as a child,
i didn't know
i was lonely
but now,
as a woman
sitting in a
quiet room,
i am reminded of
all the monsters
my mind created
to distract me
when i was
all alone

Do you ever feel like nothing will ever change?
The depression, the anxiety,
Your way of living?
Sometimes I feel like I am not where I should be at twenty-five,
I do not make enough, I do not do enough, and have nothing to show for twenty-five years.
Will I always be this sad?
Will I ever be proud of the woman I have become?
Or am I doomed to live like this forever?
Never truly happy with myself.

there are things im scared of
some insignificant
ladders
deep water
being lost
none stand a chance against
my biggest fear

growing up

but all my fears,
seem to have similar concepts
to growing up
ladders:
how far can i go?
before i come crashing down?
deep water:
how am i supposed to know whats to come?
until i arrive?
being lost:
what is growing up?
if not being lost?

I really hope that you understand how much I love you, because I love you SO much
You are currently chewing ends of my glasses, and I'm letting you
You are my literal sunshine, you always make me smile no matter how horribly depressed I am
You are 7 years and 3 months old; I know you're getting older
You're technically a "senior" cat now, and I am so grateful that you're here with me right now
Every day I beg god, the universe, any higher power, I beg that you're happy and healthy and that you'll stay that way into your 20s
I can't imagine my life without you
I know you can't read or fully comprehend human words, but I really really hope you feel how much I love you, in every pet, in all the scratchies, brushies, in every cuddle and kiss
I know I upset you when I trim your claws and paw fur, and when I take you to the vet, but I do it because I love you
It makes me endlessly sad and anxious that you're a big boy now; I know your joints will get tired, your fur will turn white at your snoot, you'll sleep more
I know that you growing older isn't something either of us can control, but I don't know what I would do without you
You have been there for me through the worst parts of my life up to now
I want you to be there with me during the best parts too
I want you to meet my spouse and my kids when I grow up (if I ever get married)
I pray that you'll be with me for at least 13 more years
I know one day your breath will get heavy and troubled, your joints will ache all the time, I know one day I'll have to do what's best for you in your old age; I know I'll have to hold you close, with tears running down my cheeks, and I'll tell you how much I love you, until your beautiful little heart stops beating and your little lungs give out
And I will sob hysterically, scream and curse god for taking my baby boy
But until then, hopefully far far far from now; I will make sure you're happy and healthy
You will always know that you're my baby; that you're my home
I love you, my fat little man

What if I finally woke up and decided to understand my life isn't a mistake...
Did I finally grow up?

Your birthday is soon
The air is ashen
Scented with burning leaves
I ride this shaking yellow chariot without you
Passing yellow-green crops and empty ditches
It’s rather lonely, really
You’ve finally gotten a car
Though you don’t like it all too well
It’s old and used
But there's no need to worry
It will take you where you need to go
Your birthday is soon
You’ll be an adult
If you could truly call eighteen years an adult
But I’m proud of you
You’ve grown so much
Even taller than me, now
Maybe someday, you’ll love yourself as much as I love you
I wish I could do the same for myself
Soon, it will be my birthday as well
I’ll be an adult
But you know I’m still a child
Small inside and immature
Thinking about the childhood ripped away from you
Of laughter and joyous grins
The large hands of a father that gently grip little fingers
The one we both deserved
Your birthday is soon
And we’re almost off to college
And though you don’t believe you have a future
I know you do
With your graphite-stained palms
You manifest entirely new worlds
I find it beautiful
And you take yourself for granted
Your birthday is soon
And as I write these words
This terrible jostling machine slows to a stop
Peeling my body from navy leather seats
I dig out my keys
I will head home
Just like I always have

To learn that you are human is to break apart.
I am a scatter

             f
                   r                 i
       a                                n                         w
                 g                                                      i
   m                                               t                      n
                         e                       h                             d
              n                                        e
  t
                             s

You storm through me
                                                               the dust does not settle
I will never know myself again.

His hand twisted the two wires,
          and the engine wondrously fired.

I yelled and cried when I broke my arm
          he easily wrapped it without alarm.

Sorry son, I can’t come to your game,
          the overtime list had my name.

Boy, there’s gonna be a delay,
          my big project is due today.

Your dad went out of town to speak,
          can’t play pitch and catch this week.

He picked up the phone and he heard me say:
          “Daddy, the cops wanna take me away.”

Tonight your dad’ll deposit his check
          then we can fix the car you wrecked.
                              ---------------
Thank you Daddy for all you’ve done
“Don’t thank me, your mama raised you, son.“

I regularly tear up with both sadness and joy
              seeing a daddy squatting, listening to his boy.

Father-son ties
mix long lows and splendid highs.
Yes, there are tears and yearning
for more than his earnings.
But now I see how my dad’s hand
protected and provided,
how he taught me to take a stand,
and showed me how to be a man.