We sit behind dull lit screens,
Pixelated faces; pixelated dreams.
I wish you were here physically, my friend
To snuggle with, to hug, to laugh with, and to kiss...
"Fish lips!"
Until our paths cross again at your parents house in November.

I am thankful for technology.


© Jo Tomso

maybe all our wasted days will add up to this:
bruised knuckles
and
swear words
and
"i love you so much it's killing me"

we wanted to build something that would last,
something that would whittle away at time,
even after our bones melt into ashes,
and only a tombstone remembers our names

but darling, we were never destined to be permanent;
we were uprooted by our own volatile mouths
that would spit enough fire
to destroy anything we constructed

so, we created desperation and goodbye letters
written with shaking hands
neither of us would claim as our own

we built cities out of scar tissue and left them to rot

i think about you all the time.

even when i'm asleep, i dream about your
fingerprints
and the way you snore,

and i have sad dreams where you tell me
that the sun rises & sets for us,
that western cities call to us,
and that june draws near.

but i wake up and cry without knowing why.

i think about you when i'm at work,
and when i'm on the train,
and when i'm watching racing droplets on the taxi cab window,
pretending we're the droplet that's going to make it to the edge.

and i think about you when i'm ordering coffee.
you like drinking it black because you think it makes you seem cool, and i tell you that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard - "you're basically drinking hot bean water then!" -
as i pour cream and sugar into mine, i glance up to see you smirking at me, lovingly.
nobody does that to me anymore, especially not when disagreeing.

i think about you when i'm washing my hair,
and when i stand in front of the closet,
and try to find a shirt i haven't yet worn with you.
it's a pointless exercise; they all have your scent on them.

i think about you when i'm making dinner,
and sometimes, it just hits me out of nowhere.
that i'm here, and you're there,
and my hands shake so much i have to put the dishes down.

it would probably be easier to not think of you at all,
to not be so familiar with how your fingers feel on my hips,
to forget the way you brush my hair every night before bed.

but i find myself deciding that i would rather know those things
and be in pain from the knowledge of your existence apart from me,
than to not know you at all.

I don't think anyone
Truly realizes how hard
A long distance relationship is;
At least, not until
They're in one.

I feel so disconnected
Trying to reach out to my closest friends
is now a multi-step chore.
And I hope for them, I haven't become a bore.
I hope these cables and signals keep us from drifting apart
because if that ever happened, it'd break my heart
to know that you don't want me around.
It feels like you wouldn't care if I were laying in the ground.
All I ask is how you've been
But all I get in return is that you're nowhere to be seen
anywhere on my feeds,
on my dashboards, no texts to read.
If you don't want to hear from me, that's your choice.
I mean... I guess this distance does damper my voice...
I feel so disconnected.
Maybe this time I've gone in under my head.

we used to sound like
impatient hands
and
sweat stained sheets
now all I hear
are forgotten promises
and
dropped calls

I get it now.
I finally understand what you meant when you told me you loved me the same... Just less.

You compartmentalised our love; it became a box you would open and indulge in while my touch still reminded you of it's power.
You would crack the lid and let it's light pour over you, let it seep into the deepest cracks of your soul and mend them.

Validate you.

But then my fingertips left your skin to trace the lines of this earth and feel the salt of an ocean continents away.
You have forgotten how my love moved mountains for you.
So now I will lose myself in your letters and bask in our memories with a smile, thanking you for our time together.

You will forever be the boy who taught me how to love completely and recklessly before I knew the pain of heartbreak, and I will always love you the same... Just less.

Sure I'll try to find the nearest exit
No blinking definitive red and green signs
No airplane marshals
To give us the big hint
Of if everything is right again
hoping the night is capable
of falling in love
with the same ******* alphabet
and this is it
My soulmate standing in the midst of an empty doorway
Eminent impending death two steps behind her
Take my hands with you
Take my appetite
because it's been 5:44 my whole life
and I'd trade the ground beneath my feet
For whatever it is that you've saved beneath the sole of your tongue
I just want to love something unfathomable again
I want to stand on the brink of one million feet in the air
Asking if I'm high as hell or if hell is just this high
As I trip face first
Into a great gaping puddle of electric blue pulses
at the tip of my fingers,
Now is a good time to end it
now that we can look now in the eye
And call it then.

So, next week, I lose a limb.
I have it marked on my calendar in neat, purple letters.
Humans, unlike starfish, spiders, or Dr. Curt Connors, cannot regrow limbs.
They can be amputated or removed surgically to prevent disease,
But this is different.

You see, this Friday, when I lose my limb, I won't get a replacement limb.
And the disease, if you can call it a disease, well,
As far as I can see, it'll spread faster than ever.

Have you ever loved someone so much that they become a part of you?

First of all, it's very unhealthy.

Second of all, it's the most wonderful feeling in the world.

Well, if you've ever felt this way toward someone else, it's safe to say that someday, you will start to think of them as an actual part of you- like your other half.

The more time you spend with them, the more you'll read their expressions, pick up on the nuances of their speech and expression, the more you'll open up to them and sync up to their moods and habits-

It's frightfully parasitic.

And when they leave, it's like losing a part of yourself-
After all, you've put so much into each other,
So much that you'll never get back.

I'm in love, and it's beautiful and terrifying.

My love is a part of me that's getting ripped off this Friday.

You see, he's moving three hours away.

He's a year older, and he's going to college.
I'm more scared than he is about it.

Luckily, we're only separated by physical distance.
But honestly- you know that gag in movies where the villains tie the protagonist limb by limb to four horses and send the horses galloping off in four different directions?

That.
It feels like that.

This Friday, I'm losing a limb- for now,
I'm losing him.

So, soon, I'll have to learn to live as just one part of a whole.

That is, until Thanksgiving break...