“don’t make yourself
small for anyone,”
You say to me.
i say nothing but i
think to myself,
“i used to be larger than life,
i used to be big as the house,
the stars,
i used to reach for the sky
but then
You told me to be quiet.”
“don’t let them push you around,”
You say—
but You told me not to fight.
don’t question, don’t argue
don’t cry, til i choke
on the tears that i swallow
down, down, down.
You tell me to be strong
but where do You think
i learned how to make myself weak?
i went and i made myself weak
for You.

is that not how i’m supposed to be?

Raised in shadows where affection is a ghost,
Made me seek love in every person, no matter the cost.

He whispers sweetly, "I like you. I want to keep you near.”
I always believe they actually care.
 
Give everything; let my love overflow.
Refuse to give less; let my devotion show.

Fill up all their void, every empty space.
Desperate for something I could call "my place."
 
With my lips closed, I'll nod in quiet.
Only open it wide when you want; I’ll be polite.

all alone, I'll wait in your bedroom,
Though tonight I know you won't come home.
 
They break my heart, a same old play,
And they always leave, like hurting me is okay.

But I crawl back; my knees are bruised and sore.
Repeat the cycle until I’m nothing more.
 
I've learned to align my fragmented heart,
Master a couple personas to play my part.

I will wear a mask to your pleasure.
Fool myself; I am someone you treasure.

Time and time again
The ground is frozen
To my bare feet
Frostbite nips at my skin
Leaving purple marks
Where it once was pink
Time and time again
I have wandered
Into vast forests
To find solace in creatures unknown to man
Time and time again
They have supplied me with more support
Me more than anyone else in my life
Time and time again
I am let down
My own foolish childhood hopes
That life will be perfect
I will be loved
And everything will be easy
But I never saw any of these challenges coming
I never saw you step all over me
Time and time again

Thought I knew this well.
every step I had to take,
every lie--delivered smiling--I had to sell,
every mindless task, no breaks.

Thought you knew of my own created, designer hell.
watching me falter towards an imaginary goal,
watching my fibs for tells,
watching my to-do list quadruple.

I thought I knew how to quit,
how to snap out of it.
I thought you knew about it,
and how to deal with this ****.

Turns out that neither of us knows jack-squat.
And that's alright, I swear I got this, yeah I'm good, I can do it.
I hoped for you to say something, I thought you knew I was talkin' *******.
Yet, without a word, you left
me to rot.

"Welcome," I say loud enough for the whole world to hear me
"Wipe your feet on me. I don't mind."
Some have even stomped their feet on me
It hurts and it has left many marks
I don't think I want to be a doormat anymore

elephants stomping on my head
laugh as they draw blood
fragmented ideals scatter in the wind
as trampled dreams mix with dust

cemented in 'supposed to'
hiding behind other people's 'shoulds'
jackhammer disappointment
crushes bones with broken boundaries

play me a song
to make it look pretty
and I'll pretend to dance
with you in foggy yesterday's

karaoke soundtracks
to a stranger's tears
that leave the heart blind
tripping acid just to see in forgotten colors

breathing bacteria
from the soles of shoes
wiped on my forehead
as they said, 'hello'

a mosaic of skull puzzles
grouted in the remnants of the ****
left behind as everyone
just walks away

shadows smell clean in dark corners
where colors are left to die
in clouds of expectation
leaving truth buried in the ruble

...of who they thought I was