Expressions lax at the crossroads.

Their worn tracks are like
little smiles (stained, muddied,
darkened) on evening's
soft purchase.

— I'm clutching dry lips
on these bleeding
little mouths.

— I'm remembering
to be as stars:

so closely far away from you.

the metro is a dream machine,
lights pulse through dark windows;
colours stretch, tangle,
till they break, phase, fade out.
those high pitched squeals,
squeaks of wheels, wind tunnel
rush and hum of pushing against time.

gliding underground, electric eel,
growls like a metal dragon,
tail bending around corners,
weaving the bends,
hisses like a snake.
jumping out in the half second
before it exhales to a stop.

I don't know
I guess what i'm trying to say is--
no, missing you
my eyes dancing around the fact that they want to spill,
writing this
goes against who i'm trying to be.
i lost you. it feels like you died
it hurts to know i cried over you because i can't compete
with your own problems
instead of being able to help them.
and i know i said i was fine
but all day i was pretending
and i know i'm going to keep having to pretend and i think that's a close second to why i feel like my stomach is on it's way out my throat.
you don't love me anymore. you say you do and i know you do
but it's never the way i want to be loved. with anyone
and it makes me even more angry that you know this
and that i'm tearing up in the library right now
and why do i care
so much
that's the other thing, that this will all blow over like a tidal wave
and eventually i won't feel like i swallowed a cruel saltwater  joke
i keep hoping you're joking
but the truth is the truth-- that the colors will never be as bright as yours were before this and we'll never be the same again,
even if you let me hold your hand again, hold my heart in your hand because i already gave you mine and need something to fill this
gaping hole --
well, now it's filled.

A serpent of the deep
  without the creep

As two mountains
  and their peaks

is "M" so bold --
       Majestically!

:: 10-16-2018 ::

lyrical vices spewed out from mouths of rubber
strung together with tongues of knives
you spit fire and death all around
breaking hearts and taking lives,
a woman of pure evil
and like deals with the devil
I offer both youth and future
use me as you please, break me as I am,
my dear demon queen

Type, delete
Type, type, type... deleeeete...
Ttttt, ype, dele(type).. delete.

Type, type type (space) type
deeeleeeete...

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holding your hand is the only high i need
holding you is better than
the buttery french toast i missed out on last night
the smell of maple and almost thirty voices of teenagers born from Hollywood,
our skin sleek with after prom,
i carved our initials in the table at dennys
my heart heavy and pink with the feeling of being 17 and
hurtling towards the end of everything,
sitting in the backseat and glowing,
holding you
is the only drug i need,
unicorn hooves and clenched teeth,
fog machines and sweetness immeasurable,
emily dickinson sitting in a diner at midnight,
wishing she was in bed
or somehow closer
to you

Look, i don't know why i feel
The way that i do,
I wish i had an answer as to why--
Why i feel fragile, and weak..
Why i always feel so out of tune
I feel fine one day and the next i feel
I feel so out of it..
My heart pounds, my breathing quickens
And I'm clenching my jaw to keep from
Screaming and choking back words..
I move as fast as i can to reach
a clear so i can let them out
To let the tears roll down
Sometimes i don't even make it
And i have no explanation why this happens
It happens when I'm alone,
while I'm speaking over the phone,
When I'm with you im okay I can speak
But something takes over me
And i feel lifeless
Empty but with all the emotions
That someone threw out and latched
to the nearest body to control
I feel like a puppet stuck with a never-ending
Understanding why i can't breatheeeeee
In moments like thissss
Will i ever get over feeling panicky
Or will i always be stuck with my anxiety?
  - M.