Does anything that anyone does even matter
Sure I've got religion but it feels like it doesn't apply because on some level I have a knowledge that I'll be alright but then there's this other level that likes throwing very speedy and illegal curve ***** from around the corner of existence and I'll be fine one minute and crying the next and I've been called childish for that (I resent that alex keene) but I am
We all are
Humans are too fragile to be allowed emotion to be allowed relationships with other people
Like I can't take care of someone else's stability, do I look like I have my life together?
That's why trusting is so difficult because to me real trust is knowing you can complain to someone without feeling annoying and knowing they'll listen and not judge you and actually care what you say
But all of this is going into the void anyway and no one will read it so does it matter
Does anything matter, we're back here again
nothing matters nothing matters nothing
My brain quite legitimately reminds me of this and that's not pretentious poetry BS

I wish my head would turn off and go to sleep and then maybe I wouldn't have racoon eyes and my mom would stop complaining about my sour disposition

what a lot of people don't understand is that it gets the worst at night
everything gets too close to real and suddenly blurring the world with eyes squinted shut isn't quite as effective
my stomach drops out and panic worms through my chest and it doesn't matter if I just had the best day of my life because none of that is important when I can't breathe

Overload caffeine
No food
Too many pills
Workout for hours
No sleep
****** nights with steel
Gaging meals in the bathroom
Blackout drunk
Loss of hope
Loss of fear
Loss of self

I am afraid for the person I was two weeks ago
And for the one I will be one week from now

The constant torture of being in two minds in one place
Keeping up with two outlooks on one topic

Because when I'm in these moments I have no control
You could say one never really loses sight of themselves
But then you'd be lying

You see I do every night when I'm in this state
I know the outcome, the end of it all
And take it with open arms and chin upheld to the evils of everything I squandered

That night they found you
In the park laying in blood
With your hoodie on, almost covering your  face

I saw you at the hospital bed and you looked comfortable even though you were in so much pain

It reminded me of all the times we would take the bus so early, so so early in the brisk mornings

And you'd be so sleepy,  so so sleepy and warm
You were always so warm
With your head inside your hoodie
Looking like a baby
And I'd giggle and give you kisses on your nose
Because I loved your nose the most

And you'd sort or squeeze my thigh and say something about my jeans. How they are too tight or how there are  "waaay too many rips."

And we would sit there silent just occasionally reading each others thoughts like it was nothing, just reading the way you'd read an ad on the bus

And I knew you were too good to be true
Because I felt like I was always dreaming around you

And I didn't think someone would make you go, make you leave me like this

And I didn't think the best memories of you would come so suddenly, in waves just to flood my whole body with this bad aching, such bad aching that felt like it was stealing years from my life...

And I really wanted it to, really really wanted it to.

I've seen you colour me in and colour me out -
like a child curious with a new discovery.

I feel your gaze watching me as I half-sleep.
Your colorblind world may be black and white,
but darling I thrive for the darkness!
It hides the colours you could never see -
so colour me out,
and let me sleep in peace!