Im not sure what im doing tonight I have far to much on my mind and nothings sounding right, really im just trying to sort through my thoughts all the while wondering if im really alright.  You see, I go back and forth about that, im good untill I get stuck in my head. My head can be a scary thing, filled with harsh veiws of myself and the world mixed with odd hellish dreams. I feel if I tried to explain my thoughts to some, I mean to really explain and try sort through it all, that they'd probably just laugh at me n say im crazy. And crazy as I may or may not be.. I lost my train of thought

i'm angry
i'm upset
inside me there is a fiery pit
i don't know why
i want to be happy
i want to unclench my fists
let go of the anger
stop being so ******
but it's harder than it sounds
to change your persona
i'm angry all the time
maybe i could try to calm down just for a moment
i'm angry at the girl that copies the same format of my poems and gets more likes
i'm angry at the fact that they abandoned me
i'm angry at the world
and it's hard for me
for me to let go of the anger
walk in my shoes for just one day
see how it feels to be mad and have a smug look on your face
i don't mean it intentionally it just comes out
and before i know it i just want to scream and shout
shout at the people for being happy and having a good time outside
shout at the people that are care free and have a better life
shout at all of the things that are better than me
because i'm just an angry person you see
an angry person that will never change
because i don't have the drive and i'm just strange
strange and odd and stupid and angry and mean
maybe some day i'll be clean
be clean of all of the anger and the stuff bottled up inside
what happened to me that made me this way?
that made no one want to stay by my side
i'll go to some anger management
maybe they'll help me and fix me
and help me understand
understand why I am the way that I am

My mind begins to race
And i struggle to keep up with the chase
My imagination runs wild
But honestly im really tierd
Why cant my mind let me rest
Maybe it feels I need to process and digest
But you see, id have to disagree
Because I dont want to think about climbing a tree
Why cant my mind let me be
Id really like it right now if I were asleep

I don't do it for pleasure or
Frustration more, to those
******* I try to ignore, *****
About me behind my back
**** are you that bored.

**** if you wanted to know the
**** about me, the manure that
Goes though your mouth smells
Worse than your breath like you
**** that comes from orifice you
Call a mouth.

******* get a life, what ever makes
You happy ******* and leave me
Out your messed up life. That you
Choose to **** around with someone
Else's life, makes you a moaning
***** through out your life.

******* that should know better
Than to use that thing called a mouth,
******* get a life or I swear you'll
Hear worse than this come out my mouth.

How dare you do this to me?
Reopening the wound on my heart
That you had made there and
That I had to mend on my own

How dare you give me these careless words?
That make me feel so conflicted
That make me ache
That make me loose my sanity

How dare you force this door open?
When I thought I locked it down?

How dare you do this to me?
When I thought I was over you.

nights like these
when you recoil from my touch
revulsion scored deep
excuse dog-eared primed ready to go
at page 53

I fear  

that I will never again enjoy
the needful tender embrace
of a woman while I am sill able
to offer back anything less than chaste

and in some lugubrious future
if taken to task about some
or other transgression past
your accusatory “why?” requires one simple reply
“do you really need to ask?”

Jealousy has slithered up to me.
Grasping my neck as I struggle to be free.
It has graps of my heart with  the bite of poison,
Which puts anger and frustration there.
I can't breath and everything is dark.
Just like the way you talk about her.
Dark.
No I am not saying that I hate her
But because of her, I am dying by the power of jealousy.
Another bite,
Another sting,
I feel the deathly poison run in my viens.
It is so painful,
So fast.
I cry for help.
But no one, not even you can bring me back
From this awful poison of
Jealousy.

In the middle of the night
I am wide awake
Craving you
Wanting your love
Needing your love
I've been counting the days since you've been gone
My mind bubbling over with frantic thoughts
An itching under my skin I can't scratch
Sometimes the world seems to disappear
And I'll see you standing right in front of me
But then just as fast you are gone
Then I find myself in a completely different world again
Lying on the floor unable to pull myself up
Or even remember exactly where I am

                       Just one more touch....

                                                     ­                   Thats all I need...

Forgiveness is a wild beast
of an exotic land.
I know it. Its shape,
color, texture and
particulars of its habitat,
yet it means nothing in my
day to day; at least nothing that
impacts the path I walk
or world I touch.

It is as distant as a polar icecap
and about as much
help as a glass shard
beneath my bare feet.
This wild beast makes noises
perhaps sour perhaps sweet
to the ear
but I do not know
nor can I name them.
Daily I set out and go
stalking after it in
my bare feet and soul ache
unable yet to find it for myself
or others, I make
my ****** way along this
un-exotic, piercing path.

It is a way I cannot abandon
but I must laugh
at the folly of my purpose
for I have long since washed
the picture of this creature
clean and thoroughly sloshed
it remains in my mind.
I am left to blame the blood
and curse its trail tracking
ever after me in the mud.