Sooner or later it was bound to happen.
I fell for you,
                     Again.
In a way I’m quite tired of this dance,
                Waltzing around,
         Spinning,             dipping,
   A two step.                     a  salsa.
         Rhythmic              sadness-
                   Tiptoeing love.
In a way I wish this love had never happened,
I know the impossibility for what I hope for.
Yet everyday I just wait for another song
In our ballroom of text messages and google docs,
The band plays a taunting song-
In the key of heartbreak,
And timed out to the tempo of our thoughts.
Even within our gala the other dancers snicker,
For I have no partner,
And your love is dancing with another.

I miss you mommy

I think about you a lot
About who you were
And what you were
To me

How kind and self-sacrificing you were
How hardworking
How strong
How beautiful and loving and warm and bright

Oh, how I miss you!

But the more I think about you
The more I realize
Just how fragile
You truly were

How your kindness
And self-sacrificing nature
Was the result of abusive parents
Who constantly molested your body and mind,
Spewing lies of you
Being meaningless and unlovable
As they rubbed their sins and selves upon you

Oh, how you wanted to be loved and needed!

How you used hardwork
To gain the fraudulent love and care
Of rotten people,
Who used you to fill their pockets
And laze around on the back of your efforts.

Oh, how they hurt you!

How your strength
Was throwing up walls
To keep them out,
So they could never penetrate
Deep enough into your heart
To ever hurt you again.

Oh, how you feared they would!

And how your
Beauty,
Love,
Warmth and
Brightness
Was who you truly were
And who you promised yourself to be.

For me
My brother
And my dad

For friends and strangers
My cousins, aunts and uncles
And my horrible grandparents

For all of us
Because it made you feel
Loved and needed

And you were
You were so very
Loved and needed

I hope you knew that you were

I miss you mommy

Subtle changes.
But changes none the less.
From the way you look at me.
To the way you react to me.

Subtle changes.
But changes none the less.
From the way you stopped kissing me.
To the way me kissing you is burden.

Subtle changes.
But changes none the less.
From the way you don’t seem to need me.
To the way you don’t seem to want me.

Yeah I know the changes are subtle.
But they are changes none the less.
I guess I’m half to blame.
Because of how I imagined things would be.
I imagined a world where your soul was addicted to mine.
I imagined a world where your love for me outweighed your everyday stressors.
I imagined a world where my value was at the forefront of your mind.
But most importantly I imagined a world where we were equal.
Equal in what we give.
Equal in what we take.
Equal in how hard we love.
Equal in how hard we feel.
But I’m running 390 meters.
While that last 10 seems to be such a burden for your soul.
..but like I said, I’m half to blame.
Because I don’t demand my value.
I tell you everything is fine while my happiness with you is shattering.
I ask for you for consistency, but I allow you to flake every time.
I need you to nourish me in how I speak love.. but allow your needs to proceed my own.

Leaving me slowly withering away & becoming the most subtle change of all.
But it will be a change none the less.

I do not want someone "brave enough"
to love me
to tear their way through my heart
to leave the wreckage they pass through
worse than before

I want someone soft
to take their time
to notice me in the corner
to silently help me tidy up

to tuck me in bed next to them
with nothing but a "good job" and my kiss
on their lips