There are forbidden things bursting forth from beneath my tongue like blooming flowers from the ground.
Urging me to the arms of strangers.
No, there will never be another special one, no like-minded soul to trust and confide in. My past rusts within me.

I am a human vault with no combination. Feeling nostalgic again for relationships I ruined.
On purpose in distrust I'm alone with all this lust again.
Sometimes self-awareness feels like a sham.
Will I ever know who I am?

Knowing me is more an eternal sigh and shake of the head than a pleasure.
I wish I was alright but I just might have to become okay with being all wrong forever.
Band-aids don't work on hearts.

Good things aren't the only things that fall apart. Nobody starts out exactly where they need to be.
The journey is the best part, though it isn't always pretty.
"I'd rather be a lonely forest than a busy street."
We all can be ugly, we all can be beautiful.
Most importantly, we all can be whoever we want to be.

I want to stop obsessing over the wound and pay attention to the healing.
Accept the past, begin forgiving.
Trek the bumpy road ahead to self-love and recovery.

Welcome to my headspace
Please leave your expectations at the door
Disordered psyche, impulsivity and indecision have branded me a wh*re
I want to be much then more
Humming,sighing, everything’s a bore. Screaming, crying, slumped on the floor.
Everything’s too much. Life and love are not enough.
The fist that’s beating the hope out of me is my own neurotic instability.
Insecurity, emotionally and financially draining me.
Return me to the sea where I have always belonged.
No longer defined by my wrongs,
Or the wrongs that have been done unto me.
Rather entangled with an indescribable longing
To be strong, independent, comfortable.
For the ability to know that where I am is where I belong.
Lost in breathing moments.
I exist I exist I exist

Sweet words in my mouth,
Formed and hardened,
Like indissoluble candies,
Clogging my throat,
Ceasing my breath.

Sweetness overflow,
Rushing in my veins,
Blocking my mind,
Losing my sanity,
Killing me slowly.

And on my grave,
Ants will feast,
They will eat my meat,
Just as if dying,
Is as sweet as living.

Mania dances around my head teasing me into thinking I’m happy , when mania is near your uncontrollable laughter consumes my sadness , your thoughts consume mine as we become one, you love attention and you do anything to get it, a soft whisper in my ear and a shove from behind forcing me to live out your life, my anxiety is racing with uncertainty from the uncomfortable situations you put me in , and as my mind races to figure out how to stop it , you slowly bring me back to earth again , reminding me that you are me and I am you, as you slowly fade away , waiting for another day, the sadness sinks back in, wishing I had your confidence and wishing I had your silly personality, my dark room calls me away from freedom of mania , reaching for the orange pill bottle ,lithium stares into my eyes with a glimmer telling me everything will be all right as I shut my eyes.

I didn’t get the memo
to evolve -
stop sticking my hands
into the fresh-fire,
as if some part
of my visceral mania
wants to ****** my knuckles
with the ashes of Prometheus.

Every day that I don’t crash my car
is a white-hot remnant
of the suffocation of boredom,
like my life is on pause
until I’m nose down in a gutter
or in a line that I keep trying to cross.

There’s evaporated acid rain
condensing within every hangover,
each time the sun
rises; I rip down my fingernails
climbing to reach it,
gasping down
at the pulsating impulse
to make something terrifying
out of paper maché
and broken bottles
and bruised ego.

In every grave, there’s an I,
subtly watching
for the apotheosis;
a moment of sickly-yellow violence
igniting once more
any excuse for a fight
for fame,
for a feeling.

This mess of thoughts
too many to bare
Don't even look at me, if you're gonna stare!
See what I'm doing right for a change
I wish...
Told my mom its been like 10 years
Please let me grow
have faith, not fear
Sometimes I cry because I am judged SOOOO much
Get Up, wipe away your tears!
You started this Kristy, noone else to blame
This endless cycle that nobody can tame
not even meditation, medication
I know that's not right
2 appointments today, lets get this **** right!
Mom said start making a list
even my lists are manic or I lose them...
Wish me luck for I'm on the edge
If I can step back, I might get to LIVE

Kristy Robertson
6/12/2020