locked up in my head
where can I find the keys ?
they're right there in my hands
why can't I set myself free
its funny how uncomfortable you can be
in your own skin but you aren't able to breathe
they tell you to come out
but laugh the way you do
short skirts
modest is what must be
covered up
"why are you wearing that, it's hundred degrees"

in fear i'm never good enough
diseased to people please
but when the trip comes I know you'll be with her
I'll be in the corner as your photographer
final results done differently. anxiously?
honestly what is the difference always drowning in the ocean of doubt.
anxiety attack, waking me
will I make it in this light?
built my walls, carved them the moment of epiphany
I wish I'm you while wearing heels
head held high, voice steady
look closely, voice steady with trembling hands
I'll be her another day
for now I'll be the anxious lily with that dream
the more it remains a fantasy the easier it seems
step by step I'll get there someday wearing my flats

By Zoulaikha

I am here,
With all my ears,
To hear,
about all your fears
So dear,
Call me and I will be near..
Whether it be tears
Or stories full of cheers..
Wondering whether Earth is a sphere?
Or your obsession with that "Disney Deer."
Insecurities about how you appear
Or what's gonna happen this year?
All your doubts, I will clear,
I will be here,
With all my ears,
To hear,
about all your fears...

You watch time pass by
Seeing your friends getting married, having kids, and owning homes
While you sit in your childhood room cheering them on
As you envy them because you want to be there.

You look around at your childhood room trying to make it feel more you
All you are doing is avoiding the issue at
But you're scared
Scared of stepping out into the world.

You try changing your style from the emo phase to the boho kings/queens
Spending all your money to see what calls your name the most
Questioning everything you wear
You cry looking at the little white dress you're wearing
Wishing it was the dress that was saying the words 'I Do.'

Hoping that the feeling of insecurities leave your body
It doesn't
Not until you are ready to step out into the world
Until then you cry while you wear a little white dress.

I don’t know most things
Having been infected by a virus called ignorance
From the very moment I came into existence
Wreaking havoc on my direct surroundings
Borrowing the names of family, friends, acquaintances
Fellow contenders for defeating the exact same disease

Too often transitory symptoms manifest themselves
Reminding me I’m not cured, and probably never will be
Despite these books accumulating on those familiar shelves
Obvious solution to our shared tragedy
Namely, being aware of our known unknowns
And unbothered by the gaping hole formed by our unknown unknowns
Sparing our master contraption practicing under the alias “black box”
From debilitating pains, the need for detox

Depicting a situation that appears as gloomy
I realize there are still reasons to be happy
One is that my evident individual ignorance
Actually, vanishes into our collective knowledge
That modestly admitting my shortcomings acts as penance
Granting me what could be considered as a privilege

As I, as we, may and should always learn
Allowing our innate curiosity to indefinitely churn
Helping us endlessly push the bounds of technology
Making ancient dreams a reality
Past miracles a present triviality
Former impossibles a current maybe.

i hated my body
but today i realized
that hate was never emerged
from my heart
it was the insecurity of others
they sprinkled it like salt on me
to feel superior
and what a stupid soul i was
just to fit in small size
i hated my curves
like i wasn't meant to be pretty
as the standards were to small
for my double XL size

you tell me
I am a flipper,
no I am not,
if I am loved right
I am a keeper.

It may seem silly to believe
you can do anything
when someone's always been there
to tell you you can't.
It may seem foolish to believe in yourself
when it doesn't seem like anyone
believes in you.
It may seem cruel to let yourself believe
you can escape
or be more than your insecurities or mistakes. That you are more.
And, while it may seem impossible to save yourself,
while it may seem like it's too late,
stranger things have happened

the mirror plays favorites
she twiddles the beauty queen’s golden hair
she puckers up so lipstick can be placed on her full lips
her hair the perfect length to play with
not dry, but smooth and so healthy

she picks the prom queen’s silky dress with dignity
it’s perfect for her malnourished body
it lays and sits so beautifully
the mirror sees her and appreciates the craft she created
grins, and puts silver and gold expensive earrings on her ears

but when i approach,
she turns her face in disgust
throws an outfit at me; ripped jeans and a tacky t-shirt
she says i’m too fat and that i should keep my legs far apart so people don’t notice how weird i look
she grimaces at me and i walk away bashfully
‘never letting her look at me again’
i say
but
i always come back for her critical opinion
and i accept it
that’s exactly what i am
not beautiful, a fat failure

i became skinny, but i still hated myself
i worked my **** off trying to “lose weight”
i was always skinny
what was i on?
i watched my slim figure in the mirror
and
cried
i was never good enough
i still don’t think i am
no—
i will never be enough
cause i think i’m ugly despite one or two people calling me pretty
my clothes don’t fit and i panic
i told my friend i needed to lose weight
and she said i was super skinny
i don’t know why
it shocked me
cause the body dysmorphia is vicious
and she is my biggest bully
my legs are muscular
i walk all day, run at night
i swear
i’m not lying about that
yes
i pace around my room
cause apparently that’ll shed pounds
heck, i’m one hundred and twenty pounds
yes—
i said it
it’s mostly muscle
but i think i’m fat
perhaps, i haven’t thought about my weight or my legs for a long while
but yesterday i saw my stomach in the mirror
and i can’t stop thinking about that
i’m gonna start doing ab exercises
so i can be toned
and i know i’ll be happy
by those results
i’m still ugly though
i am so sorry for the self deprivation
but it’s come the time when i accept that i will never be beautiful
and i don’t know
perhaps that’s perfectly valid

Time will come
Time will go
There will be a time
You won't know which way to go.
You'll wonder if there's a way up
You'll wonder if there's a way out
At times, you'll be overwhelmed
And find your head filled with doubts.
"Am I enough?"
"Do I look good?"
"Am I worthy of love?"
"Am I misunderstood?"
But if there's one thing
We have in common,
It's that we all have time.
So, don't worry. Take your time,
and it will all turn out fine