I have an intensly difficult time opening up to anyone. I have been burned so many times, yes, but this isn't about that.

It's about the way you will look at me when I tell you how my mood swings from happily eating ice cream for dinner to throwing out all the food in my house because I should stop eating forever.

It's about the things you will say when I tell you I want to drive my car off a bridge the day after we had a grand time at happy hour.

It's about the energy I will feel when I explain why I don't let myself get too happy anymore because I am afraid that will be it for me - the best memory I will ever have.

It's about the people you will call and the places you will put me when I finally say how I feel about my life and my desire for it to end.

It's all about what I know will happen.

This is why I stay quiet and I cry alone in my bed. This is why I put a smile on each day and break down as soon as I step through my front door. This is why I will never tell you how I feel because I know the moment I do, life will never be the same for us again.

In all reality, everything I do is to protect the ones I love. I stay alive because I couldn't bear to put anyone through the hassle of dealing with my dead body. I keep quiet because I can't burden you with my words. I cover it all up, keep it shoved down deep because I will never open up this storm of emotion to a person who lives life in such an unapologetically perfect way.

I am here because of you. I am still breathing because of you. But I am still hoping that one day, unprompted, you give me permission to leave. THAT is when I will breath a sigh of relief.


-t.s.

The world around me is revolving slowly
While the people surrounding move faster & faster
As I am caught in between the fibers of time

Why am I here?
Do I even belong?

My only therapy is the songs I hear in my head
My only medication is the drugs that make me wish I were dead

I'm just a shell of my former self.
I'm not what I used to be.

It seems there's no resolution,
only an empty cell waiting for me in this institution.

Dear diary, please help me now.

There's only so much abuse I can inflict upon myself.

The cuts on my wrist, the empty bottle of pills
The lacerations on my fist, shaking from the anger still.

I've got my fix, each line getting me higher
The only answer getting clearer, as my lows keep climbing to the ladder.

My sanity escaping.
Depression creeping
As the ghost of death takes over me.

Oh diary, it seems it's goodbye to you and me.
It seems no matter what I do, the world isn't going to accept me.

I'll never belong.

I'll always be different.

Goodbye and goodnight.

I'll see you on the other side.

----------------------------

Dear diary, I'm an addict.

Yesterday was proof of concept.

Tomorrow is a death wish.

If I don't do something now,
I may never get to see the light of day.

Dear diary, please help me now.

Because I can't do this alone anymore.

Fate is another lie
Dominated by old powers
Do,die or deny
It's your world not mine.

Freedom to the grave
No filters can be over
Lens is clear and say
Do not tell me how to behave.

Lock and load
shoot and unwind
the ache is gone
so far behind,
Complete, explode
It's what the hell,
As life erodes,
the bullets tell.

Security a ******* tale,
Normal life with normal norms
Until we're all for sale,
Until the world falls pray,

Violent til the end
No limits or laws or defense
No need to repent
Absolute catharsis began.

Red light go
drive over them
the ache is gone,
next stop deliverance,
Complete, explode,
No lie can show,
What you call-
your innocence,

Just die,
JUST DIE,
JUST DIE!!!!

Mixin' up these potions, entering the snake bite into my veins.
Playing you like a puppet as I unleash the venom.
Tell me how it tastes...
Lick it, **** it.
Voodoo dolls playing games at your feet and controlling you like you have nothing to hold onto.
I'll have you, and own you.
I'll be your worst nightmare.
Feel my pain, tormenting you.
Infect you, I'll kiss you, I'll **** you.
Consume me, consume me, consume me.
Bite my venom into you neck as you howl in pain.
Like a frost bite, ice cold as the teeth sinks in.
Worship me, your dark goddess.
Voodoo.
Pinching needles through your chest and laughing at your cries.
Aching, the pain throbs.
The pain you made me feel, back onto you.
She cheated you, the next one died.
Who's doing was that?
Karma?
Step on the glass, staple your tongue.
Cries become mere whispers malevolent to your despair.
Eating cotton candy as your heart begins to tear.
Apart.
I wanna, end you.
Why arn't you scared of me?