I didn't have the energy to shine.
I didn't have the strength to put on my shining armour,
and I couldn't spend the evening smiling and laughing with you,
if overnight I'd be crying alone.

What are friends for, if not to help you through.
If they become nothing but a load,
are they even friends anymore?

I've been spending my whole life circling around this question.
Going through every excuse, trying to change and twist its truth.

But I no longer have the energy to lie,
I no longer can put on a smile and hope for the best.

Because I can't be others prince in shining armor,
while inside, I am still the frog,
and the princess to be saved.

ruins were all i was when they found me,
shattered, hollow, a ghost in my own skin.
yet they, gathered every broken piece,
cupped them in their hands like something sacred
and whispered, "you are still whole."
they did not walk away from my darkness,
but walked into it.
with lanterns in their chests,
lighting the way that blinded me.

they, did not fear the storm in my ribs.
instead, they stood
with arms open, voices steady,
teaching me that love does not destroy.
held me even when the mirror turned away,
and when the world unstitched me,
they, gathered the thread
and stitched light into my frayed edges.
they became gravity when i was weightless,
watching as i found my feet again.

family doesn’t stain with blood
but is inked in the hands that hold you
when you’ve forgotten how to stand.

You had one wrist wrapped in a medical band,
          two hurricanes in your eyes
          and dried blood on one hand.
I heard the hunters' horns blow
              the moment you walked in.
                     On your trail I--
                    --I know it ails you now.
I've got the first round.
You can rain on me 'til your guts
             start pouring out.
Outta night for those shaded eyes,
but too much time in the sunshine
makes folks like us go blind.

Raise the roads and the rivers of our region
                off the map
     like the texture of scars from your arms
                  to this taproom floor.

I'd like to be a beacon, if I'm not too bruised
                and be a guide back to harbor
          through your night stained black and blue.

                  if you want me to be...
                  then I want me to be...

My heart's a crooked hallway with bends and turns.
          December killed my candles
            and I cried a dead word.
You could hear me hitting walls
               and so you reached light in.
                         Illuminate me--
                       --show me to the way out.
You've got the next round
You can dance in this dive 'til your
            harmed heart's pouring out.
You chased the night from my clotted halls.
I saw you whirl in the bar light
you were answering some call.

Raise the blues and whiskey browns of our faces
            off the ground
      like the texture of a laugh
      between our tap room hearts.

Think you might be a beacon, but that's up to you.
               can you guide me to the exit
           through this night hued black and blue?

                if you wanted to be...
               then I'd want you to be...

I miss those days when we had those funny girl talks,
Gossip about everything and anything,
Laughed and judged every creature that came our way,
Talk about how rich we wanted to be,
Our goals and dreams,
And where we wanted to be.

Then life took a turn,
A sudden turn none of us expected,
You changed how my name was saved in your phone ,
From girlfriend with heart emoji to my bare surname,
When I saw that my heart broke into pieces,
It's funny how you act as if everything is okay.

You smile at me, walk with me, laugh with me,
Pretend as if everything is OK,
But you clearly know something is not right,
Or should I let bygones be bygones?

The memories we made are like precious gems,
Glistening in the sunlight of our minds,
Reminding me of all the joy we shared,
And all the love that we left behind.

So here's to those days and all the ones to come,
May we always find our way back to each other,
And keep the magic of our friendship alive forever.

and if one day
you decide to stop calling
i’ll still be leaving my phone
with the sound on
for the night

It’s hard watching something die,
And wither away.
Wondering if I could’ve changed,
Or was it fate?
But here we are,
Without the spark,
We once shared.
I’m letting out the guilt,
That I’ve built,
About a relationship that I can say,
Will never be repaired.

We used to click,
Now we don’t,
We used to talk,
Now we won’t.
I’d like to know where,
It all went wrong.
Was it me?
Was it you?
Was it going to happen all along?
If it was,
I wish,
I had been a better friend.
Then perhaps,
It would be,
A less painful end.

I start to question,
The foundation of our friendship,
If things broke apart so easily,
Without any indication.
Perhaps I misjudged the situation,
And ran off with unclear intentions,
I seem to do that best,
Unfortunately.

We’d known each other for years,
For it all to act like it was never there.
Did I make a mistake?
Did my expectations change?
Did I ruin everything?
Too afraid to ask,
So I’ll suffer in silence.

All of this confusion,
For something I don’t understand.
Some he said, she said, foolishness,
Was all that it took for our friendship to end?
And our friend group to shatter to pieces?
I thought we were close to each other,
That we care about one another,
I guess that was bitter delusion,
From a boy who was desperate for inclusion.

I never felt like I belonged,
We were always on,
Different wavelengths.
While you and the others would carry on,
I sat in silence,
Not knowing what to add,
Or what to say.
Questioning whether it would’ve mattered anyway.
I guess I was a fool.
I guess I shot myself in the foot,
So much that I can barely stand.
Never would I have dreamed,
That this was how things would end.

Was I too seclusive,
And too elusive?
Did I not listen enough?
Was I too much of a lonely punk?
Did I push you away?
Did I ruin everything?
Was I the reason things turned out this way,
Cause I changed?
Or was this preordained?
I know as we grow,
We change,
But why did it come so soon?
Last year we went to a movie,
A get-together I actually went to.
Yet, here I am now,
In the fallout,
Mourning what was broken down,
Surrounded by ashen-covered ground,
The smoke, all around.

Perhaps I’m just a fragile snowflake,
Lamenting on past mistakes,
That there’s no hope to change,
So why question it every day?
I can feel it fading,
And I know that I’m turning,
Into a stranger,
As the memories start growing hazier.
In ten years, I won’t remember your name,
And that’s what’s even stranger,
I thought we’d be friends for longer,
I guess that was wishful thinking.

Occasionally, we wave,
But we both know that’s not the same,
As the talks we’d have,
And the walks we walked together.
Now we’re both growing older,
As our chemistry starts reacting slower,
Till the entropy,
Fades into obscurity.
I wish I’d known sooner,
That things would turn out this way,
They’d be things I’d change.

So what’s left to say?
I’m standing at the graveside,
Crying and wondering,
What happened?
What madness,
Caused this?
I’ll put a bouquet,
On the grave,
And walk away,
As the days of our childhood fade.
Did I make the right choices?
Did I hurt you?
I’m sorry if I did,
I never meant to,
I just wanted to be your friend,
And I was for a time,
But that time’s passed,
Because nothing lasts.

I’m sorry,
And thank you,
For everything…