I reach my hands to touch you
in the worst parts
that you want
but i dont
but you do
but we dont
but we do-
the silence creeping in
just enough to rip my hands
onto you
and onto where you want them to,
heavy hands
heavy breaths
in and out,
tongue twisted between lips
and bad lies,
heart brokenness underneath blankets
and blankets of desire
piled on top of hormonic lusts-

I say that i'm sorry

i'm sorry that i don't love you enough to mean
i'm sorry
and to take away the heaviness
weighing down upon my lips
as they quiver and shake
because i regret getting in the car in the first place.

What have I done?
I took it too far
I'm just an idiot
Yeah just a ******* idiot

How can I live with myself?
It might not seem like a lot
But even the slightest pain I cause you
Is causing me to hate myself

I can't eat
I can't sleep
I can't think straight
Knowing that I've hurt you

I just want your warmth
Your love
Your everything
But I don't deserve one bit of it
Because of what I've done to you

I hope you're able to forgive me
I need you in my life
I promise I'll be a better person
If you accept my apologies

Yeah I'm just an idiot
A ******* idiot
Please forgive me
For what I've done to you

Please don't
Broken bits don't get to go home,
Shatterd skulls no longer yaw
Skin cut and flayed does not fall.
Mearly drips,
The essence of my life flows.
I am in less control of this.
Then a river controls its bends

I lay in my bedroom and pondered one day
Why no one I knew would seem to stay the same

Was angry and broken, and felt so put down
And before I knew it was face to the ground.

Things looked so different laying down there
When I looked up at you, the world seemed to glare.

I beat the ground like you beat me sometimes
Now I'm just searching for something here that rhymes

I don't understand why you do this to me
Come to me fighting like a returning dream

I lay here sometimes thinking of how we fought
And so here I lay again writing my thoughts

And as I lay here, something came to my mind.
Something that made me wonder if I was blind.

All the things about you I seemed to hate so
Were things I made of you-shaping my own foe.

The way you talked to me was my own mad voice
Now with heavy heart, I had to make a choice.

So there I lay with my hot tears rolling down
But as I always did, not making a sound

I realized too late that what forced you away
Was my strong willpower asking you to stay

So though in my heart you took one of two spots,
You were a painting I had covered with blots

As much as I desperately wanted to stay,
With tears on my face, I would push you away

Your perfect portrait was something I had maimed
And now thanks to me you will not be the same.

But for your own good, I swear to let you go
Maybe one day your portrait will be as snow

Don't understand how you forgive me this way
All I can tell you is to keep me at bay.

I'm sorry, I love you.

This is my apology.

For every time they said you were worthless
And my silence made it seem like I agreed.
For every time I was heartless
When you were a friend in need.

For all the moments you were breathless
From running away from your fears,
And I stood beside you pretending
That I couldn't see your tears.

This is my apology;
For never showing that I cared

Deactivate.
Go ahead,
Delete Your Life.

Deactivate.
You,deserve
demise.

You'll see the light,
when you close your eyes.

Do it, Do it
don't think twice.

The tears
will no more
be.
Don't you want
that
prize?

evil streams
frame
your face:

end it now.
make the choice.


© J-d S. J