have i forgiven them, or do i just wish to be forgiven?

they all hurt me,
but i hope you get away from your brother,
and i hope your mom lets you speak other languages
and i hope you finally find that girl who makes you smile
and i hope your dad accepts that you're gay

even though you all hoped that i was dead.
but to be honest,
i hoped i was dead too.

You hurt me,
                     I forgive,
you hurt me,
                     I forgive,
you hurt me,
                     I forgive,
you hurt me,
                     .....

How come you left my mom?
Was she too sweet,
like the sugar she saturated your coffee in,
Or was she too kind,
letting you buy every
little boy play station game?
She warmed you like the sun,
penetrating your skin,
tanning your insides.
Was she too bright, beautiful,
mesmerizing?
How come when I see you, I still smile?
As my family curses your name, I smile.
When they tell me “He’s not a good father” , I defend.
their nostrils flare, but I
smile.

How come I forgave you so **** easy?
Maybe, so I can forgive myself,
for not being daddy’s little girl.
Not being able to gently step on your feet,
dance around the house.
For not being my sister, who has a father,
Enveloping her in wave after wave
of calm ocean love.

How come you haunt my dreams?
Voice calm, forgiving,
whispering: “I love you.”
“I’m so proud of you.”
“I miss you.”
soft whispers of broken promises echo

How come you stayed for him?
Was it because you knew
you could play baseball with him?
Or was it because when he turned 15,
you could teach him
how to pick up girls like dandelions?

How come boys break promises?
Not just boys, men.
Men like you,
Who tell 10-year old’s that
their present is on the way:
“It’s in transit.”
“It’s in the mail.”
“I just shipped it.”
“It should be there.”
“Happy Birthday Honey.”

How come I look for guys like you?
They say I’m “asking for it.”
Wanting to ****** up every simple, soft
smiling, cold
hearted, Uncomitting,
immature boy.
Maybe they’ll keep me
company
‘til you return.
You were my first definition
of a prince,
How charming.

How come I don’t trust anyone,
even that nice boy swaying silently to the song
that I adore, or that one who helps me
through dreadful chemistry lectures?

How come you text “I love you”?
When I’m alone, crying
over the latest breakup,
Submerging myself in heart wrenching
love songs,
Drowning in the comforting
lyrics. The soft ping of a text,
imitating conversation.
Your name
A heart emoji
I love you.

Your texts have become another promise.
I have begun to count down the days
until those words are murmurs
And three words become
zero.

How come, I still say “I love you too”?
How come you walked away before I could even walk?
How come my last name still follows me around like a brand?
How come you moved so ******* far away?
How come I believed you year after year,
Winter
Spring
Summer
Fall
Winter
Spring
Summer
Fall
Winter
Spring
Summer

Where are my presents,
Wrapped quickly in promises,
stamped “return to sender”

You have fed me lies my whole life.
I keep my emotions bottled up so you think I am okay.
I'm not.
I forgave you for what you did.
But that still does not mean I have forgotten.
Sketched in my brain like a map.
Untouched since that day.
I try and stay positive.
Being that happy go lucky kind of gal you "always" knew.
My friends do not know our secret.
That I have kept bottled up like a rocket ship.
Around you is when I remember, the hateful words you spat in my face.
So tell me one more time.
Do you love me?
Cause it sure as hell didn't seem like it.

Are the motivations of our heart,
in sync with The Word’s principles?
Do we recognize that we’re guilty
and forgiven… by our blessed Lord?
While some forces seem irresistible,

we know that the battle is not ours
and our responsibility is in the gap;
are we truly standing united in Faith,
meeting needs and praying, employing
The Word as our spiritual bootstrap?

We push forward, not permitting pasts
to hold us back and bind our hands;
the mission of His Kingdom continues,
we willingly celebrate our commitments
and help others to exit the wasteland  

of empty or destructive lifestyles.
When we’re humbled, we’re grateful
and thankful for His lasting goodness;
in His sacred wake, we’re left knowing…
that towards us, He’s always merciful.

You can forgive
You cannot forget.
And when you cannot forget,
You rethink, you remind yourself
How it hurt you.
How it betrayed you.
How it made you believe,
That everything was okay now.

Can you really forgive
That which you cannot forget?
That which you do not allow yourself to let go of?
When you say you have forgiven,
Whose conscience are you setting free?
Why do you forgive?
Why did you forgive?
When you are reminded of your own agony
Again and again, with the same person
Walking by everyday,
Spending each day with you
In the name of family, friendship, love, marriage,
How are YOU sure that you have forgiven
So as to not allow a new rise
To that which you have forgiven
And put aside?

What is it that convinces you
That you can forgive
That you have forgiven
That you can move on from?

What is it that assures you
That once you've forgiven,
YOU will be okay,
That you are ready to move forward,
That you know will not affect you anymore?