I'M SO USED TO BEING HURT THAT I DON'T NOTICE PAIN ANYMORE.

The worst part was the numbness.
She was numbed down to the point she could not do anything.
She could not sleep. She could not cry. She could not read. She could not write.
It felt as if even the most basic, most fundamental action was strenuous for her.
All she could do was to lie down and stare at the ceiling, watching the clock slowly ticking away her time.
She wanted to **** herself. But how?
She wanted to give it all up. For who?
In her numb state, even sleep betrayed her. She could not move. All she could do was to lie down and let the numbness sink into the deepest layer of her skin.

All lonesome you remain,
Within these four walls of pain,
Going on with your lies and manipulative ways,
As if, it's a child's play.

Saying things you don't want to say,
Hiding things behind your fake facade.
Asking everyone to leave you alone,
But that's not what you really want.

Needing a shoulder to cry upon,
But too bad that you've pushed everyone away.
Taking advantage of their kindness,
And throwing it back on their face.

In the end, nothing matters ,
Because after all your life was a disaster,
Though, it was a disaster you made,
Still... it's better that you ended the never ending pain.

lovely silence brushes over me
in ribbons of forgotten promises
and the wrong kind
of contentment

Make me forget who I am for a night
You can do what you want just hold me tight
My pain is evident in my dark eyes
My mouth painted red with loves lies

My nails dig into your back deep
As you make me forget I weep
Something about the man that is you
I forget the things that make my heart blue

You press your lips against mine consuming my soul
But that is what you do... that's your goal...
You make me numb with this thing called love
But to handle the beast you're going to have to wear more then a satin glove

My heart slows as you give me what I want
But I know my actions tonight will haunt
I know you are doing what you do best
By causing me to forget the pain caused by all the rest

i remember looking at the clouds
thinking how alone they looked
Appearing to share each others company
but at the same time looking so distant
Ive always sympathized with them
i would lay and watch them pass over me for hours
wondering how they knew where to go even when the path became dark
The stars don’t shine like they used to
they’ve dimmed to a slight glow
the light doesn’t seem to be in my reach anymore
I’ve stopped wishing on shooting stars whats the point of believing when you know what your believing in is a lie
only kept alive with counterfeit faith
only there to deceive yourself rather than everyone around you
Freckles dust your shoulders and cheeks
i cant help but imagine each one being a lie I’ve kept alive for your sake
There were millions
the thing i love about you most can somehow represent what i hate about you just as much
You’ve never held me the way you did today
i should be happy
instead i feel the exact opposite
Numbness and detachment blur my vision and block my thoughts
I’m left staring out the window while you gently kiss my neck
I’ve become the clouds
alone amongst the masses
You make me call the shots
thats not what i want
i need someone to tell me
what to do
where to go
how to speak
lately Ive been tired of holding so much responsibility on my shoulders
you nuzzle your nose with my own and gaze into my eyes
i really don’t want to let you go
You ask whats wrong
i answer with my new catch phrase
I’m tired
if only you could see that i mean Im tired of this routine

Somehow I’m able to feel so profoundly but at the same time feel nothing at all

i blame it on my ****** up character

lack of trust
fearfulness of intimacy
drifting apart
getting hurt
losing them
being alone
The loneliness clutches my wrists, breathily whispering
“you’ve driven everyone away, the ones you love so dearly are either dead, dying, or gone because you made them leave.”

The word goodbye slams around in my head
thrashing around and whacking the walls
this must be what my headaches originate from
I can’t just keep you around for my sake
my fear of being alone
I have this need to be with someone
but when i am
I’m not there at all
When you held me i felt nothing at all
only the warmth of your body and the scruff on your chin
My kisses were too hard
my touch too callous
all my motions seem to be rehearsed
Im beginning to think that we’ve lost our touch
I’m not sure if it was ever even there to begin with.

O ****** little skirt,
A red so loud it burns my skin.
Such fine floral patterns,
And thorns that split human skin.

Wanders on a hill of red and green,
Falls into the hands of men with no mercy.
Stretched and pulled and stretched and pulled,
Like liquor rushing into hot capsules.

O ****** little skirt,
Trembles in the dark closet.
Pleasure and pain,  pleasure and pain,
Share the same red unmade bed.

O ****** little skirt,
Keep bleeding, keep bleeding.
O poor ****** little skirt,
What have you now?