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Elena Jun 3
wires in my head
acid runs through my veins
my body moves by thread
thy got me
they got me
they got me
now i am like the rest of them
lonely marionette
Elena Jun 2
You don't want me
When I am happy
You don't want me
When I am sad
You only call me
When you need
Your sick pleasure
You only call me
When your loneliness
Eats you up inside out
newborn May 31
on the water
i feel so alone
no friends
no shoulders to lean on
why did i ever think i was special?


my heart aches to be loved
or just noticed.
loneliness is so alone.
the aching of my heart to be held and cherished.
on the water, the ripples beckon me
must be sweet to be with someone just like you
every bubble combined to make a better system.
i want to combine with you
and be who you’ve always wanted me to be.
i’ll never steal the show,
i’ll never be the girl who belongs
i want to dance; i really do,
but my feet will not pick up or stomp or walk or move.
i only wanted to be soft in your hands
so you could mold me in any way you desire.
and i would comply
because who wouldn’t when they realized that they are so difficult to love.
i wanted to be easy.
easy to understand,
easy to speak with,
easy to love:
that is all i’ve ever wanted to be.
not even a “yours”
just someone worthwhile enough.
the water is beautiful this time of evening
i’m wasting it.
i waste my life
and my youth
and the love i get.
i waste it all,
but i’m so terrified.
so terrified of being alone
it keeps me awake at night.
and then i dream of you
and it’s all better because you patch up my wounds
and you leave my bones just as they are.
i dream of you
and that’s so enormously stupid of me.
i’m ashamed for loving you the way that i do,
but it’s just so simple to.
i’m weak and i’ll never be good enough
but please don’t leave me like this:
completely alone
and wasting my own life
being so scared of everything.
i loved you and i never told you.
i’m so alone;
i couldn’t even convince myself to change that
by allowing you in.
i am a terrible friend. all i ever wanted to be was accepted and loved and actually wanted. and i was and i ruined it. i want to lay in water and wash away.

written yesterday
published: 5/30/24
newborn May 30
i pray i will be able to love those who i am afraid of loving
for fear of seeming too sensitive.
i pray i will be able to pick up the phone for someone who really appreciates my time
because he will not hurt you.
i pray i will be able to confess my emotions
not cowering behind a facade.
i pray i will be able to love you
and i pray that i will not push you away.


—he will not hurt you. you will only hurt him.
wrote this yesterday after senior banquet. high school *****, man. even if someone comes along and is so nice to you, it still *****.
this isn’t really a poem either more like me just getting out my emotions.

written yesterday
published: 5/30/24
Heather May 28
How many chances at love will I get
Before I’m too bitter
Like an overripe apple
No longer sweet and crisp
Peel back the scales
the blackened bits
the blistered redness
the purple putrid scabs
inside are paper thin cuts
unhealed
20 Words on trauma
RC May 10
I sometimes wonder what it's like to have real friends
and I realize the reason I don't think I have them
is because I'm not one
I'm selfish
and I don't want to know what you're going through
because I'm going through enough
and if I care I care too much
so I'm absent
and I'm convinced that one day
I will be able to fill my cup
so I can healthily pour over
but until then I am not a friend.
Keara Marie May 9
Love is strong. You are mauled and you come crawling back. You are frozen, and yet still you seek heat from the same wrong source. There is no partial reinforcement to explain this behavior. There is only the dark side of touch, the reality of primate relationships, which is that they can **** us while they hold us. But, the beauty is, we are creatures of great faith. We will build bridges, against all odds we will build them. From here to there. From me to you.
frankie Apr 22
Unceremoniously,
birds and frogs and men
begin their songs

and I decide it better not to join them.

For all the wealth and health
and warmth and rigor
as the restless tide --
waiting for silence --
breathes and descends

timid,
restless,
afraid and alone

rusted metal of apathy
and the forlorn sound of laughter very,
very far away

across the hall
wheat grows;
up the stairs
is moonlight,

and in one room,
birds and frogs and men
sing their songs

when the ground calms
and ground returns underfoot
and the fires are out

the wheat and the moonlight
and the birds and frogs and men
will be farther away yet

but in the throes of desperation
for far-flung mountains and sleep
and crayfish in the river
and hands in someone else's hair

no songs will be sung.

in my heart's aching survival lurch --
mad, hysterical stampede as it is--
the wind will blow again
toward fantasies and imaginations,
sunlight and clouds
waves' cold whispers and the wisdom of stars

but descend,
descend,
descend

what's done is not gone,
and those echoes from away in time
stampede themselves

surviving themselves
on tantrums
stubborn drama
impatience's reward

because above the wheat and moonlight
is a burden of love and company unwanted
and my heart breaks
for the birds and frogs and men
who have since stopped singing

and that I decided it better not to join them.
oh boy another entry in the "(thing) and (thing)" naming convention i do for some reason. i very rarely write in the first person; i tend to save it for the more vulnerable pieces, and in that sense i think it was appropriate here. this one felt more like a journal entry. coming off of a long writing hiatus so this one's a lil rusty, but i like how it turned out regardless
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