my heart is no longer gold
i've grown cold
its not in my control
and it isn't something i can remold

Slow and steady, It's time,
I'm ready

In the life thats fallen to pieces
I'll find my peace

Day after day
my days just replay
I feel led astray
Even though the routine never sways
This isn't how things will stay

I'm not happy now, I'm not sad
Neither happy, mad, nor glad
But I guess this ending is pretty bad

im all alone, and i wish you would miss me
come back, hold me, kiss me
bring me bliss
dont leave me in this abyss
but this is just one old wish youll never dismiss

where are you?

not gone,
you promised.

not answering.

where are you?

i need you.

where are you?

im sorry,
i was gone.

where are you?

please respond
i am scared
i am terrified
i need you

where are you?
not gone.

Me and you can never be what was
All has been lost and forgotten.
I moved on since and found a new cause.
While your insides burn and heart- rotted.

I thought you could love
I’d Be everything you’d need.
Me and you were never enough
All you held was greed.

I gave you my body and all my soul.
Like a thief in the night you came and stole.

You see me and you are like 4 walls of mirror.
Staring through your blurred reflection,
I’ve never seen clearer.

Letting you spank me, share me, use me as you please.
But me and you was nothing but the wind blowing leaves.

Being with you is all I thought I’d need,
Until me and you just became “me”.

isn't pretty
isn't happy
and
isn't fun

my december is
losing hair and
coughing until
i'm about to pass
out

my december is
loss of appetite
and aching joints

my december is
heightened anxiety
and sensitivity to
those around me
and their
emotions

my december is
sickness
in more ways
than one

but it is my december
and mine alone

I fantasise of death everyday,
I pray to sleep and pass away eloquently.
I wish not to wake nor to cry,
I wish only for peace and the right to die.

I get tired of days as quick as they end,
I left my life along with some old friends.
I get a sinking feeling where my heart once lay,
I believe it's my soul telling me "It's okay".

"It's okay to hate life,
It's okay to want to die,
You just miss feeling the feeling of feeling alright".
"It's okay, but stay strong,
It's okay to move on,
But if you don't at least try then...".

ill throw away my blades this time

they let their sticky humid hands
hold my glitching hologram body
against the scratchy playhouse
walls and drag their clammy
claws where no child should
think to rub all the while
whispering into my vacant ears
how they would beat me and
bite me and cut me and kick me
if anyone were to ever find out
our little game as tapeworm
tears sludged from my sickly
sweet rotting eyesockets and
down my shiny shaking dust
stained cheeks silently over my
cold and closing throat and
when my dad finally ripped the
splintering wooden door across
the sandy shifting floor i was so
pale pink blue i could have been
six hours dead save for my
fracturing porcelain and
plexiglass heart destructive and
bashing and shattering itself
through my frail and brittle
crumbling ribcage whispering to
me how badly my dad would
scream at me for the way we
were playing

my mom doesn't want me. she'd rather no daughter at all than one who is "sick". she says i make her life harder and that she is embarrassed by me. she says she is jealous of "normal kids". i dont blame her, i am too. i hate being "sick". but she didn't phrase it as if she wished i didn't suffer, oh no, she phrased it as if she wished she didnt have me.