I know how many stories is tall enough
I know how much Windex I have to drink
I know long I have to be alone in order to hang myself
I know where to cut
I know how many pills I have to swallow

So you ask how come I keep trying and keep failing
Listen you have no idea how ****** windex tastes
Listen I can't get to the roof of the buildings
Listen All the pills are in a safe
I do everything wrong
I can't even die correctly

But I don’t want to **** myself anyway  
My uncle shot himself
And I watched my grandmother lose a son
I watched my dad lose his best friend
I have seen what it does to people and
I have felt that feeling

I don’t want to **** myself
I just want to be in a coma

Life was perfect- nothing to worry about
Enjoying everday, every minute, not and second
Never worrying about anything bad happening

But then, one day, things took a drastic turn
I'm now on the verge of ending my life
Nothing makes sense anymore, nothing matters anymore

The only thing that's stoping me is that:
I'll be hurting those around me, those who love me and everyone around me will be affected in some way

I can't do this to my best friend, she is everything to me
Without her, I'm nothing
I now found reasons to not **** myself

And I learned that life is going to be more painful death

But I just have to live through it
And one day, all will be different- a good different

Poems don’t always rhyme,
This ones a fine example,
For some are more a story then poetry
And that’s what this has become
A story
Or more
An observation
From me
See
I know this great guy
I have these great friends
I think I’ve found my identity
The world is starting to make a little bit of sense
My life was at a low point
The lowest of lows
And depression became my friend
More of an ally then actual allies
But now
My life is getting better
My family is still broken
But I’m learning to accept that
And move past it
I’m learning how to get through life
And I’m happy
I’m happy
Most of the time
I’m happy
Some of the time
No
I’m not happy
I could be
I should be
Once in a while
I am
When I’m with him
I smile
For the most part
I feel whole
And yet
As we stood up on top of that
Tall, steep, rocky hill
As I held his hand
As he looked at me
As he told me he kept thinking about me
All I could think about
Was how badly I wanted to jump
It’s not over yet
It’s never

the fight to want to be alive

Will never end
Some poems rhyme
But some are just stories
When will mine end?

I will be good for a while
I won’t cut as often
I won’t want to **** myself every day
I will actually see the other side of the tunnel

But then
Something ticks inside me
I’m reminded that I’m not normal
I remember that I’m a depressed ******

And my arm becomes full of cuts
My head becomes clouded with suicidal thoughts
And one day
When I tick
It will be enough
To push me over the edge

If it doesn’t **** you,
You’ll wish it did.
And that’s the sad reality.

Blood drips down your arm;
There will be a permanent scar,
If it doesn’t **** you.

You lost the will to live;
You have no more passion
And that’s the sad reality.

You use it to numb the pain;
It makes you feel better,
If it doesn’t **** you.

They made you feel like ****;
They drew you to it,
And that’s the sad reality.

You’re addicted to the feeling on your skin.
You’ll use it every day
If it doesn’t **** you,
And that’s the sad reality.

I want people to know I'm suicidal.
I don't want to talk about it. I don't want people to tell me it gets better or to get over it.
I just want people to know because maybe taking that weight off my chest will finally allow me to breathe a little. Maybe people will be kinder.
I want people to know I'm suicidal because I want to be honest.
I want people to know that when I wake up tomorrow, I barely survived yesterday.
I want everyone to know that I want to **** myself because when I finally do, I don't want people to think that I was happy, that I had a good life.
I want people to see the deep ugly **** I push down each day, the thoughts that literally eat me alive and push me to the edge.
I want people to know that when I'm in the bathtub I hold myself under until  all my air runs out.
I want people to know when I'm opening cardboard boxes at work with the box cutter I think about sliding it down my wrists.
I want people to know when I get in my car and the road goes two ways or into the lake I want to choose the lake.
I want people to know when I go to sleep at night I resist the urge to down all the pills in my house.
I want people to know that I want to break my mirrors and slit my throat with the shards.
I want people to know I'm suicidal.
And it's ******* killing me.

they loved me
when i
tried to
(**** myself)
they loved me
when i
was calling
(from the hospital)
they loved me
when i
finally was
(released and back home)
they loved me
when i
i lied
(that i was better)

BOY #1
his eyes were as blue
as the deepest sea
his touch
exciting
his voice
as beautiful as Beethoven's symphony 5
the things he said could make any girl
believe that he loved them
only thing is
he didn't give a ******* ****
about me

BOY #2
his hair was as puffy and soft
as a baby bunny's fur
his words touched me in ways
only hands should be able to
his lips fixed wounds I thought
only doctors can fix
a moment with him was never dull
the stories he told me made
me want him more
"i had to jump the wooden gate
the cops were after me"
I couldn't help but smile
I gave you me
and you gave me you
but did you give yourself
to me like how I gave myself
to you

BOY #3
the height of Mt Rushmore
the style of Skateboarder's new model
your jokes were funny
but the way you treated me
after you got what you wanted wasn't
we laid in your bed and you held my hand
I rested my head on your shoulders
I trusted you
but I wasn't anything important to you

BOY #4
skin
dark as night
innocence
like a child
you were different
I wasn't attracted to you
but you liked me
so I let you give yourself to me
and before I knew it
you told your mama I was "a mistake"
we were the talk of the school

BOY #5
his hair was as puffy and soft
as a baby bunny's fur
his words touched me in ways
only hands should be able to
his lips fixed wounds
I thought only doctors can fix
and by now you would assume I
would've learned already
but this boy like no other
this boy excites me
I cant help but want his attention
****** allure maybe
whatever it is
I need him

(not done)