I never asked for tenderness,
just proximity—
to be near you,
even if it meant unraveling quietly
at your feet.

You never hid what I was to you—
a pause,
a body to speak through,
a name you forgot
while I memorized your every silence.

You were never kind,
but you were there.
And I learned
that cruelty is warmer
than being alone.

So I let you diminish me.
Piece by piece.
Until the mirror held someone
who only knew how to love
by disappearing.

It should frighten me,
how much I gave away
just to stay in your orbit—
but it doesn’t.

What terrifies me
is who I’d be without you.
Whole?
Happy?
Unrecognizable.

I’d rather loathe the girl
you’ve made me into
than try to love the one
who walks away.

Because hate, at least,
keeps you close.
And I’ve come to prefer
bleeding beside you
over healing alone.

So take what’s left.
Break it,
discard it,
return only when you’re empty.
I’ll still be here—
the ruin you shaped,
the fool who stayed.

I have been a fool
Bewitched
For a man who viewed himself to be above It
I succumbed to love and it's fallacies
I gave in to the cruelest deception of them all
the wounds I bore for you.
All was in vanity
Just to satiate my empty hopes
Staring into an empty sky, imaging the presence of stars.
But to no avail.
I claimed that I'd let my heart sink down to the mud.
But it was your very same fingers that willingly chose to push it down.
Attempting to suffocate it
And while I yearned for your touch.
Your fingers lack the warmth you shared with me
For it has been tainted.
Given to others
Not out of love.
But rather.
As a tool to provide temporary peace
To fill in the cavity you had.
The one I had.
The one I hoped you'd suffer from
A suffering that would be tethered to the love we had.
I still have.
But you're playing a cruel game with my heart.
Forcing it to affirm your fears.
That I hate you.
And I do.
I do hate.
Hate your actions
What you've become
But.
Not you.
Not, who you were.
And while you now have become by bane
One with no light to trail me along
One no longer worth suffering for.
I will choose to continue and lay in my agony.
Because in the concoction of what you are.
Remains the memories.
Remains the women I fell for.
The women who diminished my fear of pain.
And while it is all but a ghost haunting my current existence.
The sight alone is worth it.
Because that foolish hope.
Will satiate.
Satiate that yearning.
The yearning burrowed deep within me.
That you are still who I love.
That this, is but an act of self preservation
That deep down.
Burrowed within you.
Your cavity has molded itself
Secretly hoping for my return.

I am no fool,
Not a person to by played with,
You cannot trick me,
Expecting to get away with it.

But if you dare to do,
I will dare to challenge you,
I prefer a battle of wits,
To see which of us wins the day.

My dear one,

May you walk new paths optimistically when you are the Fool.
May you create your universe when you draw the Magician.
May you trust your intuition when you draw the High Priestess.
May you be grounded in family when you draw the Empress.
May you lead with authority when you draw the Emperor.
May you listen and learn when you draw the Hierophant.
May you open your heart to love when you draw the Lovers.
May you speed towards success when you draw the Chariot.
May you see the power you contain when you draw Strength.
May you sit back and reflect when you draw the Hermit.
May you recognize your karmic cycles when you draw the Wheel.
May you balance truth with wisdom when you draw Justice.
May you surrender yourself when you draw the Hanged Man.
May you transition smoothly when you draw Death and Rebirth.
May you balance your energies when you draw Temperance.
May you face your inner demons when you draw the Devil.
May you see the truth clearly when you draw the Tower.
May you wish for a better tomorrow when you draw the Star.
May you see into the depths of yourself when you draw the Moon.
May you ignite with joy and inspiration when you draw the Sun.
May you truly know your motivations when you draw Judgement.
May you be spiritually reborn when you reach the World.

Oh, to be the Fool. Awakening with naivety and positivity.
Oh, to see the Magician. Creating the world he wants to see.
Oh, to meet the High Priestess. Mastering her inner intuition.
Oh, to serve the Empress. Mothering all, including ourselves.
Oh, to serve the Emporer. Leading with our head and heart.
Oh, to study the Hierophant. Learning to change paradigms.
Oh, to kiss the Lovers. Choosing unity and new connections.
Oh, to ride the Chariot. Racing towards success and victory.
Oh, to have Strength. Letting compassion lead our way.
Oh, to rest with the Hermit. Reflecting in peaceful solitude.
Oh, to turn with the Wheel. Cycling up through lessons.
Oh, to face Justice. Balancing truth, wisdom, and karma.
Oh, to speak with the Hanged Man. Surrendering to fate.
Oh, to know Death and Rebirth. Transitioning into change.
Oh, to walk in Temperance. Balancing and blending energy.
Oh, to meet the Devil. Facing our inner demons and shadows.
Oh, to topple the Tower. Felling and rebuilding a sense of self.
Oh, to wish upon the Star. Asking and hoping for our healing.
Oh, to see the Moon. Sinking into murky shadows and dreams.
Oh, to feel the Sun. Radiating exuberance to those around us.
Oh, to face Judgement. Knowing our motives and inner truth.
Oh, to reach the World. Changed into better versions of ourselves.

lace and distaste
affection and addiction
obsession and possession
the pain without gain
the rotting of the brain

the parents pride and prune and preen
you've finally turned 15

lack of sleep
little to eat
just take more medication
if that doesnt help, review it on yelp
and theyll say you just lacked dedication.

the adults find you fit to be seen
"you're not actually 15?"

the brain shutting down
systems start to drown
you're  not  in  the  best scene

welcome one
welcome all

another fool turning fifteen.

-Ajs