the perfect ideal body image is no where near what I look like. I haven’t really met any guy yet who has referred to my body as beautiful, and you know that’s ok. even though dimples run around my thighs, even though I am marked with lines of strain and streams of growth, it’s ok. I am trying to convince myself that this body I am living in is a beautiful temple; one not to be hated or tortured. a temple to be carefully treated with love and grace. I am trying to convince myself that maybe he fell for what stood out the most. not my body or my outer skin of health, but me, myself, and I. what I stand for, who I care for, how I speak and approach, the way I laugh at a pointless joke that was told an hour before, how I choose pineapples over peaches, or maybe even how I choose simple small talk over a high energy activity. maybe to someone, my body is just perfect, because the other components mean so much more than what is bluntly visible.

                         (j.a.r.)

Yowling, thrashing, squeezing me whole,
She's slashing onyx crevices, my soul,
Begging out, pleading forgiveness
But I won't give in, I just press
Down, fight now, hate this,
This thing, this misfit,
Crippled defect, this won't sit
By me, won't defy me,
Rip my nails down crusty
Skin, she feels sick, I feel quick,
I dig deep and can't keep
From hissing, it's ******* me off!
She cries but it makes me scoff.
You pretty little folded bird,
I'll smear you like a ******* ****.
I hate you, I hate me,
So help me, I can't see,
I can't bleed,
I won't heed
Your cruel trick,
You foul ****!
Despise me!
I hate me!
I hate me!
I can't
See
I
Can't
Breathe...

What am I?
Who am I?
Am I the bird flying or the mossy floor below?
Questions to be answered yet left behind
Feeling lost in the sea of unknown
These thoughts, emotions I'm at a lose
Am I questioning too much?
Thinking alittle too much?
Trapped in my world of wanting more yet receiving less than desired
My mind seeming empty yet full as I look out unto the sea chaos in this place
My wandering soul slowly fading, my words in the emptiness of obscurity
Blurring my reality with questions I can not answer
Am I here or there?
Am I a ghost unseen or simply barely living?
These thoughts, feelings
Calling out from the dark waiting to be  heard

What if why our hearts beat is because
it's our inner self pounding on the walls of thier cage

there's a voice inside my head
that's screaming
raging for its death.
it's thrashing against the walls
clawing at the linings of the cage.

get it out

get it out

please get it out.

for i fear
it's going to be the death of me.
spreading from my head
to my body
like a poison
but one i can't seem to resist.