I remember everything so clearly
I remember when the sun was shining to your face and you looked down at me and told me that I'm beautiful

I remember the feeling I felt after our first kiss
I remember when you told me you want me in your life forever
I remember the look on your face the first time you told me you love me

I remember feeling safe whenever you wrapped me around your arms
I remember touching your hair, your skin, your lips
I remember me kneading your veiny hands

I remember us feeling empty when we're not together
I remember us missing each other's lips even right after we kissed
I remember us naming our future kids

I remember you ignoring me
I remember you throwing everything we had
I remember you not remembering me

I never understood
How anyone could not see the sadness
In you
You smiled
Like being alive was a burden
You danced
Like you wanted to forget the world
You laughed
So beautifully
But it happened so rarely
I wonder
Could I help ease the pain
Of living alone?

Like the night, pale and wan
Like the cold, bitter and wary
I see you- I saw nothing but you.
No more than an ashen memory.
This is where I stand.
From here you are no more than yesterday.
You are no more.
I see you, I saw nothing but you.
No more than a speck which made me cry.
This is where we end.
From now on you are no more than what my heart can recall.
You are no more.

i pray that today
you will read my words and concern

i will write happy, i will mostly write sad

we both know there is a dark spot in my mind
surrounded by the light you have created

but you are the reason for my happy words

and the inspiration for my sad
because you are that contrast

-

i pray that tomorrow
you will read my words and smile

i will write happy, i will write sad

we both know there is a dark spot in my mind
surrounded by the light you have created

but you are the reason for my happy words

and the inspiration for my sad
because you are that contrast

-

i pray that next month
you will read my words and be proud

i will write happy, i will write sad

we both know there is a dark spot in my mind
shrinking into the light you have created

but you are still the reason for my happy words

and the inspiration for my sad
because you are that contrast

-

i pray that in a couple years
you will read my words and reminisce

i will write happy, i will write sad

we both know there was a dark spot in my mind
emerged by the light you created

you are the reason for my happy words

and still the inspiration for my sad
because you are that contrast

-

i pray that in the future
you will still read my words

what would i write, what would i write?

we both know there was once a dark spot in my mind
unsure if that has endured
tripled in size
or simply non-existent
perished by the light you have created
or the light you have substituted for dullness

will you be the reason for my happy words?
if any remain?

or have you truly inspired my sad
because you went from black and white
to simply black

-

i pray that you would not continue to read my words...
...out of pity

i would write sad, i would write sad

we both know my mind would be dark
pitch black
a lack of light

i would have run out of happy words

because there would be nothing but sad
filling the empty holes
you have dug with your absence

everything is black

The bats swoop past
With clandestine chirps
Telling me to go to bed

But how can I
When thoughts of you
Rob me of sleep

Every breath of smoke
I exhale
Is the seed of a poem

And the half-lidded eye of the moon
Spurs the crickets on
Singing of our union

The humid air
Pregnant with revelation
Stagnant with constipated exultation

Suffocates with muted indifference
And the words well up
As the night drags on

Summer is the season where I'm all up in my feelings.
I start missing people I shouldn't miss,
wanting things I shouldn't want.
Praying that we cross paths even though I know that's a bad idea, but I'm still optimistic.

And why am I feeling like this anyway? 19 years old waiting on imagery, believing in fantasies. And these emotions are real and raw. These emotions cut deep and no knife can create a deeper wound.

I'm telling you my mind is a dangerous place. I don't like to be alone. I am my own personal killer. I don't need no additionally help, I pull my own trigger and it's sickening to know that I can do this to myself. And it's sad to know that I can't save me from myself.

How can summer be so cold? How can summer steal my inner glow? Even my skin has lost its radiance. ****, I wonder how's the winter going to be.

I don't know why I get so down and I
don't know why I keep getting
trapped
I don't know why I can't stay up and I
don't know why I can't stop thinking
of raising
a cup or a glass of something strong
enough to influence me
something to get me high or just
enough to quit the suppressing
choking me back with these thoughts
I can't get rid of
it doesn't take much these days
to get me
down, down, down
lately all I know is my head just spins a-
round, round, round
nothing much to focus on to keep me
from drowning
I don't know what I'm doing but clearly
I'm frowning

Every time I zoned out of  reality, I started to overthink. It was just a bunch on nonsense and profanity going through my head. But, I felt as if it was important to keep thinking about those thoughts because no one else really seemed to think about them too much. If I thought too much, however, I felt depression harmonizing with my veins and intoxicating me slowly.

And it was a ****** feeling.

I've also come to realize that most of these ****** feelings have no original beginnings, they just create themselves. And oh how ineffable it feels. To feel so much -- too many -- and not have a single answer to these nefarious emotions.