every supressed thought
that I hide to myself.

I ask you what but
I heard what you said.
I'm just trying to stall to
think of my response.

Tell her how you're riddled with uncertainty
How the thoughts never stop.
Every voice in your head tells you
how she's going to eventually leave....

They all eventually leave.
Bite your tongue because no one
likes insecurity.
Just shake your head, reassuringly.

Nah, everything's all good.

Once in a day I wake,
And once in a day I fall away.

Once in today I looked inside myself to find the ways I used to be.
Once in one day I still cannot see who I will be.

Once in two days I fall astray and I forget what I've meant to forget to remember.

Once,
I sway to the sounds of my approaching sleep,
Everything goes away.

One, in this way,
I slip,
I fade away into the peace I wish I'd find,
Every other day.

~Robert van Lingen

My stomach is sick, my legs are shaking.
Tell me now, have I lost it all?
Maybe I need to lie down, you've been laying down for me.
Am I going crazy? Have I lost it all?

             I can't help, but lose myself, in you.

You tell me the truth, or so you claim.
Then you go running, back to him.
Maybe I need step back, protect myself.
From being broken, and losing it all.

              I can't help, but lost myself, in you.

                               Tell me what you're thinking.
                                   I've been trying to guess.
                          What's been going on in your head?
                          What's been going on in your head?

Laughs and smiles shared over scrambled eggs and ham
Giggles in class as secret notes are passed
Wandering the school halls with no worry in the world
This was the fantasy of childhood
Happy days were happy nights

Now happy days end with panic attacks and tears
I cannot remember the last time my smile was genuine
Joy never lasts and pain is all that remains
The happiest days have the most miserable nights

She felt too many things, so many
she couldn't manage to process it all
so her brain was often flooded with
overwhelming thoughts of how everything
could go wrong until she couldn't manage
to think anything at all.
- saturated.

Before I knew it.
I pressed send.
A long text meant to be erased.
Thought about,
Re-thought about.
I smiled before thinking about
The initial reply back.
My heart sunk.
Sick.
Constantly thinking.
The buzz of notification.
Exactly what to do when her face shows on my screen.
Exactly how to play off
The only voice,
The only face that mattered this time of night.
To be honest, I wasn't sure
What I expected to see.
Of course lying to myself.
My pinky underneath the phone
For support.
Waiting for reply.
A mental continuation
Bringing another thought to the message sent.
Fighting the urge to send Lol.
I sat almost a lifetime.
The same heart wrenching feeling.
The moment you realize you lost your phone.
Or my case.
A brief text denying all evidence of what stares at her nose.
Brightly lit.
Signifying what I saw
When she'd call, when she'd text.
That same delicious smile I'd heart over a million times.
All reserved for future reply.