They say “use your voice”
What they don’t realize is that my voice is deep within my stomach
And I cannot find it
How can I find the words to explain what I’ve been through
And how I’m feeling when I’m in fear
Fearing I’d only be laughed at
Being afraid that nobody would believe me
And only believe my abuser
How can I compete with someone who is far much older than me
Because I’m just a “child who doesn’t know what she’s talking about”
So the only friend I have is my silence
Because she understands everything I’m going through
And I don’t have to say a word to her

So I ain't quite in the box,
If you have children,
If you have a puppy,
If you, if you, if you.
I have my own stuff,
Maybe I need to find my voice,
Maybe I need to not read others,
I'm sick of it.
Sick of not finding where I fit in.
Not finding the so called box.

I want to speak
I want to say hello
I want to say I love you and I always have
I want to tell you I keep going in hopes that one day
I might really know you
I want to tell you how even though you are human,
Somehow, you are perfection
I want to say I'll be there for you when no one else is
I'd love to tell you death is a small price to pay
To see you smile

But instead I tell you nothing at all
Because my voice,
My voice is a toxin
That freezes hearts
And when I speak
The toxin pierces my lips
And I am helpless to stop it

It wouldn't matter what I'd say
My voice would stab you as if it were a knife
And it would leave permanent scars

My voice would stain you with
All of the horrors that are me

So I'll keep those words to myself
And pray that you'll find someone
That can make you
Smile

I set up a place
to mourn,
like a Mother & her dead,
a deep & sacred peaceful bed,
she sleeps & she weeps,
beneath,
a vigilia soaking moon,
a flickering flame
of love snuffed out way too soon,
& boy that thing can really croon,

Death of a friendship,
& maybe romance,
gone in the wind,
we hadn't a chance,
or a last dance,
a last shooting star
came in cutting in deep
left a painful, poignant scar,
dug it down just a little bit too far,
put it on the shelf and put it in a jar,

You're shining,
& I'm the one who's endlessly whining,
because your light,
your light is ever shining so very bright,
shining, shining, shining,
a heart is ever-pining

Cuz' I sit 'neath the florescent light
that took my sweet & needed sight,
exposed to your external radiation,
composed in your internal frustration,
imposed by your nocturnal causation
& endless is the aggravation,

Wanting to glow & wanting to go,
wish that I didn't ever know,
that florescent ink, I stare & blink
Never stop to wonder & think,

Hey I'm burned, I'm blinded
you think I would be reminded,
you know I never really learned,
such star crossed lovers
never under starlit skies
& star kissed covers,
over me they hover,
hover

I got a million reasons to let you go
& ya you know,
ya know,
I should run for the hills
take some kinda pills,
lose every bit of  my will,
I should just.....

walk away,

No I should never let you leave early
or stay, but anyway,

you come,
in lucent technology,
appear on the screen,
I think hold on, this must be a dream,
your not exactly what you might seem,

I know it's my voice, so yeah it's my choice,
& in its sound I do rejoice,

but I missed,
I missed,
as I kissed that passing tear,
but I've lived to fight another year,
as it travels here no more,
no, no more,
instead she's the one,
knocking,
waiting  at your door
your door, your door,

hey knock, knock, knock,
tick tock tick tock I hear the clock,
ohhhhhh...oh, oh,
hey boy is anyone with you
tonight?

Cherie Nolan© 2016

maybe you can be my inspiration
my muse

cause God knows alone I'm useless

my backbone my strength
my focus
to make it home
to you

maybe
I'm just a dreamer

a believer
in humanity

in life

in you

in second chances

swimming with sharks
and biting back
just as hard

if not harder

for you

I can hear a voice in the distance
Echoing off the far corners of my mind

And with the intensity of thunder
It comes and it goes
And each time it gets louder
I try to run away
But
There is no escaping the storm
Trapped within my head

Agonizing torture
Unrelenting pain
The storm has risen
Less the rain

What have I've done God
God what have I've done
To receive such pain and punishment
Contemplating suicide
In search of a gun

If this is my hell
Then life isn't worth living
Flashes of the past
Lighting with a storm
Have spawned a tornado
And it's causing me great harm

Driving me mad
Driving me insane
Driving me to the edge
With gun
In hand

Togetherness
Embroiled
In the hearts
Of lovers

Forever
Stranded
On an island
Of love

Absent
Of
Malice
Attempts-
To ******
Their insecurities

Blanket illusions
Masking the effect
When love
Becomes lust

A race to nut
A
Cozy
Little
Lie

***** mixed
with a full moon twist
dry and on the rocks
keeps my tongue tide
and close to your ear
while you sexily sip Ciroc
we talk about this and that
and all the slick ****
that comes before ***
and God
that dress
the cause of my distress
killing me ******* softly
Abetted by light friendly caress
bordering the edges of
polite chatter
that sparkle in your eye
highlights a devilish glint
you lean closer
and whisper in my ear
I'm not ******* you tonight
smoke signals I've mastered
so between the lines I see
*****
*****
*****
bartender
another drink
please!

Never in my life
Have I've heard
Anything good
Escape your mouth
In regards to me

I am a **** stained smear  
At the bottom of your loafers
Bird **** droppings atop
Your prized buntal brim

Your eyes for me
Holds no sparkle
Or joy or love
For that matter

Only contempt
At the thought
That I am your seed

You spit phlegm
In spite
Of my existence
A regurgitated reminder
Of you

There are no complexities
In truth of procreation

I am the
Mirrored continuance
Of your self-hate
At war with myself

In a battle
Where no one
The victor

Covered in
**** stained shame
A biblical ***
Resign
To live life
Shunned

At the bottom
Of your
Shiny
Brand
New
Shoes

Fragile flowers withering

The crumbling of innocence replaced,

By carnal knowledge of
Violence and death.

Abstract eroticism
Riot their vision

Like an hypnotic drug,
Smothering their existence