Perhaps it's due to the early hour,
Or the hole in my chest,
Or the endless darkness encasing my tomb,
But I can stop thinking of you.

I became absent.
In everything.
With everyone.
I didn't want to realize,
How alone I truly am.
Because **** it.

I don't need anything.
I don't need food.
I don't need a relationship.
I don't need my family.
I don't need friends.
I don't need you.

I
Don't
Need
You.

I don't need you.

I don't
Need
You.

I
Don't Need
You.

I don't need
You.


Because if I say it,
In just the right way,
With the right rhythm,
I will believe it.

I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you.. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you.. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you.. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you.. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you.

Well...
Maybe I convinced you at least?

i don’t know what to do, love. i wish there was something i could do to help me bare with the heaviness of your absence. as hard as it is, i’ve come to realize that i need you here. i need to hear the sound of your laugh. i need to gaze into your brown eyes one more time. i need to stare at you doing such ordinary things, like watching your favorite show or having your favorite dish. i need to hear you talk about university or state your opinion on a movie or documentary. i need to feel that ache in my stomach from cracking up at your jokes and watching you do the clumsiest things to make me laugh. i need you to try to throw me off bed and feed me in public when i’m not looking just because you know it embarrasses me. i need you to pose anywhere and take endless pictures of us. i need you to introduce me to your mom one more time. i need you to smile again when she asks about me. i need you to get frustrated with me but still call me by my name so i know i haven’t lost you forever. i need you to randomly call me when your friends are around. i need you to ask me one more time why i want to hang up. i need you to listen as i tell you the things i could never say to anyone else. i need you to get under my skin, to **** me off like no one else. i need you to make me feel as comfortable as i felt the first night we met. i need you to put my mind at ease. i need you to fight for me one more time. i need you to discuss the most random topics with me. i need you to share your writings one more time. i need you to lay with me while we listen to our favorite songs, just one more time. i need you to give me that rush, to send shivers down my spine, to make me feel like my heart is about to drop, just one more time. as pathetic as it sounds, i need you here. but i know for a fact, that you don’t need me. and i don’t need the heartache of knowing that you don’t feel the same way i do.

so stay safe, love. i need you to be strong, love. i need you to admire every sunset you come across. i need you to blast your favorite songs and cruise around the city. I need you to wear your heart on your sleeve without worrying about the whole world looking. i need you to finish reading the book i gave you. i need you to keep those two bracelets. i need you to work ******* achieving your goals. i need you to make the best out of your life because every second counts. i need you to smile softly. i need you to fall in love with someone who’s willing to give you more than you deserve, because you deserve the world and should only settle for someone who can offer you an entire multiverse. i need you to talk about your feelings. i need you to value yourself and stand your ground. i need you to recommend the Breadwinner series to as many people as you can. i need you to listen to Location one more time. i need you to sing along to it, just one more time. i need you to go on with your life and i need you to be happy, even if that happiness doesn’t include me. i need you to belong to the horizon and the night sky and the stars, because you could never belong to me.


yours truly,
S.B.

I don't need a man
I need a friend
I don't need a leader
I need a friend
I don't need a role model
I need a friend
I don't need a bad example
I need a friend
I don't need a cat
I need a friend
I don't need a teacher
I need a friend
I don't need a hero
I need a friend
I don't need a guardian
I need a friend
I don't need a guardian angel
I need a friend
I don't need a an angel
I need a friend
I don't need a ghost
I need a friend
I don't need a lover
I need a friend
I don't need a companion
I need a friend
I don't need a mother
I need a friend
I don't need another
I need a friend
I don't need you
I need a friend
I don't need you either
I need a friend
and I definitely don't need you
I need a friend
I don't me
I need a friend

Give me passion. I want it. I need the fire. I want my heart to beat again. I need to feel alive. Give me someone. Give me love. I want a life. I want it now. I need the lips. I need the kiss. Give me loyalty. Give me someone. I want the blood. I need the scars. I want my skin to scream. I need to feel alive. Give me someone. I want it. I want to love. I need the love. I want it. I need it. Give me the moon. Give me strength. Give me pain. Give me addiction. I want it. I need it. Give me sparks. Give me death. I want it. I need it. Give me shots. Give me rope. Give me blades. Give me knives. I want it. I need it. Give me desire. Give me longing. I want it. I crave it. I need the *****. I need the drug. I need someone. I want it I need it. I want more. I need more. Give me love. I need passion. I want the fire. I need the sparks. I need the stars. I want a heart that's healed. I want the lips. I want the kiss. I need the touch. I need the breath. Give me love. Give me someone. I want it. I need it. I want truth. I want purity. But need regret. I want worthwhile. I need it. I need it. I want the difference. I need the matteration. I want life. But I need death. I want company. But I have loneliness. I want light. But I'm stuck in the darkness. I want heaven. I want hell. I want. I want. I want. I want forever. I want you. I need you. I crave you. I want you. Give me nothing. But I need nothing. I want everything. But I need nothing. Give me blood. Give me death. Give me rope. Give me guns. I want peace. I need rest. I need happiness. But I have sadness. I need the blood. I need the scars. I need death, for it is above all. I have nothing. And so I'll need death. Give me forever. Give me regret. Give me heaven. I have the transportation. Give me the right vein. Give me strong rope. I now have rest. I now have happiness. I now have love. And I now have someone. Above all.

