he has his father's eyes.

that's the first thing
that I notice when
I hold my son
for the first time.

those huge, hazel eyes
are staring back at me
from his perfect face.

he is so small
and so young
and so innocent

but already,
he reminds me
of his father.

already, I am scared
that my son will
grow up to be
just like his father,

or maybe even worse.
maybe my son will
grow up to be
just like me.

I find myself reaching
For branches and vines
That make up family ties
Only to discover
That they break
And they tangle
Offering no support
In the cold brew
Of night
But when the sun shines
They are sturdy and forgiving


That's not the kind of family
I want to hold onto.

When I was young I fell silent when my parents said they loved me
Because with my upbringing, that couldn’t be  

Brushed away when alcohol and a rush of nicotine meant more
If they couldn’t care for me, what did they have me for?

Promises to meet for lunch, have weekend visits, and for the drinking to stop
Each one broken, another disappointment to top

“You’re my world, my reason for living”
“I’m trying my best”
I can only be so forgiving
And only when all you’ve done has been suppressed

As I grew, I struggled to cope
Would things get better, can I hold on to hope?  

I fear for the day that I get the call that my dad is dead
He doesn’t sleep, still drinks, and thinks he’s invincible
The constant worry of losing him living in my head
No matter the past, doesn’t he know he’s irreplaceable?

My mom is sick, worsening every day
I’ve seen her change before my eyes
Caring for my dying mom, a role I never wanted to play
How will I forget all that happened when she dies?

All my life I’ve craved what can’t be redeemed  
A healthy relationship to cherish forever
It pains my heart to see others get what I’ve always dreamed
Maybe one day it won’t hurt (or never)

“You’re so mature!”
“You have to be older than what you say!”

No, that’s just the trauma, the things I can’t forget
The things I haven’t healed from yet

For the rest of my days I will pay the price
Climbing a mountain that never ends
But what is life without a little spice?
A recipe for disaster that transcends

A fall is only as bad as you make it
A doorstep is not as deadly as a canyon
But I would like for you to tell that
To the shattered vase

The jagged edges of the broken glass
Shimer and shine like blood on protruding bones

While cleaning it up I feel a sudden pain
I inspect the injury
A small cut has appeared on my hand
Red liquid pools in the palm of my hand
A chuckle emerges from my chest
"In my clumsiness and neglect I have not only hurt another, but also myself.
"I will let you have your revenge because I do not blame you for being spiteful."

I pick up the pieces and inspect the translucent stones
"I could buy glue, pick up every piece, spend hours recreating this masterpiece."
"No, I am no craftsman. I am no glasssmith."
"This vase is broken."
The smell of sweat and iron reminds me of the damage that I brought on myself

My body has already started the process of repair
The blood has hardened to cover the wound
I try not to think about it
"It will sort itself out." I think to myself

I head out a second time to transport the vase
Pain in my hand refuses to subside

I ignore it

Within a few steps the glass once again falls
My hand throbs with sharp uncontrollable pain

The palm of my hand rotten and greened
Much worse than it had seemed
I look for a glove to cover the mess
But the problem won't end untill it's addressed
As I look for the glove the rot continues to grow
But if I only find the glove no one will know
Before i know it i am consumed
In much less time then I presumed

My eyes open to a blinding white room
Surrounded by faces of people  I know
Disappointed but worried
I had not done what was right
I had not asked for help
I had not even taken care of the injury
These people all care about me
I had let them all down
I will need to try again to move the vase
But this time I know
I will need help without my right hand

Long before I was her father
she flew
perhaps with fairy wings
or maybe a cherub's -

I can't be sure,
but I know she flew

cos she kept her perspective
and taught me to drink my fill
from each moment
and not move on til
I'd tasted the dregs.

Long after those early lessons
I still need to practice
this most basic of skills.

14-10
10-4
4-2
2

Good friends
Always
Reach out
Inspire
Send love
Empathize and
Support each other
like a FAMILY.

some say this building had issues with the temperature anyway
but most would agree
this heat was not brought on by the typical Houston air
he walks in to the beat of the trickling chips around him
heads turn for the new, the old already know how it goes down

some get up before he sits
only to make sure their pocket linings stay
the sweat on their forehead tells it all
who has the nerve to face the boy?

an hour in of back and forth
shuffles
murmurs
eyes only on him as he moves
their mouths ajar, he bets all in without a flinch
the atmosphere is flipped within a card
an uproar of "shocked but not surprised" flows through the room

as he leaves with money in one hand, and all the cheers in the other
the room falls silent faster than the door can close
just with one phrase that slips through the crack
"the boy is in rare form tonight"

The voice in my head
Called my phone
I picked up because the number said "Mom"

The voice in my head
Asked me what I was thinking
Un-friending a man who made me uncomfortable

The voice in my head
Wouldn't let up
When I said I didn't want to talk about it

The voice in my head
Got upset
When I hung up on it

She threw away my gift to her, and left me with hers.
She says I don't treat her like I do my father.
My father was the one who fished my gift to her out of the trash.
He tries to save us, quiet us.
Me and the voice in my head.

Wherever I go, I always want to go back
I want to see my street
I want to see the linden
Oh, unforgettable place
I'll always search for it

It's not a thing, it's a feeling'
Endless love, springing happines
When I sleep at home, there's no reason to wake up
Trough my window I'll always see my mother's love
My family, my support
Forever my whole world

How I dared to go far away
To leave my lovely place
How can I be happy
with all the strangers on my way
One day I will cry for them
I will remember their smiles
But I will be in tears