silence, my heart beats too fast for acting normal
blank stares, you catch me reliving the same daydream
where i confess and you feel the same
but, every time i wake up

i missed the part where you said you loved me
or did you even say anything?
i guess it's all in my head
why would you love me when you could love her instead?

I have been having a lot of dreams lately
about running away from something

but also heading towards somewhere at the same time,
in every dream there is a destination that I never make it to,
before I wake up
&
maybe that is my subconscious way of telling myself I am looking for something, wanting something, that is unattainable right now,
that all the running I’m doing is clearly a waste of time
and maybe if I stopped trying to get somewhere for a second,
I’d have time to see where I already am

I squander my time
I wander and wind between the pillars of despair in my mind
crawling my way through mazes made by “Phases” in my mind
trying my best to find out what it means to be normal.
I hear that storm calling out all the time
thunderclouds battering my mind
the darkness that rolls in on all sides.
My smiles come and go with the tides
betting my life on rolls of a dice.

Who is it that deicides that I have to feel this way?
Who is it that decides the worth of my life?
who is it that decides I should feel this pain, or behave astray or be taken away
from my mum: when I was young.
I don’t have the power to be okay,
I don’t have the power to end my days
or let go of my pain.

why can’t I be like them?
why can’t I think about cars and tv?
why do I think of stars and poetry,
or the feel of wet grass beneath my feet?

I say I want to start over
Yet cannot let go of the past
If I cannot put your mistakes behind me
How do I expect this to last?
Even before my trust issues
Got so bad they couldn't be repaired
It was still a little bumpy
Because your sincerity was never there
Yeah you spent your days with me
When no one else could stand being around
But you never shared your secrets with me
Your thoughts barely made a sound
I knew deep down you were up to something
Always hiding things behind my back
And as time passed I began to wonder
What it was that I seemed to lack
Why can't I be enough for you?
Why do you always need more?
I wasn't good enough for you back then
I am now a far colder person than before
But my heart still feels that flicker
Of heat each time fingers brush
That's what I tolerate this ******* for
That incredible breathtaking rush
So even though it's clear that I'm no good
For you and you're not good for me
It seems like we want different things out of life
But a future without you is so hard to see
You're my best friend and you understand
All the ups and downs I've been though
So despite the past mistakes between us
I'm still head over heels for you