Before we go too far there are a few things that I need you to know.
I need you to know that when I drive I grip the steering wheel tighter, but only with my right hand.
If I knew why my left hand was so nonchalant about the whole ordeal I would force my right hand to think the same.
I need you to know that coffee makes me shake,
It makes me shake to the point where I feel my ribcage start to clatter,
but if I do drink it it's gotta have at least a gallon of creamer in it.
I need you to remind me to ask for no tomatoes at restaurants.
Otherwise, that one small needless thought will throw me off all day.
The same can be said for mushrooms at green olives,
and if you like any of those nasty things that I just listed
I will happily throw them across the table and scowl while you eat.
I need you to know I was taught to not talk about politics or religion
So I don't,
but I gonna real quick.
Because sometimes my opinions are forced out of me and,
I need you to be on my side in that argument.
I am pro-choice because a woman has a right to her own body and,
when I was ***** the looming threat of having a baby
I was too young to want or take care of ate me up for two months.
Before I got my period.
If you ask me if the Black Lives Matter movement makes any sense
I'll tell you yes because black lives have to matter
before all lives can.
And if you ask me about religion I'll tell you what I tell everyone.
I was born and raised catholic.
I even went to Catholic school for 10 years,
and I still go to church on Sundays.
Not because I'm a believer,
but because an hour of my time
is not worth as much as an hour of my grandpa's.
But if there is a God.
He sure is one crooked *******,
because he took my grandma away from me when I was 9.
And I've been suffering from depression ever since.
I need you to know that my field of ***** is barren,
but if you really need me to care.
I will go out and cultivate the field until I can give you one.
I need you to know that I got my mom's vocal cords.
Which means that my volume button is stuck on really loud.
I remember in school I used to be able to hear her from the top floor
The say way I could hear her heels clicking as she came after me.
You should hear my mom and I fight.
It sounds like two marching bands clashing together.
That is why sometimes my dad tells me to be quiet,
because he heard that same voice screaming at him in court,
while he was fighting for custody of me.
I need you to know that I sleep with three pillows.
One behind my head and one on each side.
That way no matter how much I toss and turn
I always have something to hold.
I need you to know that my brother in my saving grace and,
I'm not ashamed to say he is my best friend.
Because we've lived through the same trauma.
The only difference is his dad didn't have the courage to stay.
He may be half my blood,
but he is my full-fledged family, and I will always be there for him
I need you to know that my car's name is Fred.
He's a 2009 Standard shift Ford Fusion,
and I've rolled all his corners.
I've kept him running all these years because my dad bought him
and the insurance he paid was expensive
So I'm gonna get his money's worth
I need you to know that I remember all of my dreams,
and I mean all.
The medication I take has made it so my vivid imagination sticks.
I need you to know that Water Off a Ducks Back is my motto
I don't do conflict,
but if and when it arises I cut it off at the source
I need you to know that uncomfortable situations hurt me.
Like a deep real physical pain
I can't handle awkwardness.
Even in tv shows and movies
I need you to know that on my 17th birthday I cried,
because I was scared of turning 18
I have an overwhelming fear of the future.
I need you to know that I am a spelling bee champion,
and I will correct you.
No matter how much I love you.
So don't make me turn teacher on you.
I need you to know that I laugh, wheeze and, snort all the time
It is the most common thing I do.
I make more dumb jokes in a day then you could wish to ever hear
I think I'm hilarious,
but it has been proven otherwise.
I need you to know that all dogs are puppies
and all puppies are cute
I need you to agree to become the world's animal shelter
Not just dogs
I'm talkin
Raccoon Snakes to
Karma Chameleon to
Bugs Bunny
because I will happily be the world's zookeeper
I need you to know that I want to travel the entire world
and do it all from the comfort of my bed.
I need you to know I bite my nails.
a lot
chronically
and it's so bad that my nail beds are permanently damaged
You could compare the rivets in my nails
to outcasting ripples in the water.
I need you to know I pull my hair out.
Literally
I have Trichotillomania and OCD tics out the *****.
So when I get stressed
and you see my hand move to the back of my head
I need you to hit me
hard
and without hesitation
I need you to know I went through an emo faze
and that's as much as I'm gonna get into it.
I need you to know that you scare me
more than the dark
and yes I'm afraid of the dark,
but only because my mind has tricked me into thinking
that a monster watches me while I take out the trash.
I need you to know why I'm telling you these things
because without reason we are lost.
I need you to know
I will happily trade out one of my pillows for you,
and I will happily give you all the food I don't like
I need you to know
that I won't hold your spelling errors against you.
I need you to know that Fred is the third wheel,
and my brother doesn't mind taking the backseat especially
if he knows I've found someone worthy to ride shotgun.
I need you to know
that you and the future may be two of my greatest fears
but our future together brings me so much hope.
I saying all of this because it's who I am
and what I do
and it will probably never change
but I will happily add you to anything I do because,
I need you.