My soul seeps onto clothing
The blood is muddy, murky, gross
So much passion
That you could say it even seeps through my skin
My wrists
My heart
My mind
The words i say to myself are sharp
A blade and cut to the touch
I hope that one day i will see
That i am just enough
The atmosphere around me’s cloudy
The wind is brisk and sharp
And i am all alone
And screaming in the dark

I don't believe in the never ending consequences
I don't believe in the depth
I don't believe in the endless sinking
Of all that is ruined and wrecked
The seams have come undone
And i break and tear to ends
I don't feel whole
For i am a scattered mess

A mess with no starting point and no ending point to foresee
You can’t overlook the thought of me for i am all but unseen
I am alive in a fragile state
A moth caught by its wing
I hope to be okay with me
And all i have to bring
But the bag of tricks that are up my sleeves
are emptying by dusk
But i want to show everyone
That i am just enough
The sappy story of what i entail
Is one i hate to bring
But i have nothing more to offer
Than what i can already sing
I hope to prove to someone
To anyone at that
To even just myself
That i am all i have

I once was able to run
nine miles a day,
now all those miles
seem so far away.

I am like a tree,
I am rooted where I stand
I am twisted up in unforgiving knots.

I know you think you understand,
but the truth is you don't
because you can move
and use your hands.

I am stuck twisted and contorted
in ways you could never understand.

My back is bent and rusted,
my knees creak and pop,
like an old car,
but I ran out of oil for my joints
now there stuck in odd positions.
You can only imagine.

I hurt, my pain burns to the bone,
grinding ******* my every move.

I can't move like you,
I twitch and ****,
I shake and stutter,
my mind is full of painful clutter.

Dystonia since 1981,
I was born with a twitch, ****,
and a stuttering switch with every move I make.
My nickname is Mizztwitch.*

*© 2017 By Amanda Shelton

perhaps,
the most abuse i have experienced
was not when my ex boyfriend
controlled, threatened, or lied to me
but perhaps
it's the relationship
between two people
i call mind and body

you see,
mind and body are in a relationship
but mind is insecure and jealous
but body loves mind so much
they put up with it,
mind has forced body
to pick at wounds
and run blades
over their fair skin,
mind has told body
not to eat so much
so body began overeating,
but then mind forced them
to shove a toothbrush
at the back of their throat
to bring it back up,
mind has made body
overdose on laxatives
to the point
of almost no return,
but it's not too late
for body to heal

in fact,
it is finally time
for mind to realize the pain
they have caused body,
it is time for mind
to apologize
and change their ways,
and it is time
for mind to accept
body as they are
because all body ever wanted
was the acceptance
and the love of mind

and perhaps,
mind has finally come to peace
within themself
to help reverse the damage
they have caused to body
because all along
body cared so deeply
about mind
that they never gave in
to the signals that maybe
it was time to end things
for the both of them

but you don't have to worry
about that happening,
mind and body are working
on their relationship now
so that time
will never come
for either of them

The beginning is so unassuming
It's a faint desire to better oneself by
succumbing to "healthier" options both
mentally and physically
Or at least that's what we tell
ourselves

Once the introductions are over and
the pleasantries of obtainable goals
made, you become totally enamored by
the sense of accomplishment
That nagging whisper of assurance,
gratitude, and love keeps you
constantly striving for something
more
With that, the trap has been set

One goal turns to three, and three
turns quickly to ten
Now you are in the grips of an enticing,
vengeful, and all-consuming force that
is never satisfied
The whispers soon become screams
that berate your inadequacies and
open the floodgates for negativity
"Never Good Enough" becomes the
battle-cry of this addiction towards
self-deprecation

Intentions to stop are always there
However, chasing the ever elusive "last
goal" becomes your entire existence
You alienate yourself from any and all
who stand in the way of disordered
progress
Blinded by a strong conviction and
supposed self-improvement, you
cannot see the destruction ED craves
It devours every possible ounce of time
and energy a body has until there is
nothing left to give

Still not content, and louder than ever,
ED seeks complete annihilation and
your ultimate demise
Only through intervention,
enlightenment, and a shroud of hope
can the bond be broken with the beast
within
This clarity makes it possible to live
and fight another day

I Believe...Do You?

I walk round
And round
And round
Hoping to hit my ten
Thousand steps.
How many calories does that
burn?

I end up eating
And eating
And eating
All 3 meals they serve
Me. Do I deserve
This?
How many calories do they
Have?

I lay and think
And think
And think
Why am I still
Alive?
Why did I not ****
Myself
Right
This
Time?

Have you seen my heart?
I might have lost it
Have you heard my heart?
I might have misplaced it
Have you felt my heart?
I might have left it behind
Have you tasted my heart?
I think you might have eaten